33 yo and finding out about myself

I'm not sure about bi's being shunned. But I'm new to the LGBTQ community also, and not really publicly out yet, so I don't really know I guess. I have heard claims thatmore people call themselves "bi" than are truly bisexual, like as a first step in coming out when they are really gay (I actually knew a couple of guys that did that). So maybe it has something to do with that?

Although I can say that at least in this community, I wouldn't expect any backlash. Everyone here's been pretty accepting and supportive from what I've seen. :icon_bigg

 

Pretty much nailed it. Many homosexuals were previously "bisexual" as they developed their sexuality, in that they had both male and female attraction, which later developed "strictly" towards the same gender. Because of that, it's not unusual for even gays to (wrongfully) refer to bisexuality as a "phase" or as an attempt to pick a label that's more in the middle than "Gay". Heterosexuals also express similar views at time, or can refer to it as just curiosity.

I wouldn't worry too much about it though. There's ignorance everywhere. As far as how to come out to other people, I don't know exactly how I would come out of as Bi. My only experience with bisexuality was accompanied with years of confusion and repressed emotions before developing strictly same-sex attraction so... not the best person to give advices on that.

On the other hand, I'm curious about your wife's reaction. Are you in an open relationship? Do you plan to act on your attraction to both males and females or simply remain strictly committed to your wife? Was bisexuality a source of discomfort in the relationship and "Coming Out" a way to reaffirm the relationship?

Sorry for all the questions, I suddenly got curious and had to write them down.

 

I'm curious about why you think you need to 'come out' if you are happily married. You've clearly chosen a side & committed yourself to someone -- is there a need to open that can of worms? We need more info, because this seems a little odd. Is this a political stand of some kind? Or trying to help the LGBT cause by coming out to let the community know that "normal" married people are part of this group too? Let us know your motive for coming out. It will help clear up the confusion.

 

Ah, thanks for the reply.

I struggle a little to understand bisexuality (mostly because of my bad experience with it). I mean, I understand the definition of bisexuality, but I'm unable to assess and process this beyond the theory (whereas I understand Transsexuality well). It's just a weird quirk I have of trying to understand everything I come across beyond just the theory.

 

Hi

Zel.

I am not bisexual but I think I can answer part of your question.

There is no beating your sexuality. You cannot choose to commit to gay or straight. Some may get married and committed on paper but in life if you are not being true to yourself it causes emotional problems.

The bisexual has no more choice than a gay or straight. On any particular day they may have shifting needs.

This must cause real problems in close interpersonal relationships unless they are involved with very special, tolerant people.

Me, I bond tightly with a partner and to learn my partner loves me Monday only for them to love another person of the opposite gender on Friday, only for them to love me again on Wednesday would be impossible emotionally for me.

It has to be frustrating for the bisexual too. Many want commitment that the bisexual cannot guarantee.

 

Just talk about your homosexual life in the same way that you talk about your heterosexual life.

The 'LGBT community' is a euphemism for something that doesn't exist. There are LGBT organizations, and they are politically correct, of course. You can replace LGBT with gay (and lesbian). Lesbians and gays have their own (commercial) infrastructure that is often not accessible for the opposite sex. Gays find bisexuality difficult to understand and consider the bisexual as a part-time homosexual who can deny his homosexuality when that is convenient.

If you are dating men you are less attractive if you advertise your bisexuality because you communicate that you are 'different', a minority in the minority. Nobody likes minorities, especially not a snobbish minority that knows everything (gay and straight) better and makes simple things complicated.

A 'straight' man has only this label in common with the next 'straight' man, there is no organization for all straight men, and the same is true for 'gays' and 'bisexuals'. I dare to say that gay men are even more diverse. Since the early days of homosexual activism there is a struggle between the followers of a male and of a female interpretation of homosexuality, and so on. Online dating slowly ruins the commercial gay infrastructure and doesn't create a community, it is dog eats dog.

Imagine a gigantic bed in a dark room. You are told that gods (if you are gay or bisexual) or goddesses (if you are straight or bisexual) will come and 'take care of you'. You really enjoy their activities, but afterwards you are told that the gods were male AND female. The straight and the gay men are shocked, whereas the bisexual will say that he always knew that it is more or less the same, sex is sex. Look at all the people who can't stop kissing dogs and cats without ever worrying about homosexuality.

Bisexuals: putting the B back in LGBT | Marcus Morgan | Comment is free | guardian.co.uk

That is not a problem of bisexuality. If your partner has several male sex partners you are in the same situation, and it is perhaps even more dangerous. The typical gay prejudice that only bisexuals are unfaithful! Read a few studies about the HIV infection of gay couples. Monogamy exists more in theory than in practice. A friend told me that he dislikes bisexuals because his last lover left him for his sister. Will he dislike gays if his lover will leave him for – his brother?

