A few months ago, I read an article that basically said you make all your close friends by your early 20s. I can't remember where I read it, but it was something like an on-line newspaper article. It was not something like a blog written by a mysterious writer, who has page after page of half baked ideas. I've been thinking of that article a lot recently. Mainly because I'm evaluating my situation. I have few friends, and my network of acquaintances has shrunk over the last few years as lives have taken different paths. Now, reading the writing on the wall, it's entirely possible that I'll be totally alone by the end of this year. At least on a local level. Even now, my Facebook account is 2/3 people living elsewhere. (This is not entirely a coming out of the closet issue, but that even, when it happens, may well have a profoundly negative impact.) I am trying to broaden my horizons, and I'm actively trying to meet new people in hopes of reversing several years of decline with my social network. But, thanks to that article I read, I'm wondering if there is any hope for actually having real friends at my point in life. Am I doomed to just acquaintances, or, at best, casual friends? People one knows for the moment, but, as lives change, drift away?
One of my closest friends I only met a couple of years ago. I was in my mid 30s and she in her mid 40s, so it can happen. I tend to think studies like that are focused on married straight people who couple up then cocoon and ignore the rest of the world.
I agree, it is definitely possible to make new friends, later in life. I also agree that the article was written within the hetero world, where indeed, married people withdraw into themselves and exclude everyone else (that is a sad situation and probably a big cause of divorce, as no two people can be everything to each other).
I have some made friends right here on EC. If EC had conventions breaking bread with you would be great! I joined some gay oriented social groups on Meetup and have a friend now in the town I grew up in. Believe me I am like you. I am not a joiner. If there was a rally I would go the other way to avoid traffic. if I can find friends at 55 most anybody can if they try. You are an interesting guy with lots to offer a friend... A gay friend!
I think articles like the one your read are seriously unhelpful. Firstly, the writer or researchers, discuss general trends that can be observed which says nothing about each individual, like yourself. Secondly, I really think we never know what's around the corner and who we may meet, or how we may change. I sympathize with what you're saying because I have encountered a lot of isolation during this coming our phase, despite my marriage. I am trying to push myself to find places to go to meet people but really, don't give up hope; there is not need to.
Some of my closest friends are those I've made in the past 6 - 8 years. And then my newest, closest friends in the past 6 months. You will make friends....
Meh, I remember my orientation to Jr. High, and the principal made the same claim - only it was in your teenage years. Snarky me, I just laughed. So I tend not to put much stock into these sort of things. I can see a certain degree of logic to the claim. "Early 20's" often aligns with graduating college and moving into the "real world." And if you think about it, the college experience just naturally lends itself to this sort of thing (highly social world with similar aged people living together and sharing a common life stage). But people can and do form new friendships over the course of their lives, while also growing apart from people that had once been friends. It's just part of life. I can identify with your situation though. I feel like I'm in a similar boat myself. My social circle has grown smaller over the years due to having withdrawn into myself since leaving college, and in the process having let some of the friendships made there wither away. But I'm not going to give up hope that I can improve things, and I don't want you to do so either. Just keep on persevering.
As long as your door is open it is possible. THe harder part is letting go of those people that no longer align with who you are. But this is the first step in letting in those people to your life who share common interest and similarities to yourself. Make room and something good will come to fill it's place
different experiences for different people I guess. Virtually all of my friends dates from my forties ( except for a small hard core from my thirties) . I am not sure I can think of anyone I still keep in touch with from my twenties. I think an important point to bear in mind is that LGBTTQI ( etc ) folk often go through quite dramatic life changes. This is often a catalyst for moving on from old friends. That is not necessarily because the old ones were homophobic, or slow to accept, but simply a reflection of having less in common with them and more in common with new acquaintances/friends
If it comes down to it just start buying cats. Some days I just want to do that instead of having real friends. It sucks being a loyal subject who thrives off social interaction and wants to make new friends when so many people out there take everyone and every thing for granted. There's always cats though. Unless a cat plague starts... dear jesus...
Try not to let it get you down too much BMC77 ( easier said than done sometimes, I know). I arrived back in New Zealand on my own a few years ago at the end of a 12 + year relationship, and having lived in other countries for several years. When I got back home it literally was almost like starting from scratch. I have been lucky to have discovered the bear community in my home town, and I have made some tremendous new friends in the last 18 months ( as well as rekindling a small number of old friendships). I had to start small, and as I made a couple of new friends, they introduced me to their social circle, and it slowly built up. Having a gay walking group and a gay hiking group also helped. I definitely felt like an outsider for a while, but gradually worked my way in ( and I am actually a pretty shy guy).
It is harder making friends when older. I'm good at chatting at market when I run into school parents or at son's sports events or w/ men but I don't have any girlfriends to hang out with. I never had girly interests (until now ) or into shopping. I never fit into groups at school. I have a couple of 30+ year friends who live in other states from college. My woman best friend knows I was inlove with her in college (we discussed that freshman year) Somehow did not connect being inlove with a woman as gay back then... I was in a store basically surrounded by lesbians last week & found I could not speak. I think a big part of that is no longer putting on the strait show kind of and this sounds aweful -using strait life as a prop to hide behind. Have to learn to talk in "I" instead of "We" .
Rosé, Have you considered not having girlfriends as possibly part of being closeted? If you were hiding your lesbian nature would it be natural to avoid social contact that may make hiding the secret more difficult? I deliberately avoided male friends during my marriage as every guy I befriend ends up gay and that would be problematic if not stressful in a monogamous relationship with my wife.
I am hoping to be able to expand my friends base. I currently have no gay or lesbian friends. I would love to change that
Skiff- Yup. Fell in love w/my best friend in college...We talked about it freshman year but never allowed myself to label those feelings as gay-made excuses. Its easier to make friends w/guys...don't have to avoid....ummm looking at their breasts. ---------- Post added 7th May 2013 at 04:30 AM ---------- Fine- I'll admit it. I love breasts. They are amazing. (random statement by a lesbian insomniac.) Think that was first time I used Lesbian to describe me....I always use gay.)
I think the person who wrote that was probably in their early 20s. I'll admit that my best friends were people I went to university with. But I consider my husband to be my best friend of all - and I met him in my mid 30s. I think if you put yourself 'out there' you'll find others in the same situation.
This is BS. I just made one of the best friends of my life in the last few months. We're both in our 30s. Sometimes people just click. What a weird conclusion by that author!!
