My GF, who will probably read this (please don't for your sake), just, wow. This is going to probably contain a lot of triggering language too. I mean I knew we were on a roller coaster, and these things come in cycles. Every cycle, her accepting and loving me lasts a little longer. But tonight... I never really have been one to use the word "transphobic" until tonight but there is no other word for it. We were talking and I made the mistake of trying to argue with her. We were both emotional, but I guess years of living as a guy has that "try and appeal to reason" habit in me that I still can't break. So the conversation, "Well what about <names of two people in a gay couple we know>" "That's different. That's normal. Neither of them is a tranny." "What do you mean by that" "What? See I knew you'd take it that way" "Well how was I supposed to take that. Go on, what did you mean" (I'm no saint here I realize I should have left well enough alone and not backed her into a corner) "Well I mean, gay couples are everywhere, that's okay. But I can't let anyone know my" (wow this next word is really affecting me more than I thought it would) "boyfriend is transgendered. They won't say 'hey awesome' they'll say 'oh that's <GF's name>, she's with a transsexual. I knew she would never amount to much. They'll pity us. If a guy dresses up like a girl everyone just thinks they're some sort of freak. We're just a trainwreck. We're pitiful. You're disgusting. You're a tranny. Trannies are just freaks. It's not like being gay. You're choosing this knowing it'll make you happy, and I'm left holding the bag" (really really hard to bite my tongue here, she doesn't even have a job right now) " and you just get to skate off with no problems." I was so angry just a few seconds ago but now I'm trying really hard not to cry as I write this. Years of habit, I was crying earlier today, but for some reason some part of me is fighting hard not to cry right now. I just can't describe how I feel. Maybe she's right. Maybe I am just a selfish asshole. I just know what it looks like when I'm not, and it's so much worse. There are no right answers. Every choice hurts people. But yesterday she seemed so happy. Using my girl name. Excited about the future. Us talking about my starting hormones. She bought me darker shades of lipstick than she can wear and told me I'd put together a really cute outfit. We have tried on shoes in a department store before and were pretty obvious when we were clothes shopping. I've even been make-up matched in boy mode before. The worst part is, tomorrow morning, she's going to pretend she can't remember anything she said last night because of her fucking sleeping pills. I just needed to tell this to someone. Anyone. Thanks for reading if you did. Sorry it was so depressing. I'm just gonna keep going tomorrow. It just... you all only hear the bad. The good is so good between us. But it makes this hurt so much worse I don't know why I put myself through all this. Sometimes I really regret telling her, telling anyone. Maybe I should have just stayed closeted, only being myself at 3 in the morning, in the bathroom, miserable and ashamed, knowing I'll be a zombie the next day, not knowing when the next time I'll be able to escape this prison I created for myself will be. Sometimes I wasn't even cross dressing. Some times I just would imagine what it would be like. Or I read TG fiction on the 'net. I love her. I really love her. I guess it's fair though. I had a secret side of myself I never showed the world, and apparently, so did she. 3 weeks 'till graduation.
(*hug*) No, you deserve better than someone who acts that way, thinks that way, someone who thinks of you that way, someone who makes you feel that way. No matter. How much you love her, this is what she really thinks and you don't deserve that. Find someone who's actually worth your time, trust me.
(*hug*) That is unbelievably hurtful. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than that. You should never be expected to pretend to be someone who you are not. What an awful word to be used, the "t" word :icon_sad:. Don't feel ashamed for coming out. The only people who should feel bad right now are the people who call trans people freaks for being ourselves.
