For any that have read my story I seem to be stuck in a perpetual state of fighting in my mind. Every time I seem to take a step forward I end up right back where I started. The good news is I seem to be going through it faster and am finding denial harder and harder. The more I process this all the more I remember from my past. In reading Joe Kort's book it brought to light more of the similarities between the struggle of coming out and the struggle associated with abuse I suffered as a child. Truthfully in the years I've struggled with my sexuality I never questioned it as being some sort of affect from the abuse until recently when I had begun to read more into the affects of abuse. After the initial thought of 'that must be it' wore off I was left recalling incidents of attraction that occurred before any abuse and the sense of being different from those around me. Yes there has been attraction to women but that's been slight and for as long as I can remember my sexual fantasies were 99% about men and honestly the vast majority of the times I fantasized about a woman a man was usually involved. I say this all rather comfortably now but know that I will wake up tomorrow or the day after and will again question things and I'm wondering if that will ever stop. A huge part of me wants to come out but then there's this fear that the questioning will just continue from the other side of the fence and there will be no taking it back.
I know how you feel. Although I am much younger, I do understand. The constant questioning makes you worry about coming out, and then being like "just kidding!" This has always been very helpful for me: close your eyes, relax, and think of your future. Just think about if you could picture yourself being gay, or being with a man. I hope this helps! good luck
Hi I thought Kort wrote abuse can lead to acting out but not orientation issues. Did I get that wrong?
No you didn't. But there's similar feelings to the process of both coming out of the closet and coming to terms as a victim of abuse. As well as the acting out can lead to and further confusion.
What 1901 is saying is what clinched it for me. I remember the exact moment when I finally allowed myself to think of a future relationship with a man. It felt like a kick in the gut, and I never looked back. Perhaps what you need is to imagine this more vividly, invoke all your senses and try to imagine what a man, who could be your lover, feels, smells, looks and sounds like. Just a little effort there, and see how you feel...
Smell can be wild. Only happened once to me. This guy smelled so good I even asked him what he was wearing. Came to learn he just always smelled great (to me). Anyway... Give yourself permission to allow yourself some emotional tangents. It's not about what society wants but what you want.
Being about your age, I can tell you that's how I felt too (though I wasn't the victim of abuse, sorry to hear that). In the end, I came out to certain people because it was the right thing to do. The right thing for me, and the right thing for my relationship with them (I think). And once I did, once people actually know about my orientation, the feelings of doubt fade. I know who I am, and I'm generally happy with that. There are some aspects that have become harder and more confusing since coming out, but that goes with the territory.
Thanks for all the feedback. I think a part of the problem for me maybe that I've never explored the attractions in a particulary healthy manner. A drunken hook up, a random hook up but nothing healthy. As nervous as I've been I'm working on pushing the boundaries with this and have met a guy-been talking for awhile online and developed a friendship with a newly out gay guy. In the past I've done this and than chickened out...I think I need to push myself to develop a real life friendship here and see where it goes...
