Does Coming Out really help resolve Depression?

Personally, I've been dealing with minor depression for a handful of years already, but I manage to deal with it relatively well. My sexuality was one of the more "recent" causes that made my depression worse. I kept feeling more and more repressed, unable to be who I really am, and that weighted pretty badly on my mental state, which just made matters worse. Loss of appetite, more severe insomnia (which I really didn't need), etc.

It took me a little while to figure out the cause, but when I found out the source, I made plans to come out as soon as possible. I definitively feel "better", and arguably "happier" than I was before my depression got worse. I'm still dealing with minor depression, but it's a lot easier to manage, no doubt about it, and I have less trouble sleeping, which is unusual to me (I had light insomnia). A welcomed change, nonetheless.

 

I don't know if coming out would specifically get your depression behind you. That would depend on what exactly was behind the depression...and that's rarely an easy question to answer. The common thought is to pin it on whatever your biggest problem is - "Well, 'm dealing with X and I'm depressed, so I must be depressed because of X." But then again, you might have been dealing with X, with Y and Z on top of it at some other point, and not be clinically depressed. One might argue you're at a better spot now - your wife knows, your marriage is open - even though you feel worse.

Big question here - what do you want? Assume everything is open to you. Do you want the chance to get into a committed relationship with another man? Are you enjoying the current set-up?

Lex

 

hi iadsfo,

welcome to EC. I think I have a few things to say that may be relevant, but I can't answer your exact question.

I have until very recently, been a closeted bi/gay man. I say bi/gay because I had been out for several years to my wife and others as bi. But have accepted the reality that I'm gay only very recently and made it official to my wife today.

I am also someone who has suffered from crippling depression at several points in my life. Like you, I have both a therapist and a psychiatrist, whom I now see only once a year to monitor my meds.

The fact is, I see no direct connection between being closeted and my depression. My worst depressive episodes came at times in my life when I was deeply unhappy about my work and feeling trapped by a life that was not anything like the one I had wanted. I'm a writer, and I had a very good job at a prestigious organization. But I felt like a total hack who had let myself down and wasted whatever talent I might have had. Like you, I could barely get out of bed. I was nearly catatonic. I was at a restaurant with my wife and started to cry for no apparent reason.

I had another significant episode of depression about 8 years ago, long after I had left my unfulfilling job, but this again was tied to what I experienced as professional failures.

I have known at some level that I was gay since my teens. I didn't consciously know it. Or, rather, I fought the idea. I denied my attraction to men. Unfortunately, I was more "successful" at hiding my sexual orientation than at writing. I think it's almost certainly true that some of the problems I faced in my writing had to do with blocks about my homosexuality. I think it's not a coincidence that I am achieving professional success at the moment I have also finally had the courage to say out loud what I never wanted to accept.

So, it seems true that my being in the closet affected my ability to write, which in turn triggered various episodes of depression. In other words, there's a connection, but it's somewhat indirect in my case. On the other hand, my depression lifted years ago, long before I even took seriously the notion that I was gay.

I think that coming out to more people would probably help you. But I find it alarming that mental health professionals would recommend that you get a divorce. That's something you need to reflect on yourself. A therapist can and should help you figure out what's right for you. I can't imagine that any therapist I have ever seen would tel me what I HAD to do in quite that way. My therapist has suggested that I need to let go of certain things, unwanted baggage. I have come to the decision myself that one of the things I needed to let go of was my willful illusions about my sexual orientation. I feel liberated by having made that decision. I assume my therapist has probably thought this would be helpful. It was he who suggested to me a few years ago that I might be gay rather than on he straight side of bi.

I don't know if you find any of this helpful or not. Coming out is certainly good for your mental health in many ways. But whether coming out and getting a divorce will automatically lift you out of depression is impossible for me, or anyone else, to predict.

Certainly hanging out here with us at EC is a good start. We're all going through this in one way or another. And I have found my friends here extremely supportive and full of insights and good advise. So please do stick around and join the conversation.

Best wishes,

Bill

 

I have found that the discovery of my authentic self has lifted my spirit. This happened through therapy. For 30+ years I buried the little boy I wanted to be. I buried him with alcohol, sex addiction, shopping addiction. I buried him with work and avoidance. I actually am one of those repressed homosexuals like you read about in sports or the military who over achieve to prove he is not gay. I've done some pretty macho things I'm very proud of like gutting and rehabbing two old houses by myself. Unlike WRHLA my writing has been a way of over achieving as well. I actually worried that my writing may suffer when I'm finally out! I am completely validated by the success I have in writing. That validation is what I lived for as a repressed gay man. As long as I was macho, successful and married I wasn't gay. All the while, that terrible denial was eating me alive. Living for other people is not enough. I drank, I looked for sex everywhere, I shopped, and I avoided pain.

Sometimes I thought I was bi-polar. Sometimes I thought I was suffering from depression. I would get very moody, very angry and very isolated. There very well could be a chemical/biological basis for all this. I don't like to rule anything out. Whenever depression hit or unwanted feelings I went to my avoidance behaviors. I have discovered in my coming out - to myself and to my therapist and to a few friends - that the power these destructive avoidance behaviors had over me has started to slip away -- bit by bit. I have also discovered an inner peace. Having felt this inner peace I now feel compelled to challenge myself to strive for more. My wife knows that I am questioning my sexuality. Soon she will know what I know to be the truth. I am looking forward, not just to coming out to her but to coming out the the world. I believe there is no stopping the process once it starts. I have already felt the effects on my mental health -- why would I deny myself the full force of self discovery and acceptance?

