Starting to Freak out

Breathe Girl. Breathe. Sound like me. Yes your doing the right thing. You know you are. Remember you writing something about feeling trapped? Thats not a marriage working. Your kids will be fine.Kids adapt better than grown ups & much quicker. They will have 2 rooms to mess up!Mommy will always be Mommy. They need you. Yes you will find someone who loves you. Your fabulous. Say it to yourself. Own it. Hugs Rose

 

What Rose said. And I think it's much better for kids to have parents who are true to themselves, living authentically, etc. One of my regrets at not having come out earlier is that my kids (now 22 and 19) didn't have that. You're doing the right thing.

 

Yes - that's the hardest conversation to have. It feels like you're ripping the world apart for your kids - the last thing a parent wants to do.

But you're not. You really aren't. Kids adapt. Mine did. It certainly helps if you can maintain a positive relationship with their dad, and if he can maintain a positive attitude towards your orienation.

Are you coming out at the same time? I didn't. We had the divorce talk and left it at that. They were told that the reasons were for grown ups to worry about - and that it had nothing to do with them. They weren't at fault and there wasn't anything they did to cause it, and nothing they could do to stop it either. My kids were 4 and 6 at the time. I didn't come out to them for another 2 years. By that time I was dating my now husband and I felt they were old enough to 'get it'. And they did.

It helped that my ex was very supportive. The way she looked at it she thought that if her daughters were going to have a gay dad that they should be as positive about gay people as possible - so she modeled that. She really is amazing in that respect - so focussed on the wellbeing of our kids. (So I shouldn't be so resentful about how she can afford to go away 4 times a year on vacations with my child support money... oh well.)

It's not the end of the world for anyone. It's the beginning of the next chapter. Good luck!

 

Your kids already sense that things are wrong. The sooner you tell them, the sooner they'll understand the truth and not feel crazy.

Most important thing you can do -- assure them, over and over, that you love them. That their Dad loves them.

And be as clear as you can be about their routine, home, time with each of you, school, friends.

Lastly -- don't confuse them by doing lots of things as a family anymore. Its ok if there's a graduation, birthday, or whatever. But beyond that, the more they see you act as a family, the more they'll think that things might work out.

When I was divorced I got the kids, they were 5 and 13. What made it tougher than it needed to be is that my ex and I barely spoke to each other and when we did, it wasn't very civil.

Now they're 17 & 25. Still living at home with me ;-) . My daughter graduated with honors from a top school last year, will be in grad school this Fall. My son just made Eagle Scout and is a great kid! They see their Mom regularly. She's on husband 3 (I was the first). And now they know their Dad is gay. It seems to be working. They both want to meet my "boyfriend" -- well there isn't one -- there are guys I'm dating, and a few I would bring home, but I don't want to set false expectations with them.

It might occasionally be bumpy -- far better than pretending. Put the kiddos first -- that's hard when you (me!) want to start over, date, etc. But you need to do it.

Hugs!

 

__________________
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." Love that quote; keeps me a bit centered.

Ohana,

My wife and I haven't come up with a plan to tell the kids yet but just thinking about it freaks me out and reduces me to tears. I don't think it's because they'll reject me or be embarrassed; I think what bothers me is the ultimate sadness that the family, as it has been, will change forever. We have always been happy as a family. My wife is a good friend; I just am not sexually attracted to her. I really empathize with what you're going through.

 

Ohana-Countdown to Saturday for me and telling son about divorce and that I'm gay.
The best thing for our kids is for them to see their Moms living in truth because it makes us happier which makes us better moms which makes them happier. Right?! I'm scared but its also a new beginning!
Hugs. Rose

 

I think it definintely depends on the kids' personality whether or not you tell them exactly why you are divorcing. With my oldest son who is 10, I will tell him immediately. I'll take him for a talk with just us two, and I'll talk to him about the whys and the hows. He does not do well with change, but does much better if he understands why things are changing, and what exactly to expect. He needs to know all the technical stuff, including our reason for divorcing. But with my other kids, there is absolutely no reason under the sun for them to deal with my coming out at the same time as the separation. Follow your gut. You'll be fine, and so will they.

 

It's a courageous thing to do telling the kids.

One fear they may have is being ridiculed at school for having a gay parent. It will be important that you convey to them as clearly as possible that you will never let that pass unanswered.

 

Yup.

 

No -Mother's Day will still be special. Probably more so. There is no right time to do this. Telling son I'm gay 1st then w/husband about divorce. I think he will understand. Your daughter will too.

 

I send you both, Ohana and Rose, my best wishes for the best possible outcome!

 

We will be brave. We will be brave....and then go into the bathroom and curl up in fetal position afterwards for a while?!

 

I'm not ready to tell my kids but I think about it all the time. I think my 17 year old son will actually take it better than my 20 year old daughter who tends to get very emotional and hysterical. During Christmas break she sensed something was up and she said to my wife "promise me you and dad will never get a divorce." My wife said " I can't promise that. " I don't now what they think. We're kind of an alternative house. I do the cooking, gardening. My wife is into sports, avid about football and baseball, etc., etc. I feel the honesty and authenticity will ultimately help them but it is a big change.

Ohana,

you are brave and strong! Have a great Mother's Day. Hope you post how it goes ith them.

 

Feel nauseous this am. Think I need to write down what I am going to say.

 

Good idea!

 

Just posted on reg. coming out thread to get advice from our younger friends....just realized its Sat.-There probably all sleeping in....