Maybe not as "out" as I thought I was ?

I'm far from an expert, having just come "out" to my wife not long ago, but it seems to me there are levels of being out: Being out to oneself, that is just admitting that I'm gay; then the question of who else I tell -- just my wife; my wife and some friends, and if so which ones; everyone; etc.

I'm assuming that you are out to yourself as you identify yourself in your profile as gay. Have you told anyone else directly? It seems that you have. That's really all it means, it doesn't mean (I don't think) having to directly engage the topic in every or even any other discussions. Those few friends know and that's my understanding of being out is.

But hopefully other more experienced folks here can chime in on this too.

---------- Post added 12th May 2013 at 04:08 PM ----------

I'm far from an expert, having just come "out" to my wife not long ago, but it seems to me there are levels of being out: Being out to oneself, that is just admitting that I'm gay; then the question of who else I tell -- just my wife; my wife and some friends, and if so which ones; everyone; etc.

I'm assuming that you are out to yourself as you identify yourself in your profile as gay. Have you told anyone else directly? It seems that you have. That's really all it means, it doesn't mean (I don't think) having to directly engage the topic in every or even any other discussions. Those few friends know and that's my understanding of being out is.

But hopefully other more experienced folks here can chime in on this too.

 

I don't believe you're 'permanently damaged" but you should seek help if you're struggling with depression. I must state I have not come out to anyone yet but it's out of fear what family may say not from some internalized homophobia. You say you're a private person, as am I. I sometimes feel by "coming out" that privacy may be shattered. I think it's good you have some you're comfortable with knowing and you should lean on them. I had good advice on here before that coming out is so personal you must be comfortable with it yourself before you can expect others to be comfortable. That's my struggle, not that I'm gay, I've accepted that, but the acceptance of others.

 

I've been suffering with major depression for many, many years which I hide from EVERYBODY!!. I function fine in my job and nobody knows what goes on in my head, i am a great pretender. After years of trying to hide from the truth I've finally accepted it which is a really rough road. For me, I think I need to build up a community of gay people to be part of. I know exactly how you feel, though. Sometimes I resort to isolation because its easier. You have support here.

 

Maybe the depression is not due to being gay directly but is tied to feelings that are connected to being gay. For example if you are connected negatively to being gay has it affected your self worth, made you full of self doubt in other areas?

There is a root cause that possibly springs indirectly from being gay.

 

Well, it certainly sounds like the your headmaster's suicide was deeply traumatic for you. Understandably.

I was going to say much of what skiff did. Being somewhat closeted and depressed may be connected, but it may not be a simple causal relationship. I have suffered from clinical depression for at least 20 years—that was my first major "episode" of being nearly catatonic, could barely function in he world. But I don't think sexual orientation was high on the lists of reasons for it. Sure, unconsciously, it probably took a toll, but I was much more unhappy about my situation professionally.

I'm a rather private person myself, although not quite the "loner" my wife has called me. when I say I'm out to "everybody," I mean that anybody important enough to tell, I have told, or will tell should the occasion arise.

Don't force yourself to be someone you're not. That's the same mistake we make when we pretend to be straight, whether to ourselves or others. There's no officially "correct" way to be gay. The other thing I keep reminding myself is that nobody else cares about this nearly as much as I do. I imagine that some of my friends have had conversations with one another since I came out—"did you hear?" that sort of thing—but it's mostly a one-day story to anyone other than my wife and me. Really.

 

That is absolutely shocking and tragic. Not only for him, or his alleged victims of abuse, but for you as well.

A perfect example of a society dominated by fear of the unusual. Where one's own need for ecstasy is thwarted, it will persist in less desirable forms, and the repercussions of desperate acts can reach into the decades that follow.