I’ve been a little depressed and my therapist tells me that writing this stuff out can be therapeutic. So here it goes. So I’m somewhat lonely and envy people in loving/committed relationships. I live in a very suburban area where there is nothing but families around me. Not many lgbt groups. The few that there are, I don’t feel I fit in those kind of places. So the only place I’m really looking for potential friendships/companionships is online dating. Problem is this doesn’t seem all that fruitful either and I’m not twenty something anymore. But every once in a great while (maybe 4 times), I develop a crush on someone I’ve never met just based on their profile. idk…it’s just a combination of their pictures and what they write about themselves. It seems we share the same values and hobbies. Anyway this happened recently and since I only get first emails from creepy guys more than a decade above my age range looking for hookups. I decide to write that first email myself. So I wrote a short email saying how I thought what he wrote in his profile was wonderful. It’s extremely rare to see someone express themselves the way he did, and it resonated with me because I feel the same way. To my surprise I get a reply the same day thanking me for my kind words and asking an open ended question about myself. We exchange a few emails back and forth and he always replied on the same day. But I felt that I was starting to carry the conversation. This is very typical experience for me, the very few people who respond to my emails, the email chain fizzles out quickly. I carry the conversation and eventually they don’t write back when it’s their turn. You can tell when this is about to happen as their reply will answer a question directly; they won’t elaborate and won’t ask me anything back. Obviously this means they are not interested in talking with me. Well, I was just about to sense this was happening, and then he did not reply back. It’s been about 5 days and nothing. I know he read my email because he looked at my profile after I wrote it, but never responded. You know, this wouldn’t be such a big deal if I would have a new crush every month, but it’s so rare when it happens that there is a feeling of hopelessness when I can’t even get to a meaningful conversation. I decided to visit his profile one more time after a few days, thinking he would see I visited and it would remind him that he didn’t email back. But I’m not going to do that again. So unfortunately I’m stuck home on the weekends racking up points in the arcade and winning these stupid video game tournaments, how pathetic :help:. You know when you win one of these you get mail saying that having nothing better to do has really paid off for you. That would be funny if it wasn't...well you know. I joke with my friend when he talks with pride about his daughters 8th grade graduation and I can tell him how I just became all time champion in the “Kill Kenny” video game. Sometimes life can really seem worthless you know. :icon_sad: Anyway, I don’t know what to do here, maybe I’ll wait until a full week has passed and try to initiate conversation one more time. I guess it couldn’t hurt. Don’t know what the dating site email rule of thumb is. So this is my life, David
Hi David, Oh, the dating game! People make snap judgments about each other all the time, based on so little information, it's frustrating and morale-challenging how close these things get and when...nothing suddenly happens. When I have used these sites, I have always appreciated when someone has been honest enough to say he wasn't interested, but nothing? Ugh! With regard to LGBT groups, you said you didn't feel you fit in to "those kind of places", have you gone to see for yourself? Did you look at the possibility of Meetups in your area? It is an extremely frustrating process, dating is; about the only thing you can do is increase the variety and type of venues for meeting other gay men and I know that it isn't easy where you are. It really is a numbers game, plus having an open attitude for when you run into someone interesting unexpectedly, but that won't happen unless you get out there. Would you consider moving closer to the city?
Hey David, that sucks this guy hasn't replied yet. Not that it helps, but at least you've tried which is more than I can say. I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but would it be possible to try to meet the next guy for lunch or something after one or two emails? Maybe the spontaneity of it would help keep it going or maybe you could find out if you do or don't like him that much in real life. Of course it would suck if you do like him even more and he doesn't feel the same way. I wish I had something helpful to say and hope you can keep your head up and keep pressing on. What about hobbies or things you like to do? Can you do them more so you're not spending your time on games that end up getting you more depressed? Maybe working out would be good to get your mind off things and get your blood pumping. Take care and hang in there, man (*hug*)
Actually I'm not that far away from the city, but it's a pain to get to. I have gone to a couple of meetups and felt uncomfortable while there. Most of them are in a major city so it was a 45min drive, pay to park then walk to the meeting. Then I feel out of place when I get there. It's just that these things seem to attract a type of personality that I don't fit well with. There is one or two lgbt meetup groups in the suburbs, but those are dominated by guys much older than myself. I know your right it is a numbers game, but I'm not going to be able to generate large numbers. Remember we are playing at a huge disadvantage. You know, being gay already puts me into a very tiny group. Then not being twenty something makes the group even smaller still. Guys my age are either taken, not out to themselves, married to a woman or building their careers and not looking for companionship. Then you remove those only looking for hookups, threesomes and such. Then remove those addicted to drugs. I'd say there are now about 12-18 guys left in my state. Okay I'm exaggerating, but you get the point. So there isn't a lot to choose from, that's why there is so much more on the line for any type of connection that I make. I'll be okay, this seems to happen a few times a year and it gets me really down because I realize the older I get, the probability of finding that special someone continues to decrease. Moving is not in the cards anyway, due to the current value of my home compared to what I bought it for 5 years ago. thanks for responding
I feel for you buddy, the numbers are indeed pretty thin...all anyone can do is to keep trying and being open and perhaps also a little perceptive when it comes to identifying who might be interested. I can only tell you that it happens, even at your age, and you can draw inspiration from that...plus a little faith!
