Not really sure where to begin....This may be long, if anyone cares to read, please do. Growing up, there were a few times that I wondered about other boys. But not up until about 12 years ago did I ever act on it. I had a quite a few sexual encounters with a guy I had met on AOL. But after the encounters, I would always feel as though I was doing something wrong. During this time, I had met the woman of my dreams and suppressed all of the feelings towards men. (as much as I could). Now, after 9 years of a wonderful marriage, those feelings are back full force but have never really gone away. Without too much detail, I would fulfill these urges by myself. About a week ago, I became friends with someone that both my wife and I know on Facebook. This guy is openly gay, and is mutual friends with people that we actually know in person. Over the course of this past week, my wife would tease me about being friends with him and so on. Well two nights ago while I was at work and we were talking via text, somethings were said, and more or less, told her that it was always a curiosity of mine. She was thrilled in a sense, said that would be hot for her to do things to me. And that it was new to her and not saying it was a bad thing because our sex life was kinda boring. So she was ready when I got home that night and she did a few things to me and the sex was great. However, next day things changed a little. I had told her in an email, that this is not who I wanted to be and not the man she married. She told me that we will just have to take this one day at a time. Said I cannot deny who I am. But worried that she didn't know if she would be able to be all I wanted to be, but would cross that if we ever got there. Also joking said that if I did leave her it would have to be for a man so that she could be friends with him too. I just don't know what to feel, think, do...... Im so lost. Just feel like there is an elephant in the room now. Please feel free to ask any question or leave any comments... I will answer and respond to any and all. Thanks so much for listening. ;-)
First Welcome to EC, Actually I'm living living something really similar to you (expect that I never experienced with a man, that part only stay at (intense) fantasies level). Your wife, as mine, is really comprehensive and what ever the outcome on the long run, I think you should be grateful about that. Now I guess, it is all about differentiating if you are hiding something to yourself, or if you if you are "only" amplifying your fantasies. I have absolutely no clue how to answer it. If you had real experience with man, I guess it should help you to better understand your feeling? Actually, how is your relation with your wife? I think you should try, if possible, to dissociate the mood of your current relation of the research you need to do inside yourself. Your current relation can be excellent, only ok or bad, but ideally it should have a minimal impact on the result of your search. Some guys did suggest me to see a therapist (which I will do in the next weeks), did you considered it for yourself? Hope you the best,
You will discover that a lot of people here have stories like yours. I thought that my homosexual desires would simply evaporate once I was married, or that they could be "contained." But eventually it drags you down into anxiety and depression. Your wife sounds supportive, at least for now, and that's good. I would suggest both individual therapy for yourself, to try to sort out who you feel you really are, and couples therapy with your wife, if she's willing, so you can work through this together.
So many of us in the same boat. Some still with wives/girlfriends, others on the journey moving on. I'm going to suggest you find a strong support network -- therapist, LGBT group, gay and straight friends, etc to work on who you are. Congratulations on coming out to yourself. It'll all fall into place, though it may be bumpy along the way -- you can create the life that fits who you are.
Came out to my wife after 35 years. Had to make a decision as an open marriage was not an option (nor was cheating again, the reason I came out.) You can live a life of monogamy with your wife. I do now. The key is ope and honest communication, especially about your sexual needs. But ultimately it comes down to what you and your wife can accept. For some, like my marriage, it's monogamy and some porn/fantasies while masturbating. For others it's a fully open marriage where all parties can find their sexual fulfillment elsewhere. And sometimes it's divorce.
At least your wife knows about the elephant. And it sounds like she'll be supportive and helpful through this. And that's awesome. So don't fret too much. Take it a day at a time. Lex
Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place for sure. I strongly recommend finding a counsellor to talk to about all this. This is a big deal, and it helps to have an unbiased professional to talk to and to help you keep things in perspective. They'll help you understand your own feelings about this as well as offer advice as to how to discuss this with your wife in a safe and supportive way. Yes, it's scary. But with some work and some help you can get to the other side of this situation and likely feel much better about yourself than you ever have before. Good luck!
