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I don't know what to do...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by joecol13, Apr 14, 2013.

  1. joecol13

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    I am 30 and have been married to my wife for 9 years. We get along really well, and I love her. I would call her my best friend. BUT, I am feeling very certain I am gay. I think deep down I have always known. I have had my ups and downs with this struggle over the years, those urges to be with another man.

    I have only ever been with 2 women sexually. I lost my virginity in my teens to my first girlfriend. We dated for several years and had sex often, but I never truly enjoyed it and she always initiated. We broke up shortly before I met my wife. I was about 20 then. The first night my wife and I met we immediately hit it off. We met through mutual friends on a group date, and we ended up back at my place after the date was over just talking for hours. We discussed sex early on in the relationship and I told her that I didn't enjoy it very much. She was okay with that and we continued to see each other and eventually did have sex about a month in. It was fine, but still not as enjoyable as I felt it should be. Anyway we moved forward and were married a year later.

    I felt certain that I was going to spend my life with her and that we would have kids and live a normal life. But those feelings kept popping up here and there. I would just check out some gay porn, do my thing and be fine. We had a regular sex life for several years, but I never felt satisfied. The sex began slowing down. An my urges became more and more frequent.

    Over the past 2 years our sex life has been very sporadic, mostly after a night of drinks. Yeah, that's right I can only sleep with my wife when I am drunk. What is wrong with me? This is the question that kept popping in my mind. She wants sex, I don't.

    In the last few months I have been coming to the realization that I am gay. I have always denied it. Kept it locked up in the back of my mind. But it is getting stronger. I find myself staring at guys. I realize that I have no desire to be with a woman sexually. I am gay. There I said it...I AM GAY!

    So I am a gay man...with a wife. I do care for my wife. I love her. I just have do desire to be with her sexually, and that frustrates us both. This is such a battle for me. Do I suppress my feelings and suck it up and have sex with her? Do I tell her I am gay? I feel like I should tell her, but she has no idea. She has wanted to start a family for a while now and I keep finding reasons to put it off. I can't bring a child into a relationship that I am not even sure I want to be in.

    I know that I am being unfair to both of us, but the thought of crushing her...I can just imagine the look on her face. I can't bring myself to do it. I can feel myself getting more and more distant, and I think she is feeling it more too. How do you tell someone that you care deeply for that you want to turn their world upside down. How can I tell her that I don't want to have a family with her. It breaks my heart to even think about it, but it is also slowly breaking my spirit not to tell her. I am so confused and torn.

    Where do I go from here?
     
  2. skiff

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    Hi,

    Welcome.

    Nothing unique about what you write. Many people have found themselves exactly where you are now.

    My of 21 years is my best friend too. Sex only worked for 13 years. When I faked a climax I stopped entirely. I finally hit the end of the road.

    From that point til now I still love her. She is still my best friend but I know for me to be truly happy, which is exponentially bigger than anything I experienced with my wife, I have to leave her.

    I cannot say what you need to do, but these feelings are not going away and only through working with them will you find your answers.

    For me I knew what I needed to do and in the end only saw a therapist to confirm my thought process and ask for help in mitigating my wife's pain when I told her.

    Sadly, there is little you can do to alter another's feelings and reactions. You don't own their feelings or how they react. Not telling them is not a choice either.

    Keep posting here, see a therapist if you need help, keep working with this. Denying it will only make things worse.
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place.

    Reading that last paragraph says it all to me. Read it again yourself. It's clear that your relationship is already deteriorating - and has been for some time. Nothing is likely to stop that deterioration, so expect it to keep getting worse. So you're going to end up breaking her heart either way. Drifting apart while wasting another 5 years isn't going to be less painful than being honest and up front with her right now.

    Much like removing a band aid. Yank it off and get it over with, or peel it off over a long time, spreading out the discomfort over a longer time. The total pain is probably about the same - if not worse the long drawn out way.

    You're not going to get any better at hiding these feelings. In fact, the more you talk about them the more they become your reality. I'm afraid you've started down a path that you're going to have to keep walking on. There's no other choice.

    I fully agree with the suggestion to get a therapist. They'll help you and help you help your wife. She'll need lots of support and understanding as well.

    I did have kids with my wife, and it did feel at the time like I was 'ruining' everyone's life by coming out. But we all made it through to the other side. My ex wife and I are both remarried - although I'd say my husband is WAY better than her husband. :icon_bigg Our kids have adapted as well. Life carries on. It has to.

