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Should I give him time (Mr. Confused case).

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by shinigami30, Apr 17, 2013.

  1. shinigami30

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    Greetings to everyone and gratitude in advance for your time. It is a common case, but since everyone's experience is unique, I must explain mine to see if you've got any suggestions to me.
    I met this guy (Romulo) in 2003 while we lived in a university rooming house. I approached him first, and became friends. One day in august 2004 we went together, looking for chicks, to a bar and drank a lot. On our way back home, I started touching him with his tacit permission, and once in his room, I gave him a blowjob, and gave him anal finger (instead of anal sex; hehe, sorry for details). When he ejaculated, he was mad at himself, but I consoled him while expressing there was nothing bad w/ it. Later in that month, he invited me out to have drinks w/ a third person. Once drunk, the 3rd guy took us to a motel to sleep, and turned off lights. While in bed, I thought I was close to Romulo, and started touching him, and began having sex; I was passive. Not much later, I felt sth wrong, and turned on lights, to find out I was having sex w/ the 3rd. guy. I felt horrible and very mad at me; they left so I returned home by foot. The day after, Romulo approached me in order to apologize for... don't know exactly, because I stopped him and said didn't want to see him anymore. We didn't talk to each other anymore.
    I lost contact w/ him for 7-8 years, untill one day I found him entering a supermarket. He currently lives close to me. We exchanged phone numbers and started hanging out, at first motivated by me, then he started inviting me out. It carried on till I began feeling attracted to him again, and one day in 2011 I confessed while drunk I was attracted to him. He said he didn't feel the same, 'cause he wasn't gay, and motivated me to date other guys that could reciprocate. I got away from him for some time. He never called.
    I called him again, and invited to hang out again, and he agreed. We started again, but now w/ some distance... as time passed, things started being almost the same.
    We argued for something else, and I got away almost for 5 months. He never called. I called him again, and we're hanging out again.
    My mother recently died, so since I live alone now, I realized he was the only one I could ask for support (being right or not). Very recently, I invited him to a party with friends of mine, and on our way home, he slept with me. When I woke up, I huged him, and he rejected me, what provoked a conversation that ended with him ADMITTING he was confused about me, and asking me to stop or he was going to have to visit a phychologist. I offered to pay. It is still pending.
    More recently, he said he wanted to stay w/ me in Easter week (off days), and I accepted. When I picked him up, I said I was going to buy some alcohol to make some drinks, which he objected saying I turn weird and talk too much when I drink. I replied that I didnt have to drink to tell him what I think... and, in summary, I told him that he couldn't deny enjoying sexual encounter w/ me 7 y/ ago, etc. He admitted enjoying it, but that he was not into that anymore.
    With this precedent, and keeping in mind that he flirts, he stares at me, he likes to spend time w/ me, he talks about his life, desires, etc, as well as talks about women he dates and have sex, and he has been dating a women who's married w/ another guy for 6 years now, SHOULD I GIVE HIM TIME TO ASSUME HIS GAY SIDE AND, EVENTUALLY, BE MY LOVER, OR SHOULD I JUST GET AWAY FROM HIM COMPLETELY? Take into account that (I am not convinced yet) I may be in love w/ him, but not hard... I'm not head over heels.
    Your comments, and recommendations in case you think I should keep waiting, are very welcomed.
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    What should you do? You should either accept that he'll be your friend and nothing more, or you should let him go and stop contacting him. You certainly shouldn't wait for him to admit that he really is into you and wants a relationship with you. He's had seven years to come that conclusion, and hasn't gotten there yet. My guess is that it's not going to happen.

    Lex
     
  3. shinigami30

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    Lexington, thanks for your comment. Take care.
    I guess you mean that even if it's quite evident that he's gay (or bi), he is just NOT into me. Am I right?
     
    #3 shinigami30, Apr 18, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2013
  4. Eliza

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    Whether he's gay or bi or into you or not, you deserve to be with someone who loves you, treats you well, and isn't ashamed to be in a relationship with you. Right now, it doesn't sound like he is any of those things.
     