I know it's not simple. I will have days of depression following my coming out. The least of which will be grieving the loss of a 21 year marriage. I know depression can take many forms and is caused by many factors outside of a crisis of identity. Obviously I'm not a doctor. Your depression is not mine and you will have to discover your own way to treat it or manage it. I just want to say that this miraculous journey that has hit me in midlife that started 7 months ago has been the greatest medicine for my mental health I've ever had. That's my two cents. Love and good luck.

 

I am still trying to figure myself out ... but have been fighting depression for a long time and it coincides with the period I have been trying to 'out' myself.. I am sort of 'out' but also very private and not had the "butterfly out of the cocoon" experience I had been longing for.. I think that is something to do with it, and also the decades of "conditioning" holding back everything since childhood - it all creates difficult forces to battle with.

I am also not one of those people who suddenly realised they were gay later in life. I have always known since childhood. I cannot say I have been in 'denial' either .. just terrified of people finding out and putting a lot of energy in to keeping it hidden and buried.

The incredible lows, and the crying, sure rings bells with me. I think there is a huge grieving process to go through.

I recently stopped therapy for 3 years, and meds too (2009-12) and threw everything in to work to numb myself but that failed miserably last year with a crisis (in San Francisco actually!!) and am now back with my old therapist, a psychiatrist and more meds (sigh).

Support structures are essential. LGBT groups, friends, EC members all help It is great you have a supportive wife and you are finding a new path.. I hope with more therapy and support you will recognise progress soon. I wish you well..

ps: if the meds aren't really working great .. you may consider advice on alternatives. It took me about three changes to find one that seems to suit me.

 

You'll probably feel a whole lot better after you come out, but it won't solve all of your problems.

You learn a lot of messed up coping mechanisms when you live in the closet. It takes time to sort through it all.

 

Hello,

I think something Joe Kort wrote may be appropriate here.

You grew up gay. It was as natural as your eye color or handedness. However society labeled your natural feelings as bad, strange, bizarre, twisted, perverted, evil and in some places only worthy of discrimination or death. With that thought people can begin to wonder if their feelings regarding sexuality are so wrong what about all their other feelings and thoughts?

That has to represent acres of fertile soil for the seeds of depression to take root in.

The corner stone of depression may have been being gay but there were knock-on effects that may be remote from being gay. The butterfly effect in action.

The question becomes does getting comfortable with being gay, truly comfortable, exert knock-on effects that will also spread?

I personally would take the gamble.

 

Coming out did help me. I was suffering from depression since I was a child. I didn't really think about sexuality, got married to my first boyfriend=best friend (who in reality I was very much like on many levels). My depression only got worse. I was also suffering from body image problems and had an eating disorder.
After I came out, things slowly started to get better. I haven't had a depressive episode since then, as well as I am leading a healthy lifestyle, I have energy and enthusiasm to go about life despite all of the complications and problems.
I wish you all the courage to make the right decision for you and carry it through.

 

Iadsfo... I did alcohol too - to numb myself.. to take the edge off things. My doctor later put me on Valium to calm me down and I found my need for alcohol just vanished because the Valium was calming me so well. In fact the desire for alcohol just disappeared

Doctors don't recommend Valium for long term use but as a stop gap it sure helped calm me down enough to think straight ...

The thing that sounds missing for you at this crucial time is gay friends . If you are relying on wife and therapist only knowing your situation .. I can't tell you the difference it makes just having a few gay friends to call on when you need to talk, or just be with someone travelling the same path.. Don't feel alone on this new adventure ..!! And to keep posting here on EC.. We'd like to be here for you too !!! Xxx.

 

I was extremely depressed, suicidal when I went into therapy 6 months ago.

It didn't take long to start getting to the issues in my life -- though it took months for me to be able to accept and say I'm gay.

Coming out -- to myself as well as my family, friends, more -- for me, lifted my depression completely. I've never felt better, had more energy, and my friends and even acquaintances all say "you're different, what's going on?"

I'm gay... :icon_bigg I'm dating men. Yep that's it! :smilewave

 

I had been diagnosed with clinical depression around age 8 (the same year in which I realized I was gay, although no one knew that). I wasn't able to sleep at night, and was horribly emotional for years. When I first came out (almost exactly two years ago) my depression literally disappeared overnight. Of course, I had brought it all on myself, so my example might not apply to everyone. But coming out had an amazingly positive effect on my life and overall health.
So, in short, yes. Coming out did help with depression.

 

I don't know whether it was because I came out to lesbian friends and I had a support network right away or that I was finally honest with myself but I do have to say that I have not felt depressed since I have come out. After having been clinically depressed for most of my adult life it sure feels good to just be me. Even when a relationship did not work out the way I would have wanted it to I felt good enough to say that I am okay with it.

 

Based on my feelings, I would bet it would help depression.

I am living life as a straight woman, but questioning. I guess if I really dig deep, I may have known what my true feelings were most of my life, I've always wanted to be physically close to women, in high school I was quite sure I did not just love my best friend, but was IN love with her. Never amounted to anything. As I continued feeling that way, I couldn't wait to turn 21...because I could then visit the gay bars...maybe learn more about myself and meet others who felt the same way.

What did I do? Got married (to a man,) had a child...I've been living the life of a straight woman, to avoid my true feelings and not "diappoint" anyone in my life. Am I happy? No. I'm pretty sure I have all of my feelings figured out. Something is missing in my life. Something I cant get from men. I am nearly 40 years old...and if I think beyond the present....there's only one sex I could see myself happy to spend the rest of my life with. Mine.