Zoophily is a choice, the bisexual has a choice, and the straight man has a choice, but he is so scared! The strong repression of homosexuality only makes sense when homosexuality is an option. From an essentialist contemporary gay point of view there is no choice, of course. But a bisexual tries to optimize body form, sexual behaviour, emotional and intellectual behaviour, taste, hobbies, mating patterns etc. etc., but a specific sex is not a sine qua non.


“The years some homosexuals spend trying without success to conform to conventional expectations regarding gender and sexual orientation tell against the most extreme forms of sexual plasticity. However, in the absence of any evidence linking the peculiar sexual practices of Melanesia with genetic difference, it is reasonable to suppose that if a bunch of Melanesian infants were to be transported in infancy to the United States and adopted, few would seek out the pederastic relationships into which they are inducted in New Guinea, or take younger homosexual partners when they reached maturity. Similarly, American children raised in New Guinea would accommodate themselves to the practices in Melanesia.”

“It was the production and dissemination of a medical discourse that gave birth not just to the CONCEPT of a homosexual person, but also to homosexuals themselves, and at the same time, to their antitwins, heterosexual persons. In the beginning was the word!”

“Today most scholars who carry out historical or cross-cultural studies of homosexuality accept the constructivist axiom that propositions concerning sexual acts and actors inevitably make use of conceptual categories that distinguish some acts and actors from others. They also accept the claim that these categories are culturally specific”.

David F. Greenberg, The Construction of Homosexuality, University of Chicago Press, 1988

“The sodomite had been a temporary aberration; the homosexual was now a species. (Michel Foucault)

“Successful heterosexual and masculine identification psychologically and socially depends on the repudiation of both femininity and homosexuality.” (Tim Edward)


I think 'bisexual' is a good starting point but in the end the opposition of the two sexes is more obscuring than enlightening. The remaining taboo is transsexualism; Western societies simply can't accept that there are men who are women and vice versa. We still live in the dark ages of sexuality, and that won't change any time soon.

That sums it up very well!

 

In regards to being shunned...

Every community has its bigots. I was closeted a long time and in my 20's an open gay condemned me to my face for not being open and fighting for the cause.

Personally I have nothing against any LGBT person but I do have hard learned rules for myself. My rules revolve around not getting into "love" relationships with the emotionally unavailable. To me, by definition a closeted gay or bisexual are emotionally unavailable. The closeted gay puts their lie above love, and the bisexual cannot guarantee they will be physically/emotionally available to me on any given day.

I do not shun these people, I will be their friend but I draw a line to protect my own emotions. Once burned twice shy.

Does that help?

 

Lot of us finding our way here. Me too. Great supportive, and sometimes (in a positive way) challenging community.

Many of us have had women (as wives or girlfriends) in our lives while having sex with men. For most of us that was while in the closet and in secret. Though not all of us.

I even married into a family where my father in law is bi, and had relationships with men throughout the marriage. Not an easy path at all.

I, and I think most of us here, won't judge or be suspicious of being bi.

There's no map for finding happiness being bi or gay. And the hard part is how those in our lives react to what our personal journey is.

As long as you are true, honest, and authentic about yourself and have as much compassion and empathy for your wife as you'd like her to have for you, you both will find what works.

 

In the past day or two, I have become increasingly convinced that worrying about distinctions between "gay" and "bi" are an incredible waste of time. I went from identifying as bi to identifying as gay to now identify as "whatever."

Thinking about it last night and this morning, I realized that I would rather have sex with my wife than anyone else. Aside from my wife, I think I would probably be more interested in men than in women, but I feel I cannot foreclose the possible of being interested in women again.

Who you love and want to be intimate with is more complicated, and more important, than the usual categories can grasp.

 

This is how I felt for long time switching from the label of "bi" to "gay" and back and forth until I found this forum with great people and I learned to drop the labels. For me, I'm most attracted to the person I'm with at the time, man or women. I feel I'm starting to lean towards just men but that attraction to women is still there just a lot less.

 

This is how I felt for long time switching from the label of "bi" to "gay" and back and forth until I found this forum with great people and I learned to drop the labels. For me, I'm most attracted to the person I'm with at the time, man or women. I feel I'm starting to lean towards just men but that attraction to women is still there just a lot less.[/QUOTE]

Exactly. I would just add that I'm really happy to apply the label "gay" to myself after running away from it for so long. I have become slightly addicted to telling people I'm gay. But I don't see that that necessarily forecloses heterosexual relationships in the future.