    Good luck. Keep us posted.
     
  4. joecol13

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    Thanks for the kind replies. In the past couple of weeks I have really been stuck in my head. The thoughts and feelings are consuming me. I don't have anyone in my circle that I am comfortable discussing this with and I just had to find somewhere to get it out. I appreciate the support and advice. I am already trying to form the words in my head to say to her. I want it to be as gentle as possible. I still just don't know when I'll be able to do it. I have really just come to terms with this myself in these past couple of weeks. I feel like deep down she will understand, and maybe I am naive to think she doesn't suspect it, I've never been the manliest man. Maybe we are both denying it. I just want her to understand that it is not her, not her fault.
     
  5. lull23

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    I wish I could say something that would help, but I can't. All I can say is there are guys here that have gone though, and are going through right now, the same thing as you.

    I'm only a newbie here myself, but there are some great guys here that are incredibly insightful! I think you already done one important thing by acknowledging to yourself that you're gay - and another by finding this place.

    Good luck!
     
  6. skiff

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    Hey,

    What is this "manliest man" stuff? :slight_smile:

    You are the man you need to be. You made a mistake about sexuality, but who's fault is it? Can you think of a single gay role model you relate to now or in the past? Does society nurture the gay individual?

    You are gay (bi) (questioning) with no role models your whole life, you were on your own trying to find your way, gay in a straight world without a compass. Of course you will make mistakes, of course there will be times you feel lost. You truly are.

    This isn't all your fault. You were lost and took the path of least resistance in a homophobic culture.

    Manliest man, you are a human being and you are GREAT!

    You are on the path now to find yourself.

    Wish I was 30 and coming out rather than 55. :slight_smile:
     
  7. greatwhale

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    I would add that it is good that no kids are involved, that complicates things considerably!
     
  8. Stoical

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    I just want to second this. Welcome!
     
  9. Italy or Bust

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    Welcome, and please read the several similar stories that should resonate with you. You are not alone. And the gay will not go away. You are still both young enough to find what you both really deserve. If we hated these spouses, it would be a lot easier, but we don't. I love my wife, too. I love her enough to know that a husband who pretends he enjoys sex wih her isn't all she deserves. She may turn out to be a true friend and thank you later.
     
  10. PeteNJ

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    So many of us here in situations like yours. Some younger, some much older, too.

    Do you want to be happy? Truly happy in life? Accepting who you are and building your life around that is what you need to work on. Nothing is more important to your health and well being.

    For me, I found support through LGBT centers (coming out groups, support groups) and with a great therapist. And here of course! ;-)

    Keep posting. And I strongly urge IRL support, too (Coming Out group, therapy, etc.)

    In 6 months my life has changed so dramatically. Yes, some truly painful times. And the best times, too. Knowing, *speaking,* and *living,* the truth about who I am is simply great. I'm not where I want to be... I'm on my way.

    And you may not feel like it right now, but you posting here and saying you're gay -- you are on the journey with the rest of us, too.
     
  11. Jeff

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    The unknown is the hard part. You don't know the reactions of anyone, or even if your wife suspects you might be gay.

    You can tell her that you do not want to start a family... and then turn her life upside down, but would rather let her start a family (with someone else) while she is young enough, and then not have her world turned upside down. In other words you are doing her a favor by not lying to her about this new conclusion you have reached about yourself, but by facing it head on, you are protecting her from more (and worse) hurt later on. She may thank you later on.

    You could decide to split up and not tell her until you have moved out and the divorce is final.

    You are free to take baby steps about the entire issue. There is no need to come out, call for a split, and then move out. Everyone takes this at their own pace.

    This forum is making it easier to connect with others in your exact same situation (too bad we didn't have this 10 or 15 years ago for us older men and women). And gay people are gaining respect like never seen before in the media. So your timing might be just where it should be.

    I think it may have been hard for you to even come here and state "I am Gay". So cheers to your new found confidence, and major step in acceptance.:smilewave
     
  12. Ohana

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    I came out to my husband a few months ago. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I've got to say I think we build things up to be so scary...the anticipation is so much more overwhelming than the actual event itself. That's not to make light of it or say that it's easy. It is extremely difficult. It's painful. It's stressful. It's terribly sad. But, I made it through, er I'm making it through. And so will you. One day at a time, my friend!
     
