Wait, what? Did I just tell a whole bunch of people that I'm gay? Uh-oh.

Can somebody hold my hand. I'm having the same sort of panic I had back in February. All the hair-splitting about gay vs. bi, the argument between what I want to be true and what I know is true.

Since coming out (once again) as gay to my wife yesterday, I have told a few of the same friends as I told last time, before I ran for cover.

And this time, when my friend asked how I could possibly know I was going without actually having had sex with a man, I told her in very abbreviated form some of what I posted in my long post a couple of days ago. She said everybody has homosexual fantasies, and I said that about 90 percent of my erotic fantasies were homosexual and I told her about all the gay porn I have looked at and about how when I smoked dope in college I would get anxious until I surrendered to homosexual fantasies and masturbated, and how I came very, very close to having sex with men on several occasions. I think she believes me now.

And I kind have to keep repeating all of these things to myself, because I'm looking for an out, a way to dismiss it all once again as somehow not true or important and that I'm just a little on the bi side, a Kinsey 2, rather than a 5, which is closer to the truth. Does anybody out there have any great rationalizations I can borrow for a few days? Multiple personality disorder? A need to call attention to myself by making up extravagant fictions about sexual escapades?

Somebody talk me down off this ledge.

On the other hand, at dinner, my wife and I talked about gay stereotypes and internalized homophobia. Her closest friend is a gay man and she has become supportive of gay causes—e.g., a shelter for gay runaways. I've actually been thinking of suggesting that she and I get involved in something like that together. I can imagine counseling young people who are struggling with coming out.

Okay, rant over. Move along. Everybody go about your business.

Bill

 

The only person who you need to believe you is you! If you know in your heart your gay. Own it! Its not something to be intellectualized.
I used to make excuses for my crushes on women. It was so freeing to admit to myself last summer that I had fallen hard for an unavailable woman. That I truly wanted this woman romantically/ sexually.
Maybe your friend has some unresolved romantic feelings for you she doesn't want to admit to herself. Hugs Rose

 

Hi everyone, thanks for the comments.

The pattern seems to be that I wake up and think, "oh god, what have i done?" Then I have doubts and want to run back for the safety of the closet. But I have tried to be ruthlessly honest with myself and, as much as possible, with the people I have come out to, thus leaving me little leeway in my retreat. I'm out for good, and couldn't go back even if I wanted to.

My fear slowly recedes and my acceptance returns. My wife is supportive. I'm gay and happy. Today, I decided that I should also give up a kind of closet of being out but invisible. I want to get involved perhaps at the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center. I didn't think I was heading in this direction, but I'm recognizing the importance of gay pride, and I think it's important for someone like me, who could go on easily without calling attention to my homosexuality, to show a bit of the rainbow flag.

When I was in college, I saw someone with a button that said, "How dare you presume I'm heterosexual." I always secretly wanted to be able to wear one of those buttons. None of which is to say that I want to make all of this the center of my existence. But I don't want to keep it at a distance either.

 

I agree, Etinna. My friend has no problem understanding that people are gay. But we have been friends for 40 years, including lovers for a brief spell, so for her to suddenly learn that there has been something this big that she didn't know about me is a bit of a shock.

And she has some understanding of the closet mentality. She said to me a couple of years ago that figured her younger brother was gay but in complete denial, that he didn't recognize that he was gay.

 

Yes, my brother will be the hardest one. He's my older brother, whom I idolized when I was a kid and tried to model myself after. I recognize now that that was a big part of my mistake. I wanted to be him instead of me.

I don't think he'll freak, but it will take him awhile to get used to the idea. Actually, I think that he sort of suspected I was gay 30 years ago. He said something that I interpreted that way, which of course I took umbrage at. My wife also loves to recall the story of how, after my parents died, my brother and I were talking about various things like furniture, etc that we'd each like. When I said I wanted a transparent Lucite chair with a leather seat, he said "What are you, gay?"

 

I'm happy as "gay" now. Thanks to EC. I didn't use to think it quite suited me, but I now think it does quite well. I'm not letting my ongoing attraction to women deceive me anymore. It turns out you can find women very attractive but still be basically gay. I think that's where I'm at.