Rough am discussion w/husband. So need hugs. It will be a long long day. Crushed. Devastated. Accused of being happy over all this.
(*hug*)(*hug*) Hugs to you Rose27, It's a rough voyage and I know you have been really brave. I guess your husband has a lot of anger he's spilling out towards you. Happy about all of this? Does he mean happy that you could finally feel strong enough to be yourself? Ok, yes. Happy that you are breaking up the family?, I'm sure no. I met my wife's anger for the first time this weekend and it caught me off guard. After telling me that we were moving slowly, she now wants to tell everyone my news and told me in no uncertain terms that "the marriage is over." Then, I made her Mother's Day dinner. Be strong. (*hug*)(*hug*) More hugs.
We are often in a tough position. For those of us coming out after years of denial or stifling our thoughts and desires, there is going to be a bright side to a very difficult process or transition period. And there's naturally going to be some relief and some anticipation or even excitement to be starting on a new chapter of our lives - one in which we expect we'll be happier than we were in the previous chapter - otherwise why make the change. Then there are our spouses. They've been 'living the dream' as far as they were aware. They were presumably happy in their existence with us, and by coming out we've pulled the rug out from under them. They don't really have anything to look forward to. They haven't felt uncomfortable in their skin. So there really isn't an upside for them. It's difficult to deal with this imbalance. Sometimes it shows up and it isn't evident to us - but it's evident to them. This is what you had thrown in your face. Try to be as understanding as you can be.
Hi Rose, I've been there. Remember for you and me there is an upside to all of this. Of course, it's filled with pain and sadness in regards to ending marriages and changing our kids lives, but ultimately we are finally able to be ourselves which does bring immense joy. I know my husband had difficulty with the fact too that I was celebrated for coming. People said congratulations, they commented in my courage, etc. there was no one celebrating him. And I think for him it was lonely and painful to see joy when he had none. That by no means gives him the right to make you feel guilty. Own your joy. Embrace it! Acknowledge his pain. Accept it. It will all be ok, Rose.
If it could help, I really sympathize with you. Till now, I'm very lucky with my wife reaction, but I know that there is a rocky road in front of me. As Jim and Art said, there are no positive point for them, especially if you had a good relationship before the coming out... Hugs and Hugs...
Don't be crushed. He is correct. He ascribes events as totally negative and your happiness at liberation as incongruous to the negative situation. He cannot empathize or see things beyond his perspective. Ummmmm? What are losing again? I feel happy for you and sad your stbx is so numb. Maybe it is temporary.
Oh God...are you sure he hasn't met my wife? At one point, if I wasn't wearing sackcloth and ashes and wallowing in misery at the thought of leaving the marriage, I was accused of being too happy! Go. Figure.
I'm a simple person & this is all to complicated. I'm just tired. Old habit: The greater the pain the greater the silence. Trying not to do that. Which is why I post so much here. I need to express myself or else I will do the stuff it all down deeper until can't breathe thing. Oh yah that's why I'm coming out at 45.
Rose, I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. Losing someone you love is extremely painful, and it's a struggle to regain your balance and perspective. As others have said, all your husband can see is that his relatively happy life has been thrown into chaos and an uncertain future. He doesn't feel as though a ten-ton weight has been lifted; he feels that you have suddenly put that weight on him. He'll recover and forgive you eventually, but he's bound to feel pretty angry for a while.
Thanks. . I miss my best friend.(Husband) I can't comfort his pain -I am the cause of it. but am happy I can be me-Never had this feeing before.
You're not the cause of his pain. You are who you are and not by some wicked or selfish choice. It can be tough to really understand our own sexuality and how that intersects with people we love, like your husband, and my wife, etc. Also, I do believe that deep down somewhere, he knew this about you. By the way, I'm 56, "It is never too late to be what you might have been."