Ha, it's not the games that get me depressed, it's comparing that to what others do with their time away from work. You know, what I do with my time is basically worthless, while others spend their Saturdays at their kids baseball games. I'd love to go back to working out, but my knee is damaged beyond repair now. I had to give up working out and sports a few years ago. Too much damage to be active, yet not bad enough to get a knee replacement yet. I broke my kneecap as a kid playing baseball. This depresses me too.
You do not have to work out legs to get in shape. "I only get first emails from creepy guys more than a decade above my age range looking for hookups" Oh, you are not into guys that are over a certain age? That's fine. "Then not being twenty something makes the group even smaller still." Oh, guys might not be into you being over a certain age, ok.
I didn't mean that I was looking for younger guys. I meant that there are more guys in their 20's online than my age. Just like EC has more members in their 20's than in their 30's or 40's.
Hi, Can we get back to the "crush"... When you say crush do you mean you overly invest emotionally, creating an imagined future relationship or something else? If it is the former I would suspect it is a byproduct of your base personality type rather than a "problem". That issue is very common among romantics. Inside a relationship being a romantic is a huge asset, however outside of a relationship you end up "crushing" to find an outlet. Does any of that ring true? Tough to keep in check but being aware why you may be doing it could be useful. If I had to guess and this is a WAG I would suspect you are a nurturing, romantic at heart and the crushes are an outlet for these traits. Once you find a relationship you will be a hell of a catch. I would like to ask specifically why you don't fit in to the LGBT groups. It is ok to sound a bit homophobic in your reply as every gay person wrestles with it to some degree over some issue/s. For example... Some guys are put off by effeminate behaviour or any gay stereotypical stuff because they fear it would "out" them if they associated with it. Once out of the closet it is no longer an issue and you need to change your world view to being out. So why don't you fit in? Have you tore that issue apart?
Meh, all of my online dating experiences have ended that way, I've been the one to get bored a few times though. I understand exactly what you mean thoug, sometimes you wonder why people bothered messaging you in the first place if they aren't willing to talk. The only ongoing friendship I have com a cross via the web is a woman I talk to on skype now and again. I didn't meet her on a dating sight though, it was on a lesbian forum. We went through replying to each other's posts to personal messaging, then e-mail and now we talk on skype. I think we are going to meet up at some point. Oddly enough though, I don't actually fancy her, I just think she's interesting. Meeting people online is hard because unless you happen to stumble across something you're both interested in immediately, you're always staggering about in the dark for something to talk about. Where as conversations diagress and you have that immediate interaction in person, via e-mail you just don't get that. Just keep on talking to different people I suppose, you might find someone you really get on with. the best thing to do is to try and get out to some groups though. There's no substitute for face to face interaction.
I have thought about this somewhat. I'm not looking for anyone at the moment, but might be soon. When I spoke to my wife about moving from bi into gay, she was okay with it at first and encouraged me to "explore" that part of myself I had so strenuously avoided for so long. I said I didn't think it was quite so easy. I wasn't interested in cruising the bars in West Hollywood or online dating services, and I can't exactly meet the man of my dreams just driving around town. Later, when she started to worry that I would leave her for a man, I had to make the same point. I want to meet someone I like and share common interests with. That won't happen overnight.
Skiff you made me think quite a bit today. Let me answer your 2nd question first about why I didn’t fit into the LGBT groups? A couple of years ago effeminate behavior would have bothered me, but I’m over that. At risk of sounding like a jerk, what made me uncomfortable was the loud obnoxious behavior. I was probably the only educated guy there, and I’m more quiet and reserved and have a harder time in groups if I’m an outsider and everyone else knows everybody. But the obnoxious behavior is what put me off. The groups that are in the suburbs are dominated by guys much older than me, and everything that they do is not in my realm of interests (costume parties, night clubs). There is a lot of get togethers at someone’s house and I won’t go into someone house that I don’t know. Now your first question which I had to really think about…Did I overly invest emotionally, creating an imagined future relationship? Answering honestly I can’t say anything other than yes, I did over invest emotionally. I never really thought of myself as a romantic, but I never would have had the chance to process these feelings. I am reluctantly admitting I’m an overly emotional person, although I try to hide it. My career is math/science and logic there is no place for emotion. Yet I can’t help but tear up when I watch these happy videos on Huffington Post “gay voices” or watching sad movies. And when you get me thinking about what I’m imagining then maybe I am a romantic although I try to stay grounded in reality. Sometimes my emotions take over. You see, I grew up in an overly conservative, religious antigay household. Not even an option to consider my sexuality as anything other than what I was taught to be “normal”. In my twenties, I dated women…mostly to have a date for social events. I never had romantic feelings for any of them, but I did try to force myself to be what I thought was normal. Very dark time in my life that I regret. Eventually, I stopped doing that and figured I would spend my life alone. Then as LGBT views started to change, things changed in my level of understanding about myself. My life suddenly made sense and after a while (and educating myself) I accepted myself as a gay man. You can count the number of guys I dated on one hand, and none of them ever turned into committed relationships. So I feel like a teenager half the time going through what I should have a long time ago. Unfortunately, these were the guys that would talk to me, not who I was drawn to. Being really drawn to someone doesn’t happen very often, at least not for me. So when it does it becomes so much more important and I emotionally invest. This time was hard because after 4 emails back and forth, it seemed as if he was interested in talking until he suddenly didn’t respond.