  5. Chip

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    I don't think it's "quite evident" that he's gay or bi. Sexual orientation is a spectrum, and if we use the Kinsey scale (0 to 6, 0= totally straight, 6 = totally gay), then maybe he's a 1 or a 2.

    Is it possible he's closeted? Yes. Should you wait around / try to get him to come out / otherwise pursue it? Probably not. As Lex correctly points out, if it's been 7 years, it's unlikely he's going to come to any different conclusions any time soon.
     
  6. shinigami30

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    Eliza, even if it looks like otherwise, I acknowledge he doesn't deserve a single thought from me. I normally tell myself to wake up, but then find multiple reasons to call him back. It's silly, but I appreciate your opinion.

    Chip, Kinsey scale is very helpful, and I'm open to the idea that he just went too far that night in a given circumstance, that does not necessarily explain his sexual orientation. But, and I am honest when I say, he flirts w/ me. Once he stood up in his living room and while touching his buttocks, he said: "you like them huh?", among other things. (hehhehe, it makes laugh, now). So, even using this scale, he's not 1 or 2. He may be 4.5 or further.

    My personal conclusion, and I'd like to listen to your opinions, is that he is not attracted to me for whatever reason, and, in addition, in this situation, he's not willing to engage in a gay sexual relationship. Nonetheless, it also suggests that he may do it w/ another guy that he feels more attracted to. In any case, I should just stay away, I guess.

    The problem w/ staying away is I start missing him more. Why? He's almost my only friend (for whatever reason), and he helps me w/ things (cleaning my house, cooking, laundry, repairing, etc). These are not only excuses to keep him close, but real situation.
    ... I know, I created this situation, I can end it. But it needs time.

    ... I guess I'm fucked up.
     
    #6 shinigami30, Apr 18, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2013
  7. MilansMele

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    The personal conclusion you've reached is a fair one. So, you need to start making new friends and get on with your life (and enjoy it along the way!!!!)

    You are NOT f*****d up, so I think you should avoid using that mantra. We all hit some bumps in the road, but the important thing is we pick ourselves up and get on with the journey. It does need time, but you are a smart and thoughtful guy (in Hawaiian we say 'akamai') and I think you'll do fine.

    Good luck to you!
     
  8. Cool Bananas

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    One reason I joined EC because I had met someone I thought was gay that I am attracted too, but they almost don't want to commit to any close friendship or relationship because the being gay part scares the hell out of them, so your story is not that uncommon.

    My suggestion make some new friends and give your friend the space that he needs, if they come back good but in the mean time meet some new people, you learn from the people you meet and even if it doesn't work out long term with anyone you meet, it certainly increases your life experiences.
     
  9. PeteNJ

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    Yep -- you need to date other guys. Stay in touch with this guy, but don't make it more than a casual friendship.
     
  10. shinigami30

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    Dear friends,

    Just want to catch you up with my personal situation. It's been three months since the last time I talked to Mr. Trouble guy, heheh. We're still friends in FB, so I see his updates from time to time, but that's it.

    I also met someone in the beginning of last June, who's more open about his sexuality, even smarter. We've been kindda dating for more than a month now (had a fight, but decided to give it a try). It's funny, to say something, how I don-t even think about that guy now. I know he exists, but I just can-t feel anything, heheh. It does get better!!!

    I cannot say everything's alright with the guy I currently date, but the bottom-line is no one can let me down unless I allow him to do so. There are a lot of people (almost always even more interesting) out there waiting to know you. Just have to go outside and breathe fresh air.

    Thank you guys!! Take care.(!):icon_wink
     
  11. Tightrope

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    I definitely won't say "get over it," being guilty of this myself, but in a different way. I've been curious, and maybe even "stalky," about how some guys I found attractive in college or at another time of my life turned out or what they look like now. I satisfied that curiosity and moved on, but only after satisfying that curiosity. However, there was no intimacy, so it isn't as intense as your case, and your feelings, too. After all that time, you just need to leave him alone. If the subject of his conversation stirs up negative feelings or don't align with how you think the discussions should go, either distance yourself or frequent him infrequently.