Where to begin...40s, kids, decades of marriage, so, so lonely.

:welcome:

 

Hey man, don't let life get you down.. You'll meet someone that you'll love and will love you back, it will just take some time. I mean, besides the being gay part I really can't relate to your story and I can't imagine how hard it must be but now that you're out and accepting who you are soon you'll be feeling 100 times happier. All my life, for as long as I could remember, I've been gay... even if I didn't know what it meant to be gay or to be attracted to people. As of recently, I've started coming out to people... slowly, I'm only out to four of my friends, but it certainly makes me feel better that I can be myself around them. I feel like, once you get out and about and get adjusted to your new life you'll find that you will be living happier because you're now able to be who you are.

 

Hi Runnerrunner. Welcome to EC! Hugs & thanks for sharing your story. Your part of the EC family now.

 

Hi runnerrunner,

Glad you joined EC. I've been on a similar journey to you, married 23 years, 2 kids, etc. just starting the process of rebuilding but I have to say my depression and suicidal thoughts were connected to my denial of my true sexuality. Even though I had "success" passing as straight and having that normal life, I never felt right, always like a fraud. I can't say it's all ok now but I do have some moments of hopefulness. I'm only out to my wife, who has mostly been supportive, and a few close friends, my friends have been great, I'm joining a gay means psychotherapy group tomorrow night. Look for any resources near you, maybe you'd be surprised what you find in Mayberry. Maybe a nearby town? There are many of us out there; we can find each other. Support is key.

 

Welcome to EC Rr,

You have come to the right place.

First of all, if you live in Mayberry, you should remember that Gomer was gay. Which is a way of saying, you're not alone, even if you think you are.

You seem well on your way to a life as someone who knows himself and can see his own worth. That's no small thing.

 

Welcom to EC!!! You will find lots of help here! Allthough I am a trans-woman (I have a man's body) which is diffrent, and being a woman and knowing it all along my story is diffrent but simmular. I am 40 about to be 41 and lived with my first man at 18. At almost 24 I had a wonderfull husband and we lived as a straight traditional married couple (me the housewife) until 26 when he died leaving my life ruiend. Other desasters happened which put me in a shell for over 10 years waiting to die so I could join him thinking love only happens once. When man #4 came along not taking no for a answer and I had 4 years of living hell with him. In year 1 I met his good friend and cousin once and fell in love for the second time Nov 2008. It was my secret and shame. Now fast foward to November 2012, I had been single 13 months in a small town out in the country tring to date, but thinking of him as I had for 4 years. I let 2 good men in for a while to end up backing off because they could not break the spell. At this point I had not lived happy for 16 years and desided to kill myself to end the mysery after answering a chain letter Nov 29 "I still love you" which said your true love would think of you at midnight and a suprise would come at 1pm the next day and a shock at 4:40pm. November 30 2012 5AM I ran a hose from the tailpipe to the interior and started the motor. I waited to die and fell asleep, had a strange experence and woke-up sick. At 1pm he walked up my driveway, and at 4:40 he told me the day he first saw me(love at first sight for both of us) he told his GF I had a nice ass and he did not care how gay it sounded, that Ken was so lucky and had done well for himself by getting a catch like me. I was shocked! He liked me too and I was afraid of nothing all those years of mysery! I will skip to now and we now live as a traditional straight married couple (once again I'm the housewife) and we are extremely in love and happy. So my real happily ever after started at 40 in a small town out in the woods with Mike my partner. I skipped tons of details to keep it short and sweet, but you get the idea.

You can start your happily ever after in your 40's in Mayberry after decades of unhappiness! I did, so get out there and give it a try! June

 

Welcom to EC!!, I'm somewhat new here too, but I'm living something close to what you have gone through. I thought about suicide last January and similar as you my 4 kids were the answer at the question why living. Then I get out of the closet to my wife as a bi (but still questioning if it is more or not) and she is really supportive. I think you are a step further than me, but if your close familly is supportive, try to build on this.

I understand that thinking about the idea of rebuilding all your life makes you feeling bad and I think it is very normal. I don't the size of Mayberry, but I'm living in a small town of about 100000 p. and I discovered that a network is in place to help people to better understand themselves and to try to rebuild their social contact. If such a thing exists where you live, than I think it could be a really good starting point. And here you will find lots of great heart people which are ready to support you.

 

First off, welcome to EC! You have come to the right place amongst our rather fast-growing little sub-community of "later in life" folk!

Many strikingly similar stories here, and many people currently in transition from one life to another.

Before you do anything else, please read the post below from one of the staff members here at EC. It is a long read, but well worth it. Most importantly it talks about your need to first build on your solitude, by that I mean if you are setting out to find a "relationship" you are setting yourself up to either rush things or saying yes to less than appropriate people.

