So, as the thread title says. I've been having a rough time of it this past week, so I just wanted to vent and maybe try collecting my thoughts a bit through writing. Initially after joining this site, I was feeling pretty good about myself for the first time in quite some time. I'd even been feeling a strong desire to talk about my feelings IRL with a good friend of mine, which may seem a bit trite, but is actually a huge step for me. I've been trying to find a good time to have that discussion, but circumstances haven't been great - things keep popping up when we otherwise would've hung out, and then I've been pretty sick for most of this past week (although finally on the mend now, so there's that at least ). However, these past few days, despite myself, I've been having major doubts about this whole thing. I feel as if I've backtracked from entering Acceptance back into Depression. That excited/nervous feeling I had where I just needed to "come clean" about my feelings to someone, something I'd even been really looking forward to, seems to have just fallen by the wayside, despite my best efforts. I can't help doubting myself about all of this, and even my dreams lately have been a bit screwed up. I've been dreaming that I've been dating women, and in the dreams I've been doubting if I'm really gay. Although even then, the dreams have been ambiguous. There's been nothing sexual or suggesting sexual attraction to the women I've been dream-dating;, and in this last dream, I remember even second-guessing myself while in the dream about whether I should be dating this women because of my same-sex attractions. I can't tell if it's my self-conscious trying to tell me I'm not really gay, or if it's because I'm bisexual to some degree, or if it's just some last-ditch effort by part of myself to reject the notion that I might not be heterosexual. I think that "rejection" is a possibility. To explain a bit, I'm Italian-Catholic. Although my parents are definitely more "liberal" as far as religion goes (they've rarely mentioned anything religious or even push me to go to church), I was definitely raised with the expectation that I'd get married someday and provide grandchildren. So, I don't know if I'm just having difficulty overcoming that engrained expectation, or what's going on. But I just feel myself starting to lose motivation, and it sucks. I'm really worried I'm going to fall back into that rut that's been my status quo lately. It took a long time to get myself to this point, and I really don't want to backtrack, because the status quo has been a very depressing place. I just wanted to get this out there, at least just to keep me from retreating back inside myself. I'm afraid that I'll fall back into the same old routine again where I just generally repress everything. I'm hoping by getting this out there, I can get a handle on things and maybe snap myself out of this funk. It's been a stressful and depressing week. Thanks for listening.
It's not uncommon to get anxiety around this spot. There's something very FINAL about telling someone. Right now, if you wanted, you could delete your EC account, get rid of some porn perhaps, and resume "living the straight life" with none the wiser. But once you tell a friend, you've done it. Someone else knows, and they presumably won't forget or be able to be convinced otherwise. It makes the sexuality less of a potential and more f an actual. Which is why it's so scary...and so relieving. Lex
Hi Stoical, This seems pretty common. I would start to come out, then backtrack into denial, and so on. I would see a woman I found attractive and immediately persuade myself that I couldn't be gay and find women so attractive. So there would be all sorts of mental bargaining: "Okay, I'm bi. But am I a little bi? Sure, that must be it. And after all, everybody is a little bi, aren't they? So best not to say anything I might regret later." As for dreams, their meaning is not so straight forward. The only erotic dreams I can recall in the past six months have involved women. And I awoke extremely aroused. So I used that as ammunition against the threat of being gay. And, of course, those are only the dreams I remember. We dream at varying stages of sleep. The only dreams we remember are those toward morning or ones that wake us up with anxiety in the middle of the night. Moreover, the characters we enounter in dreams are obviously just projections of parts of ourselves, and it's very hard to know what dreams are really telling us. I didn't mean to go on so long about dreams, but the subject interests me. As Lex said, telling a friend is an important step and a scary one. Once you have said it, you can't take it back. You can try, but in reality your secret is out. I would say don't put pressure on yourself. If you find a moment when you think you'd like to discuss with him, go for it. But try not to dwell much on it in the meantime. I mean, we all do obsess about this sort of thing; it's hard not to. But don't beat yourself up over it.
Thanks, Lex and wrhla. I'm feeling a little bit better about things this morning. It sounds like this sort of thing isn't uncommon. Of course, that doesn't necessary make things any less frustrating. I kind of feel like I'm stuck in a "two steps forward, two steps back" pattern. But I'm glad for the EC lifeline though. I was really worried that I would head down that "living the straight life" road again. I'll try not to obsess over the dreams too much. I've been under a lot of stress lately anyway - busy at my work plus it's the end of semester wrap-up time for class. Now add "coming out" into the mix and I probably shouldn't be so surprised that the stress/anxiety would start spilling over into dreamland. Funny how everything seems so rational in the daylight when we're sitting here typing things out, huh? Too bad that doesn't hold throughout the day when I'm away from the computer, haha. :icon_wink That's good advice, thank you. I think instead of obsessing over trying to pin down a place/time to have that conversation, I might be better off easing up a bit and waiting until an opportunity presents itself. Easier said than done though.
It has only been a week since I have really admitted to myself that I like girls. During that time, I have told the most closest friends around me...which also happen to be gay. Because they have been through it, they intimately understand that there might be back and forth....and a period of discovery, etc. When I did tell them, it felt good...but then I felt stupid too. Could I really claim to be something without any real experience to back it up? I also realize that I had some hesitation letting go of my hetero persona because I thought that was what I was....it was definitely what I thought other people needed to see in me. I think my questioning if I am some level of bi or straight is just the ego that has been repressing my real feelings for so long, trying to breath life back into itself. The thing is, I feel better knowing who I am. I feel better knowing who I can love. I feel more at piece and less scared than I have ever been. If you don't have super close friends, I can understand holding off from telling them.... But, I think you may have to reach out to some new people...because I think it is best to do this with someone you can trust to help you. Hang in there.
