Seems my wife had a big shift in her short term and long term plans for us. When I told her I was gay, she was supportive and we agreed we'd go slow and not make any big changes in our lives until my younger kid starts college in September 2014. Well, today, as I was napping, after making a great homemade brunch for the family and her parents ( with freshly baked blueberry muffins), she moved in on me and told me that the marriage was over. She could no longer live with all of the secrecy and pretension (by the way, she always hides all sorts of things from people, putting on a falsely happy and pleasant persona). She told me she wants to be open with people in her family, a wider circle of friends, and our kids (17 & 20). She said we needed to have a separation etc, I asked if she was telling me I needed to move out or live in the basement. She said she wasn't, not quite yet, but it's on the horizon. I was kind of speechless as I wasn't ready at all for all of these steps so I think I will :help:need a lot of support and advice real soon. :help::help: Thanks to whoever is listening (or reading). Also, anyone who has experience telling young adult kids about their gayness, please feel free to share. Need as much help as I can get, :help::help::icon_conf:icon_conf:icon_conf:
You're wife sounds like my ex-girlfriend. When I told her about my issues she went on a "break" with me and then found another guy that week. We dated for over 2 years and I was completely devastated when that happened. You've definitely got plenty of support here!
This is not surprising, unfortunately. My suggestion to you, after going through this ever so pleasant experience recently, is to find a place of your own as soon as possible (preferably earlier than she expects) and to keep the lawyers out of this as long as possible (i.e. start mediation). Congratulations...you have officially become a guest in your own home and, unfortunately, you will be better able to defend yourself if you are no longer living with her. I know it sounds harsh, but the comfort that you've enjoyed at home is no longer there, and the support from your wife that you were counting on is definitely gone (if it ever was there, judging by your description of her). I wish you the best of luck, her schedule is simply not the same as yours. It will be up to you to take the initiative...do not let her lead the fight or choose the battleground.
Remember the 5 stages (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). She's clearly entering the anger stage now, and that is expected. Remember too that as denial dissipates, her entire world is suddenly different; the person she thought she'd grow old with is no longer her spouse/partner. Hopefully after she has more time to process it, things will get better between you. If she isn't seeing a therapist, you might suggest that she start seeing one, and it also might be good for both of you to see one (not the same one) together. What you're going through sucks, but it's important to be authentic, and authenticity comes with a price. I think you'll find that in the long run, you will get through this and find yourself a whole lot happier. Hopefully she will also.
Hi, Here to support you too. That would be strange if she too gave up her false pretence and started living authentically too. She giving up the false happy face and you giving up the straight act. Should be healthy for both of you.
wow, sorry that dropped like that, but as mentioned above, this is an adjustment to reality in a way. As for kids, I'll be telling mine (22 and 18) in about a week when they're both home, so no advice yet and I'll be interested to hear what other says on this. Big hugs!
I can certainly relate. When I told my wife, we initially decided together to spend a few months working out the details together, then she changed her mind. Before the week was up, I was moving into a different room and was out of the house within a month. Perhaps keeping secrets and keeping up appearances is something she too is trying to stop, as Skiff mentioned. Authentic living is what this journey is about, and when we come out to loved ones, we effectively put them in the closet if we condition it with them keeping it secret.
I appreciate everyone of you and all your different perspectives on this situation. The thing is, I don't want to be treated like the guilty party with my wife as the aggrieved one. Before we were married, I did identify myself as gay, which she knew; we were best friends and she worked hard to bring me over to the straight side. Over the last several years, she knew there was sexual distance. She chose to be with me. She's dependent on me for 10,000 different things. Honestly, I think I'll have an easier time living without her and than she without me. I mean, I take care of the house, etc. am I supposed to do all of these things if I leave? She counts on me for moral and emotional support when she sees her family. I'm not really willing to do that if her thing is I need to be on my way.. sigh........
I hadn't realized that you openly identified as gay before you were married. I acknowledged "homosexual fantasies" to my wife before we got married, because that's as far I was prepared to go in my own mind. Now that I'm openly identifying as gay, it has probably exacerbated some existing tensions in our marriage, but I feel like all I've done is said what we both pretty much already knew. I mean, when I came out I asked her, "Don't you think? Haven't you basically thought that for a while?"