It is situations related to these that make me scared to continue my current relationship, or pursue new ones as I get older and gain more perspective and opportunity. Or rather pursue anything due to harsh judgement. When I ponder it, I would've rather stayed in this closet with the door slightly cracked, after hearing similar insults and prejudice by family and my girlfriend. ..Enough about myself, but what I'm expressing here is that this road is so difficult and I can wholeheartedly see where you're coming from, in your own perspective. Just needed to say that it's okay to vent; it always is. Perhaps it's time to drift apart from somebody who cannot view you in an accepting light.. or love you for who you are. It's extremely difficult. I abhor that "t" word and wish it never existed nor were invented, yet alone blatant transphobia. It's already enough when we have to deal with it in society, from daily tasks to media and entertainment.. but when our partners express the same intolerance, to me, it's not anything worth persisting. I really don't know what to say, or how to articulate my words in a coherent manner.. but I can relate somewhat to how you feel, right now. I just wanted to add in my $0.02 and maybe shake off those lonesome feelings which commonly occur after events such as these. Sending hugs along the way. (*hug*)
Hi Cassie, I cannot say anything you don't already know. Have you considered her side fully? As far as I know she is a straight woman in love with a transgendered male (for the moment). You hope to correct the mistakes of testosterone has brought upon you. From what I understand laser, hormones and surgery will bring mind and body into harmony for you. That is great. However is your straight girlfriend ready to become a lesbian? I am gay and married a straight woman and I can tell you it doesn't work. It is fantastic you stopped living a lie, but can you ask your gf to put straight aside and become a lesbian? Is this the critical lesson? Can people ignore the road map in their head without crashing? If your gf is straight and you are a lesbian it is a mismatch and love may not be enough. Love wasn't enough for me... Heart, mind, and body are required for a lasting relationship in my experience. You both deserve to be complete in your own way.
I wish love was enough. I love my husband so much but he deserves 100% of me. He has my heart, he knows me better than anyone & he is my soulmate but It takes something away from those things if I am pretending we have a sexual connection that is not there for me. Hugs-Rose
(*hug*) I feel like I need to make my position very clear before going any deeper: You do deserve to be treated better, and it is very hurtful to hear someone you love using such language about you. It is terrible and awful, and on top of that an indicator of just how much work is needed to ensure that we stride towards the day where someone seeking to become who they know they are is accepted. You are seeking to become who you are, and that's good, no one should ever try and stop you doing what is right for you. You're utilising EC as a support group and have people supporting you during this period of time (if not in real life, then here at least). You are not a selfish arsehole, and you should cry if you want to cry. Vent, rant, get all of the negativity out. I do not want to devalue your need for venting, and I do not want to in anyway condone the use of words that hurt you. Now for the bit some people may disagree with: Her words hurt you and let you see the part of her that is really struggling with the fact the person she viewed and loved as a man is a woman. From the sounds of it you two have been struggling with her acceptance that the man she loved was not a man and is now in the process of starting to transition. This is something she can't understand, and at the moment she won't understand. She's trying to be supportive, but she is still coming to terms with the fact that you're a woman. A few months of knowing that the person they love is transgendered is not enough time for someone who is obviously struggling with how they view those who are trans to come to become a fully supportive partner after 7 years of loving and knowing someone as a man. This period of time, those months after someone has first been told their partner is transgendered and trying to adjust to living with someone who is in the early stages of transitioning, is tough. It is very tough and can have a huge impact on relationships, it changes the dynamics and in a way it requires those involved to learn to love each other again. If she's not already she may find a support group or therapist beneficial, if she's willing to utilise such resources that is. Really it is easy for us, as people who (I presume) are empathetic with the struggle and bravery it takes to tell someone you love that you're transgender and then go on to start the process of transitioning to live as the person you are, to turn around and say that her behaviour is unacceptable or that you deserve much better, but we are ignoring the strain she is under. When we hurt, when we're stressed, we sometimes lash out verbally at the person we think is the cause of it. In her mind you're selfish because you were a heterosexual couple in love just a few months ago, and now you're not. In a way partners transition alongside the transgendered individual, they have to go through the process of acceptance and learning to love you as you are now, not the person they knew before. While you are essentially the same person things are changing, and for someone who has been in a heterosexual relationship for many years it can be a change that comes faster than they're able to process it. She is in need of support from people who understand the emotions she's going through, from people who understand that she obviously loves you and wants to support you but she's struggling with transitioning herself. The transitioning period is a make or break time for many couples, and for some (and unfortunately for you it sounds like you are in one of these relationships) it is a rocky road where the cis partner is just not mentally prepared for the speed at which things happen. It seems slow to everyone who is transitioning, and indeed may be a very slow process, but it can seem to move at warp speed to someone who is not prepared for what transitioning means. To me her behaviour is normal as I've seen it with countless couples, people who feel fine with how things are going, who are supportive and want their partner to be happy, but then something happens and it gets too much. A comment from someone at work, an article they've read, family, friends, sometimes even sitting there and having the very sobering moment that they're no longer in a heterosexual relationship. I'll say it again, she needs support. She needs somewhere she can unleash all of her feelings, negative and positive, where people can understand how it feels to be the cis partner, having all of these conflicting emotions. Some people are better at coping than others. She's coping, to a point, and then having periodic moments where she reaches breaking point and (from the sounds of it) is taking that out on you. She doesn't understand, but she's trying to be supportive, and every so often she's failing to be the supportive partner you need because she's floundering herself. If you two stay together it's going to be a rough ride until she reaches the point where she better understands what is going on, and perhaps importantly until she reaches the point where she has fallen in love with the new you. If you do not, then you may find she is able to be more supportive as a friend than a partner. You are both struggling in your own ways, and all I can do is hope that you both find the support you need (*hug*).
