I was on the road today and a song came on the radio that I'd heard in a video mashup of the film Beautiful Thing, a sad movie about two gay kids in England (happy ending though). Included in the lyrics (which of course sound much better to the music, so watch the vid): Anyway when the song came on I started crying, and even sobbing at points. Where did that come from? I realized I'm grieving. I'm grieving for the little boy who couldn't be who he really was without getting taunted and bullied and beaten up. I'm grieving for the boy who had to hide himself and pretend to be someone else, who spent so much energy learning the role of straight guy. I'm grieving for the boy who couldn't let anyone know who he really loved, or who he really wanted to love. I'm grieving for the guy who had to hide himself from his friends and family. I'm grieving for the guy who didn't let himself love in an authentic way. I'm grieving for the guy who without intending it destroyed the life of a wonderful, beautiful, loving and caring woman. I'm grieving for kids who lived in a household where one of their parents knew he wasn't in an authentic loving relationship. I'm grieving for the guy who only at the age of 54 is learning what it feels like to be true to himself. For the lost opportunities for authentic, real, deep love. I'm okay, really, but I clearly have some issues to work out still.
[YOUTUBE]0jJWshXqobs[/YOUTUBE] You can check out the full movie on my thread Gay Movie Channel After grieving I found acceptance, when I finally came out to myself, it gets better now
Thanks I'll defly check it out! I'm not grieving for what I lost by coming out. I'm grieving for what I missed by not being true to myself from the very beginning.
Hi, Did you give your wife years of happiness or did you chain her in the basement? We're you a good dad? Don't beat yourself up too much. You are a good man who made a mistake, not a monster. If your wife and kids loved you, you ain't all bad. I bet you are a pretty nice guy all things said and done.
thanks Skiff, yeah I'm a pretty nice guy. And you are right it wasn't all bad, no chains and I was an awesome dad in fact. But still, these are the things that came into my mind as I was driving and crying. ---------- Post added 9th May 2013 at 04:41 PM ---------- {Hugs}
Skiff, don't you think that might be said a little too soon? But lolz anyway, even if you didn't intend it. :roflmao:
Well said, Eddy. I can totally relate. I find myself at times jealous of those younger gay people who are out and living their lives and it's just normal for them and those around them. I'm sad too for the decades of my life that have been lost not being completely who I am. Of course, that's conflicted too with what I did get from those decades...foremost, my kids. But, I get it. Thanks for your post.
Granted I'm younger, and not facing the issues of coming out later in life but I can relate to grieving all the same, (*hug*). It's happened a few times, I was listening to the radio waiting around and this artist (Name alludes me) came up and was talking about the friends he's lost; it just hit me and it hurt you know (I've lost friends, good people). Just stuff like that, it gets to me sometimes. Best of luck to you, we've all just got to keep moving on and dealing with what we've been dealt; grief included.
Thanks everyone! And yeah Ohana, I totally agree about kids, they are the best things I've made in my entire life so I'm not wishing them away. I know it's all water under the bridge and I don't dwell on this and am not obsessed, but today I just grieved and cried, which I think was a good thing. I really appreciate everyone's support. Hugs to all!
I think this is part of the process for those of us who come out later in life. We have missed out on things and have the right/ need to grieve for them. Hang in there. Also keep in mind, that without the path you took - you wouldn't be the man you are today - and do you like him? That's the key - like who you are today!!!! You might not yet, that's ok too but I think this should a goal.
Thanks nydtc, you are right. And I do like that guy!! A lot as it turns out. And it also turns out other guys like this guy too, so I must have gotten something right )
nydtc, we are indeed on the same journey. I relate to everything that you said. The grief is all to familiar. I will walk with you through this grief and it seems that a lot of others will too. Thank you for posting and sharing yourself so freely.
Thanks Eddy, Skiff & Everyone for your contributions I feel empowered just knowing I am not alone in my journey, past and present thoughts and feelings. Finding this site has been the best thing for me. Eddy, Over the years I have had many of those moments when I would cry for many of those same reasons you mentioned, but mostly for not having the strength to be who I really am and the for the possible damage and hurt I might cause to innocent people... my wife and kids, when and if I do come out. I guess in so many ways I have been grieving for years. I had one day this week when the tears would start rolling every time I thought of my wife because I felt so guilty for not being able to be the person she deserves. Skiff & Nydtc, thanks for the reminders... I know I am a good person and have been a great father for my kids, and have tried to be the best husband I can. I know I really need to focus on the good things I have done for my family. You guys are great(*hug*)
EddyG, Thanks for your post. It really touched me. I am exactly in that place of grieving. I'm inspired by those who seem to move on with relative ease and let go of past regrets, but I've had such a hard time with that. It's funny to me that at the age of 56, certain things in my life have become clear as never before. I'm trying to put the puzzle together. It's great to know others are out there with support. ---------- Post added 10th May 2013 at 06:12 PM ---------- LateRobert, Yes, I am a good father and we have had a great family life and I need to hold onto that. Thanks for mentioning it.