Hi, Try and relate it to losing a love. At first there is despair and tears. This will abate only for it to return again but not as bad as the initial time. It will yo-yo like that until the emotion is spent. As long as it is lessening you are healing. You have seen on the police shows a serial killer devolves and they lose control, with less and less time between kills? They are trying to recapture the initial strong emotion but the human brain is wired to give diminishing returns with the same stimuli repeated. With diminishing return the killer repeats the cycle faster and faster in attempts to regain the initial feeling. Same reason that first M&M out of the bag tastes so good but the more you eat of them the less you want them. So expect to backslide it is how you are wired. It is the human condition. Each backslide brings you closer to healing. ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2013 at 09:09 AM ---------- I would guess addiction is a related phenomenon. People trying to recapture that initial feeling but they cannot due to diminishing returns.
For me, I knew it was important to tell someone, as soon as possible, and the first person I could trust. This happened 2 days after I came out to myself. I guess I instinctively knew that this was the next logical step, not easy but necessary.
As a little bit of an epilogue to this thread, I might have a chance to have that discussion with my friend on Wednesday. Plans are still tentative, but if things pan out, it could turn out to be an almost ideal situation to have my little confessional. I'll be sure to keep y'all updated with however things turn out. :icon_wink
Re: Having a Rough Time of It - Hello Stoical, Just read your email and was wondering how you are going now as is has been about a week since you first posted this. I was just about to post something similar then I saw your post, so I am guessing there must be a lot of other guys in the same position. I am not questioning whether I am gay - but rather, wondering if it is all worth it. I know I have sacrificed so much to stay in the closet all these years, now I am wondering if I should just shut up and stay here forever. Maybe I have just become so use to putting others first, and not wanting to hurt anyone, that it almost feels natural to continue this way. My boyfriend has been so supportive and I know now, that I am so lucky to have him there waiting to support me if and when I leave my family unit. And I know it will be so much easier with him next to me. I am afraid if I hesitate too much, or if I don't do it now, I will never do it. Although I am closer to coming out than I will ever be, I worry that my family is not ready for this, and what it will do to them as I have done nothing to prepare any of them for this.
Re: Having a Rough Time of It - I really believed that I could do that, just shut up and stay in forever, settling for fwb every once in a while on the side, in large part to not hurt others. I acted on that belief until very recently. But then I reached a point where that just became impossible, psychologically. It was emerging in all kinds of non-constructive ways, it wasn't good for me, it wasn't good for my wife. So I came out to her, and now to a few close friends, and soon to everyone. Yeah it's hard, and yeah I sacrificed an enormous amount to stay in the closet all these years -- more than I ever realized -- and I really truly thought I could do it forever. But what I learned is we don't have as much control as we think. Looking back, now I really wish I'd come out years earlier than I did. That is one of my biggest regrets.
Thanks for the feedback Eddy. I can certainly relate to the things you have said about how hard it is to stay in the closet. It is also refreshing to hear that you wished you did this so much earlier. Did you purposely wait until your kids were finished high school or university?
Good question. I did dread the empty nest -- when the kids were around there were lots of things to keep us busy and distracted, but once my son left for college it was just us, and that intensified all the problems, so I do think it was related to that. But it's not like I consciously thought "I'm going to wait til the kids are gone." THinking about it, it definitely would have been a lot harder to do this when they were still living here, if only in terms of the conversations my wife and I have been having, about everything in my past and about us. That said, I still regret not having done it earlier... And I totally hear you on the family being unprepared, but I'm not sure what we could do to prepare them for something like this.
Re: Having a Rough Time of It - Well, thanks for checking in. There hasn't been much to report lately. My plans with my friend on Wednesday fell through, and I've been sequestered to my apartment this weekend to work on my final paper for class. Not letting it get me down though. I plan on trying again this upcoming week. I've actually been feeling better about myself lately. I think I'm finally starting to accept that I'm attracted to other guys and actually feel okay with that. Of course, the passage of Marriage Equality here this past week has been a positive jolt to my overall mood. I think it's the first time I've started to feel (dare I say?) pride. ride: For what it's worth, I can understand about feeling "natural to just continue this way." I also feel that same way - that if I don't do this now then I'll never do it. Breaking out of the status quo is a tough, tough thing. It's even more difficult for you and those others that have families added into the mix. But I think most of us are here because we've reached that breaking point where something's got to change. What that change means for you is something you'll have to figure out and come to terms with (as well as with your family). Whatever you decide though, we're here to support one another. :icon_bigg
Just want to say that I've hidden my true self for more than 40 years, with 23 years of marriage. I don't recommend it. Despite having all the middle class stuff, I've never been happy, felt like a fraud all the time. Always being careful about everything I say, every gesture, every glance. I'm really not out yet except to my wife and three friends. They have been great; it is so hard to come out to someone but better than the other option. And, the world is still set up for straight people so the pressure of it is all around which is why the doubts still come.
Hey Guys, I really appreciate for the feedback from you all. Thanks for the comments Eddy, You are probably right in your comment "not sure what we could do to prepare (our families) for something like this" Stoical, I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. You are right, I am here as I really want something to change and that is why I am here.. I just wish my change didn't affect so many other people. Arturoenrico, You are so right., Even though I have kept this side of me hidden for so long, I have always hated that I have not been able to be totally honest and have always felt like a bit of a fraud as I really hate not being honest. Robert
