hi all

Hi Kazaneko- Welcome to EC - Were here for you. There are a few of us here going thru &
surviving various stages of needing to tell/ have told spouse they are gay. I'm sure you will here Just wanted to let you know your not alone. Hugs Rose

 

Hi Kazaneko :welcome: to EC ride:

 

Hi Kazaneko and welcome to EC!

I sympathize with your dilemma, but, on the positive you are still quite young and I presume you don't have kids?

One way to consider telling her is with a letter, and the first thing you should explain in that letter is why you feel you can't tell her face-to-face. Of course, you need to talk about it after she's read it, the sooner the better.

 

Hi,

In reading Joe Kort's books how you handle this is unique to you. There are no rules.

You know your situation best. You know your issues, you can make an educated guess as to your wife's but keep in mind anything can happen.

Some wives are accepting and supportive and want to remain married(tough road from all accounts), some go ballistic, some just pack and leave. You can mix and match that a 1,000 different ways.

We can offer our experience and support, but your experience will be unique.

All that matters is you do what is right for you without the situation festering.

That can range from seeking divorce because you lost your passion for her to telling her you are gay. Only you know your situation.

All the best, keep posting.

What you imagine is most likely worse than what will happen.

 

Hi Kazaneko, and welcome!

I just came out to my wife of 26 years in March. One of the hardest things I've ever done. I just asked her, "would you be surprised if I told you I'm gay." She was.

Anyway I wish I'd done this long long ago, for her sake and mine.

It sounds like you know you want to tell her, so you've made that decision. How to tell her, as Skiff points out above, really depends on your situation etc. But my own view, based on personal experience and regret, is, better sooner than later...

 

Hi Kazaneko and welcome to EC! I'm glad you found this site and hope it's helpful to you. As others said it's better to tell your wife sooner than later, but easier said than done of course. I wish you all the best. Take care!

 

Welcome, Kazaneko!

As Rose said, many of us here are at various stages in the process of telling spouses and working through it all. And, as Skiff said, everyone's experience is unique. At first I thought there was no way in the world I would ever tell my husband. With time - and therapy - I realized I had to. Then with more time - and more therapy - I began to form the plan as to how to do it. Then in a moment - with total disregard to the plan I made with all that therapy - I just told him.

Did you catch the theme of therapy in all that? I highly recommend it! If you're not talking to someone already, really consider finding a good therapist to help you work through all of this.

I will say as difficult as telling my husband was, it was easier than I thought it would be. He said it then and he has said it multiple times since, that he's glad I told him and didn't wait any longer. He wishes that I'd told him earlier. Again, that's just him and that's just me.

Try not to despair. I know that's easier said than done, but the fact that you're here on EC and have reached out...that is a HUGE and AMAZING step! It really is. Have hope because you're on the path to finding your answers.

Hugs and welcome!

 

Welcome. Many of us here with nearly identical stories.

I suggest you get yourself some real support before you tell her. Get a therapist who specializes in LGBT issues. Then tell at least a best friends, family member, etc. And get yourself to your nearest LGBT center and join a coming out and/or support groups.

Last thing you want to do is tell her - and have no one else know -- isolation is a terrible thing.

Wish you well -- keep posting. We're here for you!

 

Hi Kazaneko,
I came out about 1 year ago to my wife of 23 years. My advice, don't wait so long if its not right. I have great kids but I waited way too long to do this. I love and care about my wife but the sexual attraction is not there. You are definitely in the right place to figure this out and get some direction.

 

Hi and welcome to EC!

As has already been mentioned - getting a therapist to help you through this process would be really good. Both for you and your wife. You'll need a professional to help you keep the lines of communication open. Some times we get so stuck in our own heads that we 'assume' what the other person is thinking or feeling - and we get it wrong. A professional can help.

If you know it isn't right, and you're already coming across as distant, it's not going to get any better. You need to take steps to change your situation. Good luck!

 

Yay! Be proud of yourself!!!!

 

Hi and welcome! Three years ago, at age 43, I came out to my wife of 20 years. My advice - tell her when you are ready to, but make it sooner than later. The longer you wait the more it will consume you. And when you do tell her - get right to the point. You can explain with supporting statements and answer all her questions later. Don't hem and haw and try to tell your story up front - the conversation will go better if you get it out in the first sentence.

As others have said, speaking with a therapist first can definitely help and your situation is unique to you and your spouse. My spouse was more supportive than I could have ever imagined and an immediate outcome was we became closer than we had been before because I was finally honest with her and she got to see the real me and make sense of some things that didn't quite fit right in the puzzle.

Best of luck and we are all supporting you!

 

Hi welcome to ec

 

There is such a freedom, truly, when one comes out. Congratulations on that even those it's in the midst of so much chaos. You're very brave! May you continue to find peace as you move forward!