I feel like a pilgrim in a strange land. A little more than 5 months ago I finally started to honestly question if I was gay. I was 34 at the time, quietly miserable, terminally single, fully in the closet and full of denial. Then, I became reacquainted with someone that I known from years ago. I instantly felt a deep attraction to him, on both an emotional and physical level, but tried to fight it. Fortunately, I either couldn't fight my feelings for him, or just stopped caring, but I knew I had to find out. So after a month or so of playful banter, I leaned in and kissed him. Everything was magic and I instantly knew that I was gay. I couldn't keep lying to myself. Fast forward... so I have now been dating this man for the last 5 months, have come out to my immediate family and close friends and overall I couldn't be more happy! However, I still feel like a stranger in the LGBT community. I struggle with: Feelings of regret for not coming out sooner Feelings of insecurity with regards to the relationship (this is my first gay relationship and first time I have ever dated anyone, man or woman, for more than 3 months). A sorts of questions of an intimate nature... many that contradict my previous naive idea of what being gay meant. I have so many questions, but don't really know who to ask. Please help!
First, welcome to EC! I'm not sure I can really give good answers for your questions. But in some ways, I'm in a similar situation, which may or may not be comforting. I guess I've been conscious that I'm "not straight" for years, but only recently tried to analyze and accept. I've never had any sort of relationship--for that matter, I've never even had a single date. What has helped me has been being here for a couple of months. I check this forum more than once a day. Sometimes post. Often think. And so I grow, albeit a bit more slowly than I'd like sometimes. Two specific comments about questions you raised: You comment about a previous naive idea of what it is to be gay. You can forget stereotypes. Sometimes they apply to some people. But in the end, gay is just an attraction to the same sex. That's it. You don't need to have fashion sense, or a funny voice, or whatever other stereotype you care to name. Regrets about the past are something I've struggled with. For example, I think given where I am in life, in many ways a relationship with another guy--even a casual one--would have been far more possible 20+ years ago. It's more difficult now, given my life circumstances; maybe even impossible. But the reality is...the past is passed. All I can do is mourn the what might have been, and do the best I can to let it go, and try to find solutions for the problems in the present.
Again, welcome to EC. Everybody has to do this at their own pace. Perhaps the planets might have aligned, and made you realize your sexuality years ago. And maybe you wouldn't have been ready for it. No telling. What matters isn't the past - that's set in stone, done. What matters is the present and the future. And it sounds like right now, things are looking pretty good on that front. Totally understandable. If you learn to ride a bicycle when you're 35, you'll still wobble around and have trouble same as a five-year-old. It's your first time, so you'll need time to sort of find your legs. The main bit of advice I can give here is - communicate. Tell your boyfriend you're going to err on the side of caution, and maybe bring up some stuff that otherwise you'd let slide, simply because you want to make sure you're both on the same page. He should be cool with that. Allow me to simply guess what this might mean. No, not all gay guys like "taking it up the butt". Or, further, not all gay guys like doing anal, in either position. Being gay simply means you enjoy being intimate with guys. And if that means anal, oral, manual, or wrestling each other in a vat of vanilla pudding, it's all good. If I'm off-base here, feel free to state the question fully. You can send me a PM by clicking my name to the left if you'd rather not ask the forum at large. Lex
Newview78 - welcome to EC - the est group of virtual friends you will ever find. You story is very similar to mine, except that I had one long term different sex relationship and I did not know the man whose chance meeting would change my life. But this isn't about me - its about you - you have questions ask away!!! I second everything BMC77 said.
Welcome to EC NewView 78! The annual Wrestling in Vanilla Pudding competition is a fun-filled event here at EC, stay tuned!
Mmmm, I love vanilla pudding... You are not alone, I have regrets about not coming out to myself sooner since I feel like I've missed out on opportunities that could have led to a different life. But you are lucky...your fast forward whipped right passed a lot of people here. We may have to live vicariously through you so keep us informed of your progress in the relationship.
Welcome to EC! Your story seems to be many people's story, including mine. 1. Your feelings of regret will go away. Once you start coming out you realize that everything you feared, wasn't really that scary. Don't worry about time lost, now that you've reached this point in your life, make the most of it. 2. Totally understand the questioning your relationship. My first relationship lasted 1.5 years. Longer then any other one I've ever had. Take it slow and be true and honest with yourself and your bf. 3. Any questions you may have, they can be answered here. You know have a large support group of friends that will not judge you for asking. There's always the anonymous section. Welcome and good luck.
First, by way of introduction, I'm pretty much in the same situation that you are, except that I have no current (or even former) boyfriend (or girlfriend), and the prospects for one seem pretty bleak at this point. Completely natural - I deal with the same thing. As is said downthread, the feelings will pass, though exactly when I'm not sure . Some days are better than others if you know what I mean. I can only imagine what this feels like, because I'm pretty sure that I'm feeling the same thing in trying to find a partner (I have to admit I'm not trying very hard, for fear that I would not be sufficient for any partner I were to find) I'm going to assume that you mean stereotypes here. Some of us fall in line with the stereotypes, and some of us don't. I'm one of the ones that doesn't - which is why I've been able to effectively hide for so long. I've been busy focusing on my career, and making myself successful (which I've been fairly successful at) that I've "had no time" for romantic encounters of any kind - how convenient, right? Well, you've come to the right place. In my experience here, you're among a group of friends that understand you and accept you for who you are. You have forever scarred me, I will never look at vanilla pudding the same again
I won't either. It'll be just as bad as looking at grocery store deli potato salad after hearing the urban legend about the disgruntled deli employee who gets even by masturbating into a tub of potato salad.