  13. joecol13

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    You are all so kind. I really appreciate it. Getting all of this out has been helpful and all of the support and advice is amazing. My head is so jumbled right now. I just wish I could find some clarity. I don't know why this is all happening now. It's just in the past week and a half it has all hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean it's been floating around in my head for awhile, but I have always been able to shut it down. Now it is just all consuming. The fear is overwhelming. The fear of the unknown. I've never been intimate with a man. What if it is only sexual? What if I don't want to emotionally connect and have a relationship with a man? I have fantasized about sex with a man, but not a full on relationship. I am so confused. I know I am not giving my wife what she needs. I feel selfish and guilty. I feel that way because I can't give her what she needs, but also because I feel like telling her is putting my needs above hers for something I am unsure about. I have always put her ahead of myself, taken care of her. I fake my way through the sex, I make sure she is satisfied even when I am not. How can I suddenly be so selfish? Why now? I am terrified. I feel now like I am trapped inside my head. We are a month away from our 9 year anniversary...what a gift for me to give her, huh? She really is my best friend. And now when I need my best friend the most, when I need to confide in her, I can't. That leaves me feeling alone. Which is why I am glad I found this place. Therapy is not an option for me right now due to financial restraints. Maybe I could find somewhere free to go, I need to figure that out. I feel less alone here. Thanks for letting me vent, and again thanks for the kindness and support. I know I don't know any of you personally, but I feel so welcomed and understood by you all. I know I will figure it out with time.
     
  14. greatwhale

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    It has happened to me and a few others here, this sudden epiphany. This realization that I am gay hit me like a kick in the gut.

    What you said about your uncertainty regarding a relationship with a man is familiar territory to many of us. I, and a few others here have been somehow able to separate the two in real life through hookups, but once I came out to myself, I can't do that anymore.

    The guys you may find yourself with are people, they have feelings. I think that may be something you're missing, a relationship is a two-way street, it isn't only about how you may feel, something happened when I accepted what I am, suddenly it wasn't only about the sex, suddenly it was indeed about relationships, about loving someone else fully and without reserve (you said it yourself, you have faked sex with your wife, you have held back what she should expect fully).

    You aren't taking care of her needs if you yourself are faking it, this is what you need to understand, she will sense it, sooner or later. She needs to know that you are enjoying it with her as well, and, obviously you aren't. This cannot continue (I can tell you from personal experience).

    It is hard to end things that must end, she is your best friend but in this case you can't confide in her, hence, you need to find other sources of support, as others have recommended to you here. You will find the journey easier and we are here to help!
     
  15. Al123

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    You sound a lot like I was feeling a few months ago. I came out to my wife in January and it was very hard, but the feeling of relief about being honest with myself and her was worth it. She was very hurt, but understands it is not a choice and feels closer to me than she has in years because she now knows why I was faking things and why our sex life had effectively "died".

    I am 52, and we still have to tell our teenage sons and arrange for an amicable end to our 21 year marriage. This is very hard and sad, but we hope to remain friends though this.

    The confusion comes with not wanting to hurt others--you actually don't sound confused about who you are, just how to deal with the pain. I have always put others ahead of myself, so I understand your feelings and also how we got here in a homophobic society.
     
  16. LoveMusicPoetry

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    I was in the exact same situation. I couldn't take it anymore and had to tell my husband that I am a lesbian. I won't lie to you, it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. It turned out that he had pretty much guessed as much. We are still friends and are working on separating amicably. We have a 5 year old son and he is our main priority.

    As for you, I know exactly how you feel, our stories are pretty much the same only I have a child and you don't. 'd say to you that you need to find the strength to be honest with your wife. If she knows you then she might already know. It's not fair on either of you to remain in a relationship that is doomed to fail. You need to start living as yourself and she deserves a man who can give her the family she desires. She might not see it like that for a while, but ultimately there's only one way things are going to go if you stay together.

    I really wish you luck. Don't forget, we're all here for you and you are most definitely not alone.

    Vicki x
     
  17. Italy or Bust

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    I can definitely relate to the "sexualization" of men and not considering them as relationship-worthy, or worrying that I wouldn't see them that way, and would be "throwing away love" for sex. But something Ianthe pointed out in my story thread, below, really made me start thinking about it, and that was the final straw in allowing myself to identify as gay and dump the bisexual label.
     
