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Doing time

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rose27, Apr 20, 2013.

  1. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    When I told my therapist I wanted to move to another state but did not want to take kids away from thier father she said its only another 6 years then you can go where you want. So stuck with homophobic inlaws. Rarely see my folks and siblings even less. I don't have A support system nearby except for husband I want to leave. Medically unable do do job I am trained in. feeing very trapped. I know my posts all sound similar. I don't want to sound like I want to abandon my children but I do need a little time- even a couple of weeks to myself. No vacation in over a decade. Totally burnt out. I have these little moments of hope then realize how alone I really am. As my husband said the other night. "If you don't have any plans why did you throw a grenade(being gay) & blow up the one positive thing (marriage) you have in your life right now?" He is right. So yes I slept with him and felt guilty afterwards because I had to think of the woman I am in love with to "get going" .TMI? Sorry.
    Not haveing an affair. She is not available and have not seen her in a year but is the reason I came out to husband.
     
  2. catatonie

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    You wouldn't be abandoning your children, to take time for yourself. Six years is a long time to live in that kind of environment. Your husband has no right to guilt you in to that, and I think your therapist is whack if she thinks staying there is worth it. You're always going to love your children, and having to move away, temporarily or permanently, to be better for yourself will make you better for them, that's not abandonment that's growth. It won't be easy and people will certainly accuse you, even fill their heads up with that garbage, but you have to do what's best for you sometimes.
    I'm really sorry about your situation.
     
  3. Stoical

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    Wow. That sounds more than a little manipulative. Especially if he used that line to guilt you into letting him have sex with you. Is there anywhere you can travel to or stay for awhile? This doesn't seem like a healthy situation, and you'd probably be better off if you can remove yourself from it - even if only for a couple of weeks to give yourself that vacation. That way you'd be able get a better handle on your thoughts without having other parties trying to put you down to influence you.
     
  4. Femmeme

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    ^This^ Look into places that are and hour or two away, it gives you the fresh slate you sound like you're needing and is still close enough to visit regularly.

    Maybe look into colleges around that distance, since it sound like you need a new career too. You can get grants and loans and live in non traditional student housing.

    I know you feel stuck, but there are options keep an open mind and keep looking! (*hug*)
     
  5. lionel

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    The only way for your children to be ok is for their mom and dad to be ok, divorce requires you to be desperate from your husband while becoming ok. Can you break down the issues and address them individually ? Your a lesbian married to a man. That needs to change , and that's ok. It's a very difficult proposition. You will end your marriage, that will create uncertainty . Financially and emotionally divorce is a sunami. Get straight in your mind that you need to address your financial partnership with your husband and divide your assets. Hard but doable and necessary. Your kids need you, you are there mom, there are no breaks. You must live in the same school district as your husband and create a space where you can live with your children every other week so they'll be ok. It's just not ok to let your problems ruin your children's lives. As broken, hurt, and vulnerable as you are your children are better off having a mom and dad than not. I don't want to sound non supportive, your suffering is heart breaking , I wish I could take it all away for you. You must make your children ok. They need their tired , hurt , and broken mom . The mom that couldn't be a for them because her problems were too big is not an option. You are not unique, plenty of kids have gay moms and dads whom the need to feel loved by. This is not an either /or . Get your he'd right around this , feel all the pain and sadness of a failed marriage, feel all the uncertainty and fear of accepting your true self, and be your kids mom
     
  6. Eliza

    Eliza Guest

    Dude, sounds like your husband is throwing a tantrum. It must be hard for him, and he can feel hurt, but you didn't "throw a grenade." You're completely entitled to end a relationship if it's not working for you. In a way, you're doing him a favor.

    When I came out to my boyfriend, I told him to read user-submitted stories on the Straight Spouses website and ask himself if he wanted to be in a mixed-orientation marriage. It's doable, and it works for some people, but most people who try it are not happy. He admitted that ending the relationship was best, and eventually he thanked me for being honest with him and ending it.

    I remember being in this place and feeling guilted into having sex and it was so, so messed up. Be nice to yourself, okay? You're not a bad person. You're doing the best you can. You don't deserve to suffer.

    Edit: sorry, that was super intense, I'm just a little angry on your behalf.
     
  7. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    lionel thank you for the gentle kick in the rear. Much needed. Financially break up not too complex. Don't want the house. I don't have much stuff so easier for me to move. There are some complex health issues w/me that I won't get into online but they will also effect my decision.
    Thank you all for your support. Hugs Rose.
     
  8. lionel

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    I got your back sister. Post frequently . We're here to help. Namaste
     
  9. LoveMusicPoetry

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    This. Your husband wanting to have sex with you, even though he know what he now knows, I'm not even going to tell you what I think of that. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. Being gay isn't wrong, guilting someone into fucking you is, end of.
     
  10. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Funny thing before I was out if he was mad he would withhold sex. Really. Already booking a few days vacation for June.
    EC friends I apologize for 1 lie I have told. Because my husband knows I go to this site I changed # of kids we have. Just 1 tween. But since I have given more details in posts he might recognize I don't care.
     
  11. Ohana

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    Well said, LoveMusicPoetry. I thought a similar thing. Please, PLEASE, don't take this the wrong way, Rose, but why, knowing what he knows now about you, would he want to sleep with you? It's not a loving act. It's out of fear. And I'm not suggesting he doesn't love you, but this specific action wasn't from a place of love. More of a fear of losing that love.
     
  12. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    I know. That was last time.Its guilt sex. Ive always believed sex and love go together for me. I know its over.
    I was replying to another post when husband came in our room a few minutes ago. 1st he asked what I was reading."Just farting around" I said. Then he asked what I was thinking which I laughed at because I had just been thinking "I want a divorce."

    ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2013 at 04:14 PM ----------

    Have a feeling things are going to come out tonight that I wanted to wait on. We rarely argue but hubby pissed I did not want to snuggle. Need courage to say things the right way.