Hi everyone, Apologies for posting so much... Feel like I am finally coming round to wanting to process these emotions and potential disclose my bicuriousity to some more people. I have a question about processing for those of you also struggling with your identity. Earlier this year, back in November, I came out as bicurious to one of my friends. This kind of all came just after breaking up from a long term relationship I had been in with a guy. All the while I was starting to develop interests for a lady friend I had met a few months prior. I still speak to this woman regularly and my feelings, although I am not sure if she is gay, bi or neither, persist. I guess in coming out to my friend I was hoping to have more opportunity to process. For me this involves allowing me to ramble, challenging me with questions and differing perspectives and in some aspects just sharing in the process of allowing me to make sense of my feelings and sexual orientation. I guess I have been a little frustrated because my friend hasn't been as willing to engage in this conversation, perhaps because she does not want to make me uncomfortable... Either way, I am considering disclosing to others so I can continue processing and feeling more comfortable. I was wondering, do others have this issue? The need to process? How and where have you found outlets which allow you to process? I just fear that if I don't have someone kind of helping me to explore these emotions that I will continue to remain in the closet... Thought? Advice? Opinions?
a therapist. you can say whatever you want without fear. as for your friend, it seems like you have given her plenty of opportunities to either respond about her own sexuality or at least talk this through. I'm not sure what's to be gained by persisting along these lines with her.
Thanks for your reply, I've done the therapist thing. I'm not sure it's useful rehashing what I have already said as therapists do not know me outside the walls of their office and therefore are disconnected from my reality. I suppose in some scenarios this a good thing but its actually opposite what I'd like at this point because I want to discuss this with someone who understands my day to day. As for my friend, this is someone who I have opened up to to disclose how I feel. She is not the same woman I am interested in, simply a friend. Continuing the conversation about my sexuality would allow me to gain comfort in having the conversation with people I know, help to strengthen or disprove my feelings, and allow me to understand how my interpretation of my situation might be misunderstood. It wouldn't necessarily be rehashing, as I would have new thoughts/experiences that require processing. Perhaps if I were not an INFJ things would be easier...
okay, I was confused about who was who. I have to confess that I find you kind of hard to follow. Basically, you say you're bi-curious and want to discuss that with friends. Yes? By "processing," you seem to mean talking and thinking about your feelings. Figuring things out. But, what? You're afraid to talk about your thoughts and feelings with people you know? Because they might mis-interpret what you say? So you want a kind of rehearsal with one friend before you start talking to other friends? I'm really not following. I wonder if the therapist didn't have the same problem.
Oh my bad, lots of emotions running through my head, sincerest apologies for your inability to follow. To wittle it down for you: has anyone come out to a friend looking to talk about your feelings more and been disappointed by their response? I think my friend who I came out to is being supportive but I am someone who likes to talk things out and I am not getting this from her. What has people's experience been generally? Have you been satisfied with your friends willingness to discuss or frustrated? As a side note: if you don't understand, please just ask me to reframe my thoughts. My understanding was that this forum was intended to be a supportive environment and I'm not feeling that so much right now.
Hi, You want to discuss your sexual preference with friends because they know you, but your topic of discussion is a lie about you which you have put forward to them to believe? Your friends are possibly thinking "Who is this person, I don't truly know them, they have lied to me for years?" Add to that a straight person has little understanding of the challenges and angst of being gay. Meanwhile you have no interest in talking with a trained professional and totally opening up your life to them so they truly understand you. Conflicted?
I suppose there is some slight truth to the first statement. I want to open up to friends so they understand what I am going through during this time and they can provide a means of support. I don't expect to be met with challenge or offense, especially with those I would start by telling. Just because I hoped to disclose to friends, does not necessarily mean they are straight. I'm afraid you made an assumption there... If I were to do this it would be a combination of friends who identify straight and others gay. As far as I know, none of them identifies as bi. And as I mentioned above, I have spoken with a trained professional quite extensively. I am looking to move into the next phase of the process and hoping to field some advice and gain insight on what coming out has been like for other people. Maybe others can respond to the actual questions I pose above, I would find that extremely helpful. Otherwise if you are going to challenge me on my journey to discover my identity and sexual identity I would prefer you refrain from participating in the discussion. Thanks for your advice anyways skiff.
Hi & Welcome to EC mariebmcd- Some days its not the specific answer to a post that is helpful- its having people who genuinely care and understand the journey were all on. Someone can write a beautiful response but in that moment what I need most is the end of the post."Hugs" "We care" "your not alone" . If your friend is there for you listening in person whether they respond verbally in return s a gift. Maybe they don't want to say the wrong thing. If what they can offer is a hug and a ear please take it. The same here at EC. Hugs Rose
Gosh Mariebmcd I don't know why people are having such a hard time understanding you. I think I get what you're saying. I think for the most part people on this forum are precisely in the same spot as you. They want to "process" what's going on. I have a therapist and he has helped me come out to myself. BUt I'm still racked with self doubt, confusion, fear and internalized homophobia. I want my friends that I have come out to to help me process this even more. I sometimes think that they don't want to sit around helping me understand myself. Sometimes I think it's because they are afraid of what they have learned and they don't want to talk about it. Sometimes I think it's because they have their own issues and problems and I'm being too selfish and sometimes it's just because we are all so busy. All of these reasons are valid reasons why someone doesn't want to help me through my process but I don't have to like it. Like many people on the Out Later forum I'm going through a huge midlife crisis -- suddenly I believe I've discovered the real gay me. I want to talk about it non stop. I want to connect with other people. It is an obsession. I worry sometimes that I'm obsessing too much over it. My therapists is very sympathetic to that obsession. It's a really fucking big deal! Why shouldn't I obsess over it? I hope you can find people to connect with to talk and ramble as you say. I think this site is a good place. I also think this site is a place where a lot of people get stuck. I think there's nothing more powerful than being face to face with your fear, right across from you at a table, or on a couch and opening up. Real people. In my life I'm looking for more and more real people to connect with. They were the ones I was always afraid of not anonymous people on line. I hope this adds something to your life. If it doesn't maybe you'll feel better knowing that it helps me. Thanks.
Okay Marie, I thing that your second reply to me has clarified things a bit. When I was about your age, I did begin to open up to a few friends about my sexual confusion. I even said I think I might be bi. The only friends I felt comfortable talking to about this were women. I feared that male friends would be too freaked out to discuss. Men are not very comfortable talking about how they feel or whether they are confused about things. We like to pretend that we're in control of the situation. But this was all more than 30 years ago, and times have obviously changed when it comes to sexual orientation. I don't know where you are in Mass., but it's a very progressive state. I would think that discussing your questions with friends would not be all that difficult. It sounds to me like you want to be able to control the conversation going in, so that it doesn't lead you in a direction you're afraid to go. Is that true? What do you think? You can stand at the edge of the pool worrying about how grace your dive will be. But at some point, you just have to dive in.
I think I understand what you are saying. I'm at the same place right now. I just need someone to talk to. Just a sounding board, so to speak. Some one to talk to and basically think out loud with? What if you were to say to your friend "hey, I need to talk and I need some input please?"?