Learn first to be comfortable in your own skin, do new things, become someone who can be even more attractive to potential suitors. Relationships are funny things, sometimes you can put too much effort into them. Now is a terrific opportunity for you to discover new things about yourself, start appreciating solitude for a while (not loneliness).

About the only justification for entering into a relationship is the desire to share the good things that you are or are becoming.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...king-relationship-simpler-than-you-think.html

Happy reading and best of luck!

 

Yes - it's possible. I'm living proof!

Welcome to EC! I'm glad you found us.

If you're already out to your wife and kids, they've been relatively supportive and you're still all getting along, I'd say you're through the worst of it.

I have an advantage over you I suppose, in that I live in Toronto (or at least near Toronto) Canada, the 4th largest city in North America and one that is very gay friendly. You on the other hand live in 'Mayberry', which presumably is much smaller and not necessarily as gay friendly.

In Toronto (and in other major cities) there are support groups for gay dads. Have you looked into anything like that? Is there a PFLAG chapter somewhere near you? You could attend their meeting as well - to at least meet other people who are supportive, even if they're not all going to be gay. There might be gay centered social events, card nights, bowling leagues... where you could meet other gay men. Meeting people in a friendly and casual way is typcially easier to do than trying to meet them in a bar or a club, and it's usually more sincere and meaningful than meeting someone through some kind of cell phone app.

But there is hope. I met my husband only months after I separated from my wife. He was in a similar situation in the process of separating. That was almost 6 years ago. We got married 2 years ago and still can't believe how happy we are with each other. And yes - the sex is great. :icon_wink

 

Wow! Your story could be mine! I understand your loneliness and frustration. I feel all of that too. I am happy to be out....but yet I'm not out. I have had some great opportunities here to talk with some folks that have been where you and I seem to be.They all say it will get better and I have to believe it. You do to. I thought of suicide many times. The shame the embarrassment. You can't let it get you like that. I'm proud of you. The courage to do what we have done no one understands unless they have been through it! Most days I'm numb. A lot of days I am happy and feel great about my life and the opportunities, and then there are days like today, that make me want to to pick up the phone and beg my wife to take me back! It will pass, we will get through it, all of us...together.

 

Runnerrunner-If you had asked me a few months ago if I would be where I'm at this morning emotionally:Happy I would be saying its some far away dream I was not sure I was worthy of. I know there will be ups & downs but now I know what I want is possible.That its ok to dream and hope and be happy.
Hugs-Rose

 

Hi Runner & Welcome to EC.

As you are starting to see, you are far from alone in your story. I so understand where you are coming from as it is all too familiar for me as well.

I am now 53 and am just in the process of coming out to my wife. I wish I had the courage to come out while I was in my 40's. It probably would have stopped me from some many depressing dark periods, and times when I even considered suicide. Like you, the only thing that kept me from doing that was my kids. I love them too much and worried about what having me commit suicide would do to them and worried it was something they might never get over, and might even blame themselves.

You would have made many sacrifices such as I have to keep other people happy, and to live up to others expectations. That is anything but selfish. I think that one day my kids will understand why I have broken up the family unit, and appreciate that I kept it together for as long as I could. No matter what happens, my kids know how much I love them unconditionally.

If you are anything like me, I know that I do not have a choice to stay anymore. I need to go for my sanity as it has gotten to the point that I believe staying much longer will only cause more stress than I am capable of dealing with.. I would also like to see my wife find someone who can love her the way she deserves.

As for meeting someone, I believe there is someone out there for each one of us, but that is where you will need to get out there, join some social groups... learn a new hobby if you have to, just put yourself out there and enjoy the sense of being free to be yourself.

Take care
Robert

 

welcome! Married 26 years, two college aged kids, came out to wife two months ago, best thing I've ever done. It is scary stepping into the unknown and risking so much, but the ability to finally be who I really am is an amazing feeling for me. I also have evolved in my views since coming out and realize I can't stay with my wife, though I want to stay very nearby. This will be a negotiation once we tell the kids over the next week. We'll see.

Anyway as you are seeing this is a very supportive community that's been a great help to me and others. Jump right in!

 

Everyday is hard for me with this transition. I'm not that far along. I'm still married and living at home with my wife and kids. My kids don't know. My wife has gone from supportive to kind of angry and think she is kind of wanting me move on or move out but I get conflicting messages. I'm in a gay men's psychotherapy group which is good but right now I don't have a social group and I'm lonely. It's hard to imagine there is someone out there for me. But, I believe in ittle steps, baby steps. -- just trying to go a little bit forward everyday...