How long have you known?

I've always believed the heart wants what it wants. Except for my husband I always fell for women...just never acted on it. I never labeled it as gay. Ok fine -its a little more complicated than that but its a beginning....to a waaay longer story.
Going to think about this thread more.

 

Honestly, it depends. I don't know who told me that girls loving girls was bad, but I got a really strong push back when I was younger. I didn't think of myself as lesbian; I just thought boys didn't like me. I couldn't understand why everyone told me that they couldn't see me getting married when I was older. As much as I told myself that I wasn't in a relationship because I wasn't attractive, I now realize that I never really wanted to be in a relationship with a man.

It wasn't until I was recently tired of being depressed for the last three decades and started going to a therapist to start uncovering why I hated myself so much...that I started figuring it out. Honestly, I had to medicate myself for the depression and uncover how much I lied to myself and others before I became courageous and vulnerable enough to figure it out.

I am still afraid about acting on it. I worried that maybe this is just another lie I am telling myself, but the way I feel about myself and the weight that has lifted off my shoulders indicates that I believe I am on the right track. I think it is important to not judge yourself on how others figure it out. I had a lot of damage from my childhood that I had to examine before I could figure it out. When you are terrorized at home, it is easy to repress anything that could be fuel for that abuse. I never felt safe to be who I was, and it was easy to see how I turned that into the kind of self hate that prevented me from growing and developing into the woman I have always wanted to be.

 

When i was 8 or 9.

 

YES!
I understand. Hugs

 

Like you I've always known. I've only been attracted to guys, fantasies only about guys, earliest I can remember maybe age 10?

Anyway while I always knew, and had sex with guys in college and afterwards, I didn't want anyone to find out about it, having been bullied in high school, and part of me didn't want to admit it, and wanted to think of myself as bi. So when I fell in love, had good sex, got married to my wife, I could tell myself that. But as Rose 27 says, the heart wants what it wants... and here I am all these years later.

 

When I was 10/11, I fantasized about guys. A moth or so later, I realised I'm gay. ride:

 

I still don't know or I do and am still in denial. I know longer deny an attraction to men but I just go back and fourth between gay and bi in my head.

Denial is such a strong thing...for years I fantasized about gay sex, about men, it occupied the vast majority of my fantasies..I'd have long drawn out fantasies about guys I knew. I'd masterbate then feel guilty/shame and cry and not once do I remember thinking "I'm gay" or even "I'm bi" it was years of this before I even acknowledged it to myself and then it was years of "I'm just curious" and so on and so on. So I can understand how someone could wake up at 50 and the lightbulb goes off...

Even with many younger gay guys that I've talked to (online) many have echoed a sort of "aha" moment at some point...I impatiently wait for that moment where it all becomes crystal clear to me.

 

Looking back I now know that I've known since I was 13 or 14 but it wasn't really any big revelation. I didn't even really know what my feelings were called until one of my friends told me she had a girlfriend when we were 16 and that she was bi. It was more of an, "Oh, huh, I guess that makes sense," moment. As I've gotten older I'm still not exactly sure where I stand (bi vs lesbian) but I'm happy with who I'm with so it really isn't a pressing thing for me to figure out for sure.

 

mmmm I guess i came to know when I was 6 or 7 or something.... Worst thing that made me realize when i was molested by my uncle thrice :'(

 

From my earliest memory of young childhood I have always been a female. So always is my answer. I was about 12 when I first experemented with guys and have only ever been attracted to guys. Never a girl. June is not lesbian and never will be. June

 

Never really had an "aha" moment. Earliest I can remember is having a crush on another guy back in high school. Followed by a pattern of rationalizing those type of thoughts away or just repressing them. I think I just finally hit that point of "enough is enough" recently and that's what prompted me to start the coming out process.

I'm actually a bit surprised at the repression part. Since I've been exploring this part of myself, I've been starting to remember other behaviors from when I was younger - like going into M/M chatrooms on the computer when I was a teenager - that I had completely forgotten about. I guess when our psyches want to bury unwanted thoughts or memories, it does a pretty good damn job! It's fascinating, but also a little distressing.

 

Hey-June its from your posts that I now have a greater understanding of trans women. There was 1 post you wrote that was total Southern Belle w/'tude. Hope thats ok to say.

 

I started fooling around with guys about age 11. Never thought I was gay until about 10 years ago.

A few years into my marriage (so about 26 years old maybe) my guy fantasies and interest really increased. But I thought it was only because my marriage sucked so bad. By the time I divorced, after 20 years of marriage, I thought I was bi.

But yeah, I was always a gay little boy, and looking back I get it. Probably my 6 best school friends ever - we're all gay. None of us knew it then, of course, but even then we were drawn to each other. Fascinating

 

I didn't really start questioning myself until I was 19, and I still don't know what my sexuality is at 21.

 

It was about fifteen years ago when I finally recognized I was gay. Looking back I realize I had crushes on guys at least as early as sixth grade. Most of that time I knew the term gay to be an insult meaning girly, wimp, etc, but not guys who are attracted to other guys. That concept of attraction only involved men and women. That's all I knew existed and assumed I would find a good girl too. I went to a huge college and there was a GLBT club I heard of, but all I thought that meant was guys who dressed in drag and masculine women, so it was more of a transgender thing to me from what I recall. Obviously I was clueless unless I did know more than I remember. Oh well, that's how it was for me.

 

I'm guessing the longer you're in Denial the greater the "aha moment." I seriously did not think I was gay until about 4 months ago and I'm 51. I knew that I watched a lot of male porn, that I went and got erotic male massages and yet my denial was so strong that I never saw it as gay. Years of acting out, wanting to touch and have sex with men and I still couldn't see it for what it was! I just thought it was some weird part of me that I could hide away and control. I think there are a bunch of us out there that repressed this part of us so well that when it finally hits you it's like the biggest AHA ever.
STOICAL brought up remembering things in the past that we repressed. That happens to me all the time now. I once found an x rated gay pulp novel on a railroad track when I was 19. I had forgotten all about it. But I read parts of that book over and over again. Didn't even think of it until after my AHA moment.

 

How long have I "known" :eek:

To be honest, I think I had suspected I wasn't straight .... when I was about 13.

It didn't help things at all when my "favorite" male cousin and my self "kind of... entered an ...how can I phrase this... an "experimental phase" :eek:

It was GREAT (back then).

Now, we go fast forward to "TODAY"

I'm very happily divorced (for the second time no less )

And my afore mentioned cousin is still living with his girl friend of +25 years ..and he absolutely hates it.

We are both in our 50's now, and the only thing that stands in the way of him moving in here with me is ... he smokes. I could tolerate it when I was younger.... but there is no way I could live with that now. (I'm an EX smoker myself ... 18 years smoke free (!))

 

I posted this on another thread:

I came out to a few friends as bi at 15, because even when I recognized I was attracted to women the idea that I didn't HAVE to be attracted to guys just would not register in my head. So I thought of myself as bi, but mostly lived "straight." On some level I don't think I considered myself "good enough" to be an actual lesbian... I don't even know how to explain that.

 

Since I was a child I was always curious about the female body, I don't recall ever really having crushes on my friends though. I've had crushes on boys and still do to this day. Lately men have started to repulse me though and females seem more appealing. Not sure what I am...some kind of bisexual I suppose.