I've been out for 17 years now...I turn 40 this year, and I have never been in a loving, LTR. I just feel so lonely and it's something I say I want, but I don't really work to make it happen. I have a lot of issues with family abuse, hearing disability, and my career and life taking a terrible turn in 2008 and I'm still struggling to fix it. I'm not sure what to do anymore...last year I ended up in the hospital on a particularly bad night. I'm tired of the ageist crap. It seems most guys my age are either looking for someone young and hot, or very well off. I'm neither of these things, though I'm a smart, college educated professional I have made some mistakes along the road that have resulted in my disastrous life in my late 30s. I just wish I knew this was going to get better, but it just hasn't. My sex drive is gone, I don't even think about being with someone...I had a tiny shimmer of something happen in January and then it just disappeared on me. Now I just think I'm going to die in this apartment alone and isolated. I'm going through therapy but my doc has been on a retreat for a while...supposed to see him again next week. This isn't the first time I've gone into therapy, but I just don't know how to be happy anymore. I don't know how to love and feel love. I was abandoned by my family at a young age, and never experienced love in the way that many people do from their parents and families...or maybe I just don't know how to feel it. I just feel empty inside. It's easier for me to just go about my life alone than risk rejection and heartache for yet another person who'll never return the same kind of attention I give them. I want to be done with this.
Hi, Sure hope by "done with this" you mean you were in somebodies arms headed down the road to a LTR. I assume you are in your latter 30's. that is young, don't fool yourself. Lets talk specifics... Specifically what do you do to meet others? Then tell us where it falls apart for you and why? I find little difficulty in meeting people and opening lines of communication. The issue is finding people who are single and emotionally healthy and available. I am not talking about hook-up seekers in bars, or online dating sites or the sex apps that pretend to be dating apps. To me all three of those are failed areas for seeking a LTR. Sure you will hear the odd success story but the odd person gets hit by lightening too. What are you doing to meet people?
Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm glad you've found us here. It sounds to me like you're suffering from depression. (Take it from someone who knows.) And without addressing that, it's unlikely you'll attract a potential partner. You likely feel so bad about yourself and your situation that you are convinced nobody would be interested - and that is always a self fulfilling prophesy. So you need to work on you. I'm glad to hear you've got a therapist appointment coming up. I'm really hope that helps. Not sure what else to tell you, other than to stick with it. Things will turn around if you believe they will. Attitude is important - but difficult to adjust if you're suffering from depression. (Do what I say, not what I do... because I'm struggling at the moment myself with my mood.) If nothing else, you'll find a community here where you should be able to relate and contribute. Welcome!
Welcome! I'd definitely say you're suffering from depression, so it's good you're seeking professional help (but then again, you probably already knew that). I can definitely relate to that empty/hopeless/never-going-to-be-love feeling: When I was in middle school and high school, I struggled with depression and apathy. And in eleventh grade, I was dating this girl. She was sweet and pretty, but I just felt dead; I'd look at her and feel about as much as when I looked at a tree. We ended it after three months, and I chalked it up to not being a good fit. A few months later, I started dating a girl with more passion (and whom I had known for several years). I still felt very little of anything. Towards the end of that relationship, she told me she thought I might just be incapable of falling in love or developing real feelings. And she telling me that didn't even bother me (to illustrate the level of my apathy). After breaking up with her, I started really talking to one of my good friends. I had always thought he looked good, but I didn't feel any sexual feeling for him. We soon realized we had a ton in common, and long story short, we fell in love. I sincerely believed we'd be together forever, but once we moved to college, everything changed. I was in a new setting, didn't know a whole lot of people, and once we met up, I could tell something was wrong. You see, we're also Christian, but he's a Southern Baptist (one of the least tolerant denominations). He told me that we were sinning by being together, and not only did he want to break up with me, he told me that he didn't even want to receive texts from me. I entered a state of such utter detachment, I just didn't know what to do. Everything reminded me of him, and with that reminder, came nearly unbearable pain. So, I turned to alcohol. I'd get completely hammered on weekday afternoons off $10 vodka to try and deal with the pain. It never really worked, but I feel like someone would recognize it for what it was: a cry for help. But no one did. I eventually pulled through it, and since coming out to a few people, I've been happy. As to how I pulled through it, it just takes time. I know it sucks right now, you may think that you're somehow emotionally broken; that you don't understand how anyone with such an absence of emotion could ever love and be loved. I felt that way for years, and love managed to find me. It'll find you too, I promise. I'd agree that most online "dating" sites are just hookup sites, so I'd refrain from putting too much hope in acquiring a LTR that way. Have you looked into gay intramural leagues or other gay social events? It doesn't even have to be LGBT, just find a social group that you enjoy and extend your friend-base from there. If you really feel that you've exhausted all options, then maybe it's time for a change in scenery. Happiness is worth it.
Hi stuckinneutral... Similar boat here. I'm older than you and have also been without LTR. Humans are designed to have LTRs and, without that connection, everything can be an uphill struggle. The only LTR I get is with my neighbour's cat about once every two weeks. My guess is it is depression. Maybe even major depression. I have been fighting the same battle for years. And you need a plan to get out of that dark pit. I am very good at giving advice but do not follow it myself. My issues are hopelessness, isolation, fear of perpetual loneliness and singledom, low esteem ... Workaholism.... mid life crisis (you name it .... I got it). YET.... I also have a reluctance to make the effort to help myself by socialising more, joining activity groups, LGBT groups, widening my social circles.... I actually choose to stay at home watching TV and isolating myself. This is a completely contradictory situation i am working on with my therapist right now. If you can take it from someone like me, my advice is to work with your therapist if you think they are right therapist for you. Work with them to break out of your negative patterns and out of your comfort zone Get good support network around you of friends. Do you have gay men as part of your support network? Exercise, eat well Have you been on anti-depressants ? Keep posting on this site it can be a great way to bounce your thoughts around in a supportive environment. Finally I think Jim1454's comment about the "self fulfilling prophesy"... is spot on. I know how stuck it can all feel. But I hope you will find a way forward with all this. x (*hug*)
