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life is complicated...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by EddyG, Apr 30, 2013.

  1. EddyG

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    I posted this in welcomes section but think it's probably better here...

    I'm married 26 years, two kids college age, kind of known I'm gay since forever, but didn't want to admit it, even though I've been having sex with guys since then (though not a lot) and never really wanted sex with women. I thought I could stick out the hetero straight husband role forever, with some action on the side (again, since forever) but just didn't work.

    Outed myself to my wife 7 weeks ago, I fell in love with her at age 24 and it was real but for past 10 years or so things haven't been right. I'd gotten real good at playing the straight guy role, she had no idea and was shocked, but also devastated as she'd pictured us together forever. Anyway I'm on the one hand very happy, feeling better about myself now than ever before:icon_bigg, but on the other the pain she's going through is almost unbearable to me.:tears:

    That's where I'm at now, out to a few other friends, once I tell my kids next month I'm ready to come out to everyone. Should have done it years ago....

    At this point not sure what the way forward is. I'm not so naive as to think I'll meet Mr Perfect and live happily ever after at this age, but on the other hand can't see spending the rest of my life with my wife though we are good friends and she knows me better than anyone else. She thought we could go that route, but I am really feeling that's not possible, though the guilt does start to get to me sometimes.

    Life is so f'ing complicated...
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Here's hoping that you've found the time to read through the threads here in the LGBT later in life section. Many of us are in this age group and I think you may find much of interest in there.

    In any case Welcome to EC!
     
  3. iadsfo

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    Wow. Congratulations on all the progress you have made so far! I remember when I first told my wife three years ago. Although she could not have been more supportive, she was still very surprised as I also mastered how to pass in the straight world. And she was also very hurt, which was incredibly painful for me to see and feel. Time will help heal that wound, though that is hard to believe now. You need time to grieve the loss of your marriage, but that doesn't mean you have to lose your best friend in the process. You will always have a relationship with her; it just won't be defined as marriage. Doesn't mean you won't be spending some future movie nights and holidays together.

    Best of luck telling the kids and then the rest of the world!

    As to the way forward, you already said you feel better now than you ever had. You've already been successful with men forever, as you say. Now with that self-confidence, you'll be unstoppable and will find Mr. Right. He is out there and looking for you too. You'll paths will cross.
     
  4. Stoical

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    Welcome to EC! I think you'll find a lot of support in this forum. :slight_smile:
     
  5. PeteNJ

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    Eddy, we're a tribe here, all the men and women who are coming out later in life. Many of us with spouses/partners, many with kids.

    Like you, I played a straight man for way too many years before accepting myself, was married, more recently ended a 4+ year relationship with a GF. In the past 2 months I'm out to everyone - kids, parents, and friends.

    Ending the relationship with GF was tough, even though there were plenty of other reasons than my sexuality that it had to end. We were very much in love, we were each other's best friend. I miss the intimacy. She was/is very hurt over all this.

    I can only say, it gets better when you take the steps to get better. Got a therapist who rocks. I started going to 3 different LGBT centers -- getting involved in groups, making friends, and meeting men to have sex with.

    In a typical week I meet a FWB (Friends with benefit) guy a couple times a week for lunch/dinnner/overnights/sex. And I see another guy or two in a week. I"m at the LGBT center at least once a week, sometimes 3 times, depending on what's going on. And hit at least 1 gay bar a week with the buddies.

    6 months ago I was depressed and suicidal. 2 months ago I was still in the closet. On June 2 I'm marching in the Gay Pride Parade in NJ, and hope to march on June 30 in the NYC parade.

    BTW -- I'm surprised your wife had no idea. My ex-wife, when I came out to her, told me that the family had suspected for 25 years. A word of advice -- she must find her own support (groups, friends, family) -- and not you! She needs to lean on others than you and get the strength to cope from them, not you. Otherwise the unentanglement gets so much harder.

    Keep posting -- we, many of us, are here for you and each other.
     
  6. wrhla

    wrhla Guest

    Hi Eddy, and welcome. It's wonderful here at EC. Yes, we have all been very good at playing the role of straight man. I convinced myself for years, and pretty much everyone else as far as I can tell from the reactions I have been getting since coming out to friends.

    I get cold feet about coming out several times a day. I have to keep pushing myself. Mostly though, I'm glad to finally be able to describe myself as gay without shame. Talking to my friends here at EC is a godsend.

    So join the club and make yourself at home.

    Bill
     
  7. EddyG

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    Thanks for the welcome guys!

    Thanks iadsfo, this is what we are both hoping for, and I've already told her I'd make dinner for her a few times a week.

    Thanks PeteNJ, I'm realizing this quite strongly now and we're working on getting that support for her. Glad you're getting tons of action! On the suspicions, I met my wife when I was 24 and by then I'd gotten the straight guy role down pretty well. I think that some people who knew me earlier, in middle and high school, might not be quite as shocked...


    wrhla/ bill, yeah that is the most amazing thing for me at this point, and one of the reasons I'm actually finally feeling great about myself for the first time ever really.
     
  8. Rose27

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    Hey Eddy G -Welcome to EC! Hugs Rose
     
  9. EddyG

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    Thanks Rose!