  18. joecol13

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    So Friday night on the way home after dinner with another couple my wife asked me what was wrong with me. Now I had planned to have a conversation with her Saturday night, but I couldn't delay any longer. I told her that we needed to talk when we got home. The conversation didn't quite go the way I planned. I had a hard time actually getting to the point. I explained that I didn't feel that I was able to give her everything she needed because I lack sexual desire for her. She said what's new? I told her that I really didn't think I could have a family with her because I don't want to bring a child into the relationship when I am unsure who I am. I told her I have never been attracted to the women I have slept with, and never really enjoyed the sex. I told her about the dreams that I have about being with other guys, and that they are intense dreams that leave me both really turned on and confused once I wake up. She asked if they were more frequent now than the last time we discussed them. I was like huh? When did we discuss that before? She informed me of a conversation we had last summer after I had been drinking heavily. (Sidenote...DAMN ALCOHOL...LOL!) I said that I didn't remember telling her. She said that we talked about it and that I didn't seem to make too much of it and she told me she sometimes fantasized about being with a girl and that it is normal and that was about the extent of the discussion. I told her that the dreams were more frequent and more intense lately. I told her that after I wake from them that it is about the only time that I feel sexually aroused. I don't have a very strong sex drive and rarely feel turned on, so this confuses me. She asked what I wanted to do, and I said I wasn't sure and that I was just very confused. I told her that I have never imagined having an actual relationship with a guy, just sex. I did tell her that I don't find women attractive, but I do find the male body attractive. She cried a little and suggested we go to therapy together. We kind of left it there. The next morning as I was leaving for work I heard her sobbing in the bed, it was the most terrible thing I have ever heard. I went up to hug her and assure her that I love her and I have made no decisions yet. It made for a long day Saturday. That night we didn't really discuss anything else, just felt like we were pretending nothing happened. We did talk more today, she told me she was happy with me, even with no sex life (I told her Friday that I had no desire to have sex with her) she was 95% happy with me. I said you should have 100%. She said that she wouldn't give up 95% percent for an unknown 5%. She said she just wanted me to know that she didn't want us to split up. I didn't really respond and she cried again. I told her that I didn't want to give her false hope. We talked openly some more, I still couldn't completely say to her that I am gay. I just can't manage the words. I told her that I was feeling more that way, but was unsure...which isn't entirely false. I am still very confused. So we agreed to go to counseling together because I feel like something is missing in our relationship. I really love her, and find happiness with her...but it feels more like best friends that partners or lovers. I feel like the therapy can help me make my feelings more clear and also help her to understand that she isn't getting all she needs either. I want us both happy. Maybe that means we stay together, maybe it doesn't. She is very understanding of my feelings and confusion, and I know that she ultimately wants me to be happy. I told her that she has done nothing wrong, and that I never intended this to happen, that when I married her I meant it. I just told her that I feel lost and that I need to figure out who I am, even if that means that we are no longer married. I can tell she is hopeful, but at the same time heartbroken. I know that I am still holding back with her but I also think that the therapist can help us sort things out together. So I feel a little better and a little worse. Her support and understanding makes it even harder, but easier at the same time. I feel pretty confident that I need to move on, but I feel like I need to take it slow with her. Plus the thought of separating our lives, both emotionally and financially, is overwhelming. We are in a unique situation because our house is in my father's name and we just pay the mortgage, so that would probably mean that she would have to leave. She also makes more money since I work less while I finish college. So she can afford to support herself, I would be struggling more although I would be OK. I feel like I would let her have anything she wanted, so I may end up with an empty house, LOL! I am trying to keep a sense of humor through this, and she seems to be also. I told her that we need to just keep communicating and that she can ask me my thoughts and feelings anytime. I really just want us to make it through this as friends. I want her in my life, just not as a wife. But at the same time it is terribly hard to see her hurting. We'll see how it goes, I feel more hopeful. I'll keep posting as I can as it is cathartic to get it out, and I appreciate all of the support and advice given to me here. Thanks for listening!
     
  19. wrhla

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    I think the couples therapy is a great idea. It could be very beneficial for both of you.

    But in the future, could you insert a few paragraph breaks? That was a big block of text to wade through.
     
  20. Italy or Bust

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    Joe, I found couples therapy to be very helpful in cutting to the chase and getting the issues nailed down. I would recommend it if you are both willing to see where it goes. It was a safe and open place to discuss our real selves without hiding or avoiding confrontation.