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Breaking up a serious relationship

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Kyllani, May 8, 2013.

  1. Kyllani

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    I am coming to this forum because I feel you guys can help me out the most, even if I'm a little younger than the "later in life" demographic. I still find it late, as I've a plethora of friends that have been out for a good ten years.

    I'm 27 years old and have identified as bi since my junior year of high school. A couple of years ago, I started questioning my sexuality again. So, after two long years of soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that I am, in fact, a lesbian and not bisexual. At the same time, I also identify as panromantic.

    The thing is, I'm in a relationship with a man. I love him dearly. We've been together for nearly six years now, and he talks about us growing old together. While I love him and could definitely see us old and gray together, my sexual needs aren't being met. We haven't even tried to be intimate in...I guess it's been at least a year now, if not more. Thing is, I don't even want to try. I just don't get anything from sex with men, and believe me I've tried.

    I've always dated men, as my super conservative parents bullied me to a very dark place when I was growing up. I've had a few treasured experiences with women, but it's been years.

    I can definitely grow feelings for men, as I adore my boyfriend. The idea of leaving him breaks my heart...but the idea of never having sex again makes me feel like crap. I've been super depressed, and at times suicidal, over the past few months because I am so very torn and lost in my situation.

    To make matters worse, because of all of this inner turmoil, I failed every one of my courses this semester and set myself back a year in school. So, I'm currently entirely financially dependent on my boyfriend. Get a job, you say? Yeah, I'm trying. Thing is, I was in poor health for a few years due to drugs and couldn't work. When I got better, no one would hire me. That's what going back to college was supposed to help with, but now they're not even sure if I can go back in the fall...so I may have set myself back even further than I think. I am desperately searching for a job, but most people won't even give me the time of day. People are actually really rude to me for "wasting their time" in interviews.

    So, I'm stuck. The idea of breaking up is emotionally fatiguing, and I can't support myself right now. I have only admitted it to my therapist until now, but I'm really ready to just throw in the towel on my life. I can't take feeling like this anymore.

    I don't know what I'm asking. Maybe I just needed to pour this all out and get it out of me before it eats me alive. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
     
  2. arturoenrico

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    Hi Kyllani,

    I am sorry to hear what you're going through. I hope you have someone in your life who you can reach out to right now who can support you. I have struggled immensely with depression since the age of 19. Depression comes in waves and at the darkest moments it's important to remember that the cloud lifts; sometimes it's hard to remember. You sound like a sensitive person who has a lot to offer but your are going through a really tough time. I really love my wife and women have always been my best friends but the heterosexual sex thing doesn't work for me, I'm finally figuring out at age 56. Hang in there! Find someone today who you can lean on.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    I, and we, hear you, loud and clear. While there are no easy solutions to becoming who you are, there is only one thing you need to hang on to:

    NOTHING STAYS THE SAME

    Because all things change, your situation will change too. Now, it could get worse, no doubt, but it might get better...it could start with finding a job at last, even though you've experienced rejection, it is really only a numbers game. Keep going, keep trying, even though you may have a 100 doors slammed in your face, keep faith with yourself and trust that things will change, and for the better, if you keep going in that direction.

    Now, your relationship...does he not need intimacy too? How long has it been for him? He needs someone to love fully and to be loved fully. Your leaving him could be the greatest gift of love that you could give...
     
  4. Kyllani

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    I know things can, and will, change. I'm just so afraid. After having so many of those doors slammed in my face, I have no faith in myself anymore. I'm trying to be positive; I just now applied for two more jobs. I have lowered my standards as far as they will go, because I am so desperate to find work. I just worry it won't happen soon enough. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I feel like a burden, and I know I am.


    You are absolutely right. He deserves far better than I can give him, and I'm probably only hurting him by staying with him. The best thing I could do would be to leave him, but I don't know where to begin.

    I started therapy this week. I was really hopeful that it could help, but I am unsure. The darkness is all-consuming, and I've forgotten that the light even exists. I start a skills group tomorrow, and between that and individual therapy...I hope I can pull myself out of this hole.

    It's just nice to know that you guys are here for me right now. I have so few friends in real life, and the only people I know in town are friends with my boyfriend so it is hard to go to them with my problems. It gets so lonely here in the dark.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    We are here to listen; there are no easy answers, and I can't offer any other than to say that I've lived long enough to be amazed at times how things work themselves out, given enough time...and love (primarily the love you must have for yourself).

    You need to believe that, and I'm glad that you are taking real and concrete steps (therapy, skills group) to making things better.

    Good for you!
     
  6. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Hi-Welcome to EC. In a few months I'll be divorced from my best friend. Its gut wrenching heartbreaking but for me it was the right decision. I can breathe easier most days. Like myself better. Overall happier & calmer. Yes there are meltdown days, days that flatout suck but they are less than they used to be. You need to deside what is best for you.
    Its your choice.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm glad you've found us here.

    What greatwhale has said is true - I would agree. You need to keep at it. I was at a point 6 years ago when I thought all was lost - there was no hope and no point in carrying on. Yet within a year things had turned around completely and I was happier than I had ever been. The same can happen to you - you just can't envision it.

    Glad you're getting some help. You might find that your boyfriend will be supportive of you - and stick with you for the next little while while you're getting yourself set up. He's lived with you for the past year without sex - so he might be OK living with you for another year without sex - but there would be a new openess and honesty between the two of you that would explain the fact you're not being intimate. I'm sure he's a nice guy, and he loves you too, so you might be very surprised as to how he reacts.