Up early as had a nightmare MIL (mother in law) hated me even more when I told her I was gay. I know I will be banned from her house & that's not an exaggeration. Ultra conservative going-to-hell type. Rest of that side of family not that conservative but will follow her as they fear the ice treatment they will get if they cross lines. I have had many a holiday when no one except husband spoke to me except for short initial greetings. If I tried to start a conversation person answers then thats it. Who had to sit in kitchen because they were short a space at table? Yup. Me & often son. In early years husband told me to accept it that nothing would change. Except for an occasional suck up nothing has. Why do I care so much? . Not the first I'm gay everyone hates me dream.
Hi, You repressed your sexuality yourself for years, not much of a leap for you allow others to repress you too? I doubt you will allow that to happen again. Since there is nothing wrong with your sexuality the problem belongs to your in-laws. Sounds like your mother in-law is the source of a lot of repression. Your husband sounds like he needs to grow a pair and start dealing with his mother as an adult. What part of this, other than sexual identity denial on your part, belongs to you? You married into a screwed up family.
Rosé, In other posts you extolled the virtues of your husband. Why? What kind of man allows his mommy to denigrate his wife, while telling his wife "deal with it"? I would not leave my children, especially a son to be raised by him. You can list his good qualities all day long but what good is a man who will not defend his family from emotional and hierarchal abuse, especially from his mother? Are you repressing his negative attributes? Did you choose him because you felt you deserved no better? You compromised on sexuality, did you compromise on husband selection? Do you want your son to be brought up not to defend his family? ---------- Post added 1st May 2013 at 03:01 AM ---------- Let those maternal instincts to be fully "outed" too if you are holding back.
Here's the funny -got married in part to be part of a "real" family because mine was so f'ed up. HA! Only met real parents as an adult. Totally nurturing & loving. (my parents not an EC story) but they are in 70's & out of state. The only fights my husband & I have had is about our mothers & his lack of balls-refusing to confront situation. Terrified they will turn sun against me somehow. When you grow up in hell pretty much anything else seems like paradise..... As supportive and loving as husband as he has been he has been reminding me of my greatest fears in subtle ways. Like saying he is a afraid I will get into a "lesser" relationship w/a woman that is abusive or that I will be totally alone in an apartment. Its very manipulative. A few posts ago someone said he was using me as a *uck. So the other early am I woke up frisky (he was NOT the source) but we did it and the said it felt like I was thinking about someone else & basically used him for a *uck. I was. I feel awful about it . Done with sex with him. ---------- Post added 1st May 2013 at 04:07 AM ---------- Skiff was writing my post response while you were writing your second one.
The future is yours now. Don't forget the lessons of the past. "They" told me to study my my potential mother in-law for that is what you are marrying in large part. My wife is afraid of her mother (domineering woman) but I was never phased by her. I simply spoke my mind and ignored her barbs. My wife would tell later how her mother was trying to subtly condemn me. Guess she was too subtle to slow me down, or I just didn't give a damn. I butt heads loudly with my own mother though. She has no boundaries and is negatively intrusive. My therapist says it is good I give her boundaries with consequences when crossed.
Skiff Even w/everything she has done I do love my MIL because I recognize the pain in her. That's why I kept trying. Before I met my husband I had devoted myself to my former profession in hopes that it would fill the lonely places in me & give me purpose. Now coming out I know I might end up alone. Going to be a fun therapy session today. Thanks for the support. Rose
Rosé You may end blissful too! You have got to the point where a chance at true happiness has more value than what you have. You are starring down the barrel of opportunity. Don't let the delivery system put you off.
Hey Skiff- After my rough early am had a lovely happy "I am sooooo gay" moment that still has me smiling. Hugs
Hi Rose, The more I hear about your situation, the more I see why you need to move on. Your MIL's pain does not make it okay for her to treat you like dirt. You said your son was 18, I think. No one is going to be able to turn him against you if you are honest with him and show him that nothing will change your love for him. I'm with skiff. I think you are going to find more happiness than you thought possible. I just have a very good feeling about where you're headed. And I'm rarely a cockeyed optimist. love, Bill
Hey Bill- No -son still in school a few more years. Decided where I am going to move today. Only about a half hour drive and more gay friendly area. I realized today that I want to share more custody than I previously thought.His middle/high school is near but no rentals in area. Yah- Husband does have some a-hole moments that I let slide because I was so grateful to find someone who loved the broken me. self esteem was very low. Therapy-EC making a big difference in short period of time. Therapist said today how much change she has seen in me the past few months from first visit. More positive-all good things. Thanks for the positive thoughts & encouragement S&B! Rose
Though it's none of my business, I'm glad to know that you're going to stay closer to home and ask for joint custody. It seemed like you were cruelly sending yourself into exile for crimes against nature. As for your husband, who among us hasn't sometimes been an a-hole. I mean other than me. I'm going through my daily crisis of denial and acceptance. I have been very deeply invested in a self-image that just wasn't true. Getting my head around that isn't easy. Other people were gay, not me. And it's not about stereotypes, because I know a great many gay men and women, and I do not seem them as "types" but as friends and former colleagues. Another anxiety I feel at moments is that I'm a cliche. A middle-aged man who finally comes out of the closet. I feel that I have lacked he courage of others to come out. A former colleague came out when we were still working together; his then-wife also worked there. I had drinks with her one evening after work so she could talk about the situation. I recently had coffee with her to ask for some professional advice. The thought of my now telling her that I, too, am gay made me feel a bit guilty. That I had betrayed her trust.
I don't think you betrayed her trust. My self esteem issues have to do w/crappy childhood. Which has made me insecure about me as a mom even though I know I am a good parent. The whole single parent thing is scary. Earlier today I went somewhere I was proud & happy to be gay. Not going to let anyone stomp on my self esteem outright or subtly anymore. Remind me of this EC friends.
Amen! Rose, Rose, Rose! I wish I could just give you a big hug!! You deserve every happiness in the world. You are a wonderful mother, I am sure, and should absolutely be in your son's life as his mother, not just a visitor. I'm glad you've realized that you want more custody. I"m glad you had some happy "gay" moments...you deserve not just happy "gay" moments, but a happy "gay" life!
