I find reading other posts that maybe I am not in such a rough state as I feel. I am seeing that it could be so much worse. Here is my story as brief as I can put it. All my teenage and college life I dated men, I never understood the big deal about sex. I never understood why so many people wanted it. I married my husband in 1994, we have two kids, moved locations, have good jobs, own a house, to most we have 'idea' marriage. About 5 years ago we became poly when we both fell for the same woman. I had never allowed or explored feelings towards another woman before and I resisted and pushed back against them. Once it happened I knew there and then that something very unexpected happend. Suddenly I had a sex drive, suddenly I got it. All of a sudden I wanted to be in physical contact, I wanted to initiate intimacy, I just simply wanted. This all took me aback. I figured it was just a new and novel experience. Decided I was bisexual and went along with my life. As the months and years passed the thought of having sex with my husband (or any man) has lead to extreme anxiety. The thought of never having sex with a man again simply fills me with relief! I thought that I could live withing the dynamic we had set up but all it was doing was causing more stress. The stress was also being increased by my two partners being far more compatible with each other physically than I was with either of them. This led to me being alone most of the time. Many conversations were had about it but things just did not seem to change so I simply accepted where I was in life and left it. Enter about a month ago . . . . a person entered into my life and ignited something in me that I have not felt in a long time. Terrified me. I decided I could explore these feelings behind my partners backs, squash these feelings down, or I could drop a bomb on my family and tell them how I feel. I chose the bomb. About 10 days ago, on a Friday morning, I let loose a flood of confessions about being sure but unsure about my sexuality. I know what I don't want but, considering I have only had one female experience, not sure what I do want, I also confessed about 8 years worth of stuggles, challenges, fears, and dreams that I have ignored or put aside. Now - what I have is this: - a husband who is still in denial. - a wife who thinks things are fine because she has the correct body parts but there is no connection between us right now - me - totally confused as to what to do. Anyway - that is it in a nutshell
Welcome to EC! I guess my mini-advice would be: give them some time. You had eight years or so to come to grips with these feelings. They've had ten days. Let them chew on it some more. You may need to revisit this soon and re-explain your position. Have you decided whether or not to hook up with this other woman? Lex
I am giving them time - I just feel like I am being stared at and watched all the time - kinda like they are waiting to see what will happen. There will be no 'hook up'. I don't play that game. I have never been unfaithful and I don't plan to be. If I only had a husband the answer would seem so much clearer.
Well, "faithful" has to do with trust. People in open relationships, for instance, aren't "unfaithful" since their partners know what's going on. I'm not suggesting that you SHOULD "hook up", mind you, but neither do I think you should feel constrained by the relationship as it's now being presented to you. Lex
Well - we are not exactly in an open relationship. It is a very closed triangle. My issue is that after dumping all the crap in my head and processing a lot of it I am not sure what I want anymore. I know what I don't want. I am waiting to see what happens. I know that the relationship with my husband is radically changed - that is a given. I have a wife that I should be able to work through a lot of these emotions with but she is simply not the person for that job. They are both holding on so tightly to me that I am struggling to get a glimpse of what there may be for options. I simply want a bit of space and time - they want to give that to me as long as they can be there - which is not giving me space . . . or time. It is all very wacky.
Oh, I didn't mean to suggest your relationship WAS open. I understand that your relationship with your husband isn't the same. It sounds like, sexually at least, it's pretty much dead. You might keep him as a friend, or a chaste partner, but I don't see you suddenly rekindling a sexual fire that apparently was never there to begin with. I guess I'm not sure about why you think the other woman in your triad is somebody you should be able to work through your issue with. Is it because she's also female? Or also gay/bi? Because I just don't see you both being in the same position. She's happy in the relationship as is. You're not. It sounds like her mindset is "well, if you want to cuddle/go-to-bed with a woman, you have me". But that's not how sexuality/romance works. If it did, no straight couple would ever break up. Lex
That seems to be exactly what I read her mind set to be and I want more. I am in the process of trying to communicate this with her. I don't want to just walk out on something that I we have all put time into. I am just struggling with how to reconcile all these feelings. We all live together. It isn't like I can simply stop seeing her. I am trying to be patient as they work through their feelings but it is challenging. It is just complicated.
I am usually very understanding of spouses' feelings here. But this is an exception. Basically, you have been made to feel like a third wheel. Your husband, whom you married first, and the second "wife," who showed later, seem to have squeezed you into a subordinate role in your triangle. FTS! You owe them nothing. Tell them you hope they have a nice life, and then walk away with you partner. And on the way out the door, tell your exes that you will expect one-third of all value held by the estate or marriage, to be delivered to a bank of your choosing. Keep us posted on this as it develops over the next days and weeks. Is your new partner ready for a fight?
