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Telling new friends?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by skiff, May 2, 2013.

  1. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    I am taking charge of my "out" life. As a function of that I am telling new friends right off the bat. I believe this has my brother concerned.

    For example...

    I have always enjoyed the company of my brother's brother in-law (call him Jim). Last week while in the area I called Jim and asked him if he had room in his circle of friends for one more. When he said "Sure do" I said " I gotta tell you up front I am gay if that bothers you."

    It got back to my brother and he wanted to know why I wasn't keeping it hush, hush.

    I told him I am not living scared anymore.

    I have liked Jim for 0ver 25 years but avoided him as hanging out with him when i was closeted he would have figured out I was gay and I would have outed myself too close to family. Since it is not a secret anymore I asked Bob to hang out telling him upfront I was gay.

    Am I handling this as any of you would?
     
  2. PeteNJ

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    At my coming out group we talked about coming out at work. Not quite the same, but same issues.

    One guy is about to start a new job and wanted some ideas - tell people right away he's gay or not?

    Well, another guy had started a new job about a month ago. Now he regrets not saying something right away, its almost like he lied or wasn't forthright by letting people assume he was gay (kind of a macho environment, lots of female joking around).

    IDK Skiff -- I think if I were starting over, I'd say it right away. Would you want to make friends with people who would later walk away if they found out your're gay?

    I'm still not sure about work places -- ideally yes, but practically, a lot of places being gay still isn't exactly accepted.
     
  3. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi Pete,

    Yes, workplace is less of an issue until you start getting close to people. I imagine if you were a member of a coffee clutch you should make it known.

    But just cubicle neighbours for the sake of saying who have no investment in you other than work... Not important.

    But new friends I think a firm "yes".
     
  4. EddyG

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    I actually hadn't thought of this yet, but I think the way you handled it is perfect! Makes total sense.
     
  5. Stoical

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    The thing to be careful about coming out at work is the potential for discrimination in the work place. In the private sector, sexual orientation is not a protected class under federal law. However, there are a number of states that extend anti-discrimination protections to cover sexual orientation (such as RI and NJ), and sometimes it may covered by local laws/ordinances or the company's HR policy. But if you live/work somewhere that doesn't have those protections in place, it's something you might have to be careful about revealing.
     
  6. BMC77

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    This is not something I've dealt with, since I'm currently enjoying the scenic splendor of Narnia...

    But it's certainly something I've considered. On the one hand, I really don't feel like advertising my sexual orientation. It's just a small part of a person. I'd rather be known as a person, not as "that gay guy."

    Unfortunately, though, at the same time, there are very practical reasons why one should be upfront. Maybe not in casual social settings, but one does not want to invest too much in a relationship that will later implode because of the gay issue. And, of course, people who know one is gay might well have a really good lead on a great single gay guy they know...

    The ideal I'd like is to be in a LTR. Having a boyfriend or husband will automatically tell others you are gay, without having a long conversation. Bonus: it focusses more on relationships than sexual orientation.

    I'll have to think some more. Maybe while thinking I'd better go and add a few more nails holding the closet door shut...

    ---------- Post added 2nd May 2013 at 06:14 PM ----------

    And work situations can be a nightmare. I can imagine problems even in a place with legal protection. Protection only goes so far...the fundamentalist secretary who hates gay men could probably find lots of ways to let one know her feelings and yet stay this line of termination.

    Mixing work and social lives is often a bad idea, anyway.

    The one possible example I saw years back was with a college professor. There were rumbles he was gay when I knew him, but they were only rumbles. He never said anything direct that I knew of. Certainly not to me. But he did later on become a little more vocal, both with subjects of classes he taught, and also formation of a GSA. But by that point, he had tenure. People might hate his sexual orientation, but guess what? There's nothing they could do, unless they caught him breaking some major rule. Or the department got dissolved, which would be just a little hard to do, since it was a department that figured heavily in the general graduation requirements.