I've been wanting to post for a long time. I've read the posts of a bunch of other people in a similar situation to myself. I am 56, married, with two teenagers. I told my wife , who kind of knew, about a year ago that I thought I was gay ( this really was a lie; I knew I was gay). After a life of lying everyday, being careful about every word you say, glance you take, gesture, etc., it becomes weirdly natural to lie. I decided if you lie about who you really are, everything is just built on a pile of sand. I can't really say I'm out yet, just to my wife and two friends. My wife and I have no clear path foward at this time. I have been going through one of the worst periods of my life in terms of depression, which has plagued me since my early 20s. I was in a Coming Out Support Group for 8 weeks which was ok; it was a start. I think I need to leave my straight therapist as he hasn't been helpful about this huge issue and I think he tried hard to hold me back from accepting the truth about myself. Well, I could write for hours but I've got to stop sometime.
Welcome! I'm in a similar place, 54, married with two college aged kids, told my wife 8 weeks ago, out to only a couple of friends so far. This really struck a chord with me: Yeah and I found the sand started to erode even before I decided to come out. Only when I came out did I realize that I'd built an entire "straight husband" persona which I inhabited and constantly monitored myself to make sure no one would every be able to find out it wasn't real. And the moodiness, depression and just zombie-like feelings (or lack of feelings) of the past 15 years was all (or mostly) coming from that lying. I'm finding a coming out support group now, starting to see a gay therapist, and my wife is also getting support -- up until now we've only been talking to each other about this whole thing. Also not sure of path forward but what's becoming clearer to me is what won't work. Anyway this is a great place for support, a great place to vent too. Hugs.
Welcome ArturoEnrico, to EC! It is fascinating to me how similar our stories are! You've come to the right place!
The living the lie does take its toll. I lie much less now that my wife knows. She has known almost four months and the truth has brought us closer together. The only problem with the current status quo is that my teenage boys don't know yet, and my wife is now in "our closet" instead of me being in "my closet". I don't see a clear path forward for us as a married couple if we are still living some type of lie to others. We both agree that an open marriage is not right for us so that does not leave many other options. 1) I could try to continue in the marriage as monogamous--this may be OK for now, but I fear for the future as my urges get stronger (as they have been over the years). 2) Divorce.
Welcome to EC! I think I know the 8 week group that you went to, I'm just starting one myself next week! I'm probably slightly further out than you, but need to get to the goal posts, if you know what I mean. I'm fortunate in that I have no wife, no kids, nothing of that nature. I have two therapists (one for individual, and one for group therapy) - they're both extremely helpful, and both gay. I'd be more than happy to recommend them to you, but I'm not sure if that's against the security precautions here (as I'm probably the only person at the intersection of the clientele of both of these people ). One of them might be too young for you anyhow - I don't know how you'd feel about a therapist significantly younger than you.
All of you have been really great. Right now I'm feeling very isolated, no gay friends. I live (lived) the straight life in the suburbs and played the part as perfectly as I could, despite what I felt inside. Even though I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, the personal cost for hiding myself for so long has been really high. Should have done this much sooner. I know regrets are kind of foolish; I just need to move on and find a community for myself. I feel like there are so many layers of deceit to peel away: work, family, community, etc. I'm worried what it will be like coming out to my kids and how all of this upheaval will affect them. I hope ultimately that my honesty will be better for them. It's really awkward now with my wife. She doesn't want to socialize with our old couple friends without disclosing, which I'm not up for. So, we end up spending more alone time with each other, especially on the weekend, than we used to. It's not working for me. Fortunately, I found a gay therapist who runs a gay men's group that I'm joining; hopeful about that.
"I feel like there are so many layers of deceit to peel away: work, family, community, etc. I'm worried what it will be like coming out to my kids and how all of this upheaval will affect them. I hope ultimately that my honesty will be better for them" I'm right there with you. 51 (used to live in the jersey suburbs). Lived straight, still live straight, for so long that peeling away all those lies could take a long time. I'm clinging to the idea that honesty is the best policy, not just for me but mainly for my kids and even my wife. Who know? Is honesty the best policy? Who keeps telling me that? Maybe it's not the best policy. Maybe I should just bury it all and go deny everything again. I had a pretty good life... the problem is I've started down a path and I can't stop it now. I think sometimes everyone on EC is in this stage and there's only a couple who have gone through everything and come out the other side. Maybe they all go away once they've worked out their own coming out process. Too bad really. I would love to hear from more people who failed and just went back in the closet or from people who have made it through all this. Anyway, good luck Arturoenrico. I'm reading.
Hey, if you ever need an LGBT therapist in NYC, let me know (though you already mentioned you have one!). Mine is really great and affordable - though as RainbowMan mentioned, I would have to see what the security precautions for that would be before giving info, and to see how to do it (through a private message maybe?).