Thanks a lot. FruitFly, you especially. It makes it a lot easier to view this as a safe place to vent when I have to when people are willing to take her side as well as mine (*hug*)You're right that she needs support and we've been trying to find it for her. I've invited her to come with me to my therapist at school, but it's... well... my therapist, and honestly shoe on the other foot I don't think I'd feel very safe expressing myself there either. Really she needs a therapist of her own, but mine is free because I'm a student and hers wouldn't be. She's also a little nervous about the idea of therapy. We have a few friends we're out to, and they're trying hard to keep us together. Mixed feelings about that if this ends up not being a good situation, but the important thing is she has at least some people to talk to even if it's not enough. She's not really interested in joining any partners of TG people forums. So that leaves me. And as much as I needed to get stuff out, I know I've been just as immature and not understanding before. I'm no angel. Skiff, what went through my head was about what you have down here when I came out to her. It's kind of eerie how similarly we think honestly If the roles were reversed, I'd have ended things romantically and supported his transition as a friend. That's honestly what I was expecting. But she's a person with a mind of her own, and she is choosing to try to stay with me, stages of grief and emotional hell and everything. And I'm choosing to try to stay with her. She has told me she wants to try accepting me as a woman and rolling the dice. Maybe it won't work out, maybe it will. I don't want to get very personal for her sake, but both of us are figuring out our orientations all over again. Hers seems to be a little more flexible than mine right now, but she still views me as a guy no matter how dolled up I am during sex. I've heard hormones can change orientation (or reveal latent orientation, I dunno what you would call that) for some people too. I mean I'm pretty sure I'm gay right now but there are a lot of experiences I simply don't have yet. For the time being some kinds of sex that work really well for both of us are still an option. We're taking a "we'll cross that bridge" attitude toward that; it would be really bad to leave one closet and enter another. Honestly, even before my coming out there were sexual incompatibilities between us that we were working around anyway, on both sides. In fact I felt terrible bringing those up; the long celibacy was a huge part of what gave me the courage to come out, but it also made her feel responsible, like my being trans was her fault Like I said, I'm no angel either. I really don't think I'm equipped for this either I can't choose between who I love and who I am. And I'm gonna say a lot of things that are gonna hurt her just like she's gonna say things that hurt me. I just needed a place where I could get my side out and that's what I got. So all thanks, I really needed it. Yesterday I was a little more emotional than normal. I had a lousy childhood and was in therapy for that yesterday, so I was a little more vulnerable than normal. The hardest part of all of this for her underneath it all, is how other people are going to see us. That's something I've honestly struggled with too. It took me a long time to accept myself and the fact that people are going to judge me, but if you asked me how I couldn't tell you. There are still some people I'm nervous about telling.
Multipost isn't being nice to me. Hey CJ, thanks a whole lot for your message too. I'm figuring this all out along the way just like you are. It's been really great being able to talk to you halfway across the globe, going through all this crap like I am. I don't think you should be scared though. I mean some of what she was saying, was coming from a real place. But I know a lot of it was just stuff that she was holding in. Sometimes when I get in a fight those things I'm not supposed to say are some of the first things that come to mind in anger just because the words are more powerful. I really hope things go better for you and your GF (*hug*) Definitely feel free to vent if she's ever being impossible like mine was. I'll post some good news when it happens with me and mine.
