I call this post chapter 1, because I desire the truth of my spirit and genuineness of my soul, to squeeze through my words. If I write it out...I can live it out...RIGHT? Currently I'm out to my wife, we are separated with divorce on the horizon. My three kids do not know. My closest friends know, and they support me. They have kept my secret, but encourage me as much as I will allow them to. It is strange that I am rebuilding a life without my family. It is painful that In one camp, I am rebuilding my life as a straight man. To most of my friends I have become a statistic. Part of the more than 50% of marriages that end in divorce. These friends love me, they encourage me, they pray for me. But in the other camp, I am secretly rebuilding a life as a middle aged gay man. The friends in that comp love me, encourage me, pray for me. ME? or ME? Which one? I am the same physical being. Spiritual, loving, giving, thoughtful, kind, understanding, respectful and grateful are all words I hope my friends and family would use to describe me, but they also describe me! I knew at an early age that I was gay. I didn't look at girls the way that my friends did. I looked at my friends the way that girls did. I knew that, but I knew that it was wrong. I knew that I was broken and I knew that I had to hide for my protection and to stay out of hell. Puberty hit and I began to eat. A fast food restaurant opened in town and I could eat those big hamburgers as much as I wanted. The more I ate, the bigger I grew. The bigger I grew, the less girls wanted to have anything to do with me. This was it! I could hide in here. I could be safe and not have to face or deal with what I knew was wrong. I DID'NT WANT TO BE GAY! I wish that there had been an adult in my life that I could have talked with. Someone to tell me how flawed my thinking was. How destructive it was. How wrong my theology was regarding a Loving God. A God that saw me as a perfect creation. Just one voice speaking to me in love, at the age of 11, could have changed the course of my life. But there was only silence, and so I hid. I watched my friends date. Have relationships. I was the third wheel, the fat guy that friends wanted along on a "group" date. For the girls, I was the brother, there to keep them safe, provide encouragement, laugh at their jokes and to tell my buddies how lucky they were to be with them. For the boys, I was the non-threatening tag along. I used self depreciating humor to keep it light. And as the dates progressed into the night and the couples would begin pairing off and going to their corners, I would sit at the record player and imagine what it would be like to be in that corner. To be embraced, kissed, touched and desired. I imagined and I wept. And then I pushed deeper into my hiding place. I pushed so deep that I lost me and became me.
Hi, Welcome. Right now it may mean little to say "You are among friends", but that will change. So many guys here just like you that relate to and instantly understand your story. Yeah I ate too. I packed on the pounds. I did not do it in my teens to hide though I did it after I married. I am a stress eater. But that changed with my acceptance of what I needed to do and acting on it. I only have an easily amount to lose now. No point blaming others simply accept what is and take action. The only broken part about us is we made a mistake about being open about our sexuality. That compounded bit it is the crux of the matter. You are fixing that mistake. It will help you address the weight. You will be happy with yourself. Stop beating yourself up for you are among people who understand. Again, welcome.
Welcome pnattmbtc, parts of your story are very similar to mine. I don't think we are broken, we just aren't like most people in one part, albeit a really important one, of life. And for that we've been told something's wrong with us, forced to hide and pretend to be straight. But coming out is the first step in realizing that we're okay, we're not broken but rather wonderful loving individuals. This is a good place, jump in and you'll see great people who give great support.
Welcome! Great story -- also very similar to mine. I "covered" my gayness with a love of white bread! Hitting 300 lbs by 18 - that's a sure way to avoid a relationship. It took me almost 20 years to get a grip on my eating - which then left only one "issue". The while being gay thing. I can so relate, right down to the use of humor. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
My wholehearted thanks for your kind words. I feel safe in this place. I feel that this is an opportunity to walk myself through the angst, the pain, the confusion. and the guilt. The fog has begun to rise and with your support and encouragement, I know that those blurry objects I see all around me will begin to come into focus. I look forward to the clarity. I am in transitions, my family is in transition, my friends are in transition, we are all rebuilding, I'm just temporarily lost.
Think of it this way... You are transitioning to the happy healthy man you were intended to be. When you are done you will be swamped in great middle aged guys just like you. That's the plan.
Welcome and thank you for sharing your story...you said it beautifully. I can relate to the food as a way to numb out and become less desirable for the opposite sex. That didn't happen to me in puberty, but during my marriage. I wasn't aware of it at the time, but I look back now and see how it was an attempt at desexualizing myself so hubby wouldn't want me.
Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm glad you've found us. I'm also glad you refer to this as chapter 1. Because it truly is just the beginning. And while things are fuzzy now, they absolutely will become more clear. You'll be amazed at how things will work out in your life. You're on the right path. Good luck, and keep writing. It helps.
