Hi, I have recently decided to refrain from drugs and alcohol. Part of the program that helps you do this encourages honesty. So my problem is I am a man that is married to a woman for the last 23 years and while doing particular drugs came out as a cross-dresser to her but then got carried away with it, so much that she got turned off by it and asked me not to dress around her. So that was 4-5 years ago and I haven't dressed around her since. For awhile I didn't dress either. But came back to it and do it once a week if possible. The thing that I have to be honest with her is I am definitely bisexual. When I first started dressing around her she asked if I was bisexual and I said no. I was scared that she would reject me. The situation that made me realize that I have to be honest with her about being bi is I went out shopping with female clothes under my "normal" clothes and that was all I was going to do. I ended up at a adult video store and went into a video booth that has a "glory hole" and performed oral on one man and recevied anal with another. I also did it unsafely which I know better, but did anyway because it had been a long time since I have sex with men and I guess I'm just really stupid. So I want to tell my wife that I'm bisexual but am scared on her reaction, I really have tried not to dress and not to think about being with men but can't seem to. I am considering therapy but it is really expensive. I am trying to bring my nerve up to tell her but am not sure I can do it. Thanks in advance, Kerri
Hi, I guess that I put a little to much info, My main question is should I tell my wife I am not only a cross dresser but bisexual also? After deigning being one? I am really scared what her reaction will be. Kerri
Well, first things first. Have you been tested since you had unsafe sex? If not, that's definitely the first step. Especially if you're still having sex with your wife. Secondly, what do you want to happen? Do you want to stay married? Do you want to continue cross-dressing while she's not around? (I can't imagine she'd have a problem with that.) Do you want to continue seeing men on the side? (I can imagine she might have a problem with that.) Lex
No I have not been tested, I'm chicken to talk to my own doctor about it and not sure where here in Portland Oregon I could get discretely tested. If I could find someplace that would I will definitely. Yes at this time I do want to stay married, but don't want to live a lie. So I am not sure if it would work out for me to openly have a relationship with my wife and with another guy/guys. Like I have said I have tried to be faithful as I can be. I just get to fantasizing about being with a guy especially when I'm dressed. I am kind of nervous about dressing again as to what happened the last time I dressed. I did not plan on going were I went and doing what I did. As to seeing men on the side it was and is hard to do when "sneaking" around trying not to get caught. I would like to know just one guy I could be safe with and comfortable and stuff I don't need or desire multiple partners. I think that sometimes I'm just too much of a dreamer. Kerri
Have you heard about arrested development brought on by a closeted life? Upon entering the closet development is arrested. When the closet is abandoned development ressumes where it left off. This statement brought that principle to mind. What you think now may not be the same in a day/week/month/year as you move through gay adolescence to gay maturity.
Oh dear God! You must refrain from going into places like that if you arn't going to use condoms at least! Who knows what stds those guys might have! I thought I was bad for doing it unsafely with Mike too quickly, but he was my partner by then. There is a lot worse than HIV out there so he needs to test you for all of it. I think she should know you are bi and let her make the call. After all her health is at risk and she does not even know it. I would think you could find a guy who will play regular with you. Worst case you could try a date line to find a guy wanting FWB. Or advertise for it. Good luck! June
No I have not. I haven't really heard of gay adolescence or gay maturity. Are you saying that I'm not really bisexual, that I'm just a gay adolescent? I've read where some people are of the mind that a bisexual is just a gay person in denial. I'm having a hard time with this but thank everyone for being patient with me as I try to figure out what I really want. One of my problems is that I have been lying for so long I feel bad about it but don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Is that a cop out? Thanks again Kerri ---------- Post added 6th May 2013 at 05:46 PM ---------- Thanks June I will refrain, and hopefully I'm not too late. I feel really stupid about it for sure. I really want to but am very freaked out by what her reaction might be. Also not sure what I really want? does that make sense? If anything it woke me up to at least explore the possibility of coming clean. If I go ahead with telling her then I want to do it right and be prepared to answer her questions about what I really want. Right now, I'm not sure. Thanks Kerri
Hi there and welcome to EC. This statement: leads me to wonder whether you could potentially have issues with sex as well as drugs and alcohol. I'm a recovering sex addict, and the compulsive nature of what you did suggests that this might be a problem for you. Despite not being drunk or on drugs you acted in a way that was counter to what you believe is right and what you had planned on doing. Those are signs for sure. Have you done this on many occassions before? You mention having been with other men before. Was this while you were married? Have you ever cheated with other women, or has it always been with men? Have you shared this with anyone in your drug/alcohol recovery programs? It isn't healthy to keep secrets - as you're learning - and this is a big one. That's another reason why it might be a good idea to look into a sex addiction recovery group. This is somewhere where you'd be able to share this experience and feel less shame or embarassment - because others in the group will be able to relate to your obsessive / compulsive behaviour around sex. Once you've gotten a handle on what's really going on and found some relief from the compulsions, then you should consider telling your wife what's really going on. I can relate to what you're going through - even though cross dressing isn't something I do - so if you want to talk more, either write back here in this thread or reach out to me via a private message - as I'm a member of the staff here like Lex. Again - welcome!
