35, came out to myself, what do I do next?

Breathe!!!! Welcome to EC! Many of us are in various stages of the journey you are beginning.

 

My girlfriend ended her marriage of 18 years and then started dating women. She went full force into embracing the lifestyle so to speak. I do not fit in anywhere it seems. She now has grown kids and I've never had any. You'd think it would have been easier for me but its not.

I have no advice other than it takes time and be gentle with yourself. Some people move more quickly than others. (I'm not one of those.) It's ok.

Best of luck to you!

 

The site you mentioned is not gay-friendly, I believe it can only be used by hetero folks but I could be mistaken. There are plenty of other sites for online dating for gay women though, they are well-known but I won't mention their names for fear of breaking the EC rules, just do some googling.

Also, I'd recommend trying to find lgbt meetups in your area, I've started going to some and the people are always friendly, I think its a great way to meet other gay people. I, like you, didn't have any gay friends and its working out well.

 

I am in a similar situation - you are definately not alone.
Don't rush into it all - be gentle and kind to yourself and your husband.
It is an emotional transition - I as well am at the beginning of it all.
Lots of people here to lean on.

 

While I don't have lots of practical advice that you are asking about, but I can empathize with your situation. Please know that you aren't alone, even when you are feeling isolated and in this seemingly impossible situation. I'm at the beginning stages of trying to figure out how to date women and ending a long term heterosexual relationship- I just tried setting up a profile for dating online, but then got too freaked out because I'm in such a small town and I realized that maybe I'm not totally ready to put my photograph next to my emerging new sexual identity (bisexual, lesbian, who knows ?!)- hope I get there soon! I'm kind of concerned about it, but for the moment I'm just still basking in the relief/amazement that I actually got this far. I hope you find some solace at this point that you are at the beginning of something surely painful but ultimately going to be so worthwhile. It seems important to focus on how to work out the situation with your husband & family- a good therapist is also helpful and might know of resources for you.

And just as an idea, maybe you can try seeking out the gay nightlife scene in a city a little further away from your normal surroundings? I imagine it's not easy to leave your family/commitments, but could be worth pursuing?

Good luck on your path!!

 

Welcome to EC and congratulations on making the first step off coming out to yourself!

I know you're excited, but I think you're jumping the gun a bit by thinking about dating at this point. You are still married and an affair is an affair, even under these circumstances.

I think a good first step would be to find an LGBTQ friendly therapist and start working on a coming out strategy. It's important to do this in a way that you can look back on and be proud of, and a way that will make your relationship with your children and their father as good and strong as possible in the years to come.

So, deep breath and start PLANNING a future, rather than trying to jump into one. (*hug*)

 

Hello OMG,

I want to add my voice to those saying that you are not alone in this. I am in my early 40s, am in my second marriage (although no children), and I am just now being completely honest with myself about what I've really known for years--really, just about my whole life. I came out today to another person for the very first time.

The first thing I can saw is Do Not Give Up. I know it's going to be difficult, but the alternative is living an inauthentic life, something you described as a "death sentence." Your life is precious and valuable, and you deserve to live your truth, even if it takes a little while to get there.

Also, it is almost always the case that what we fear is never as bad as we think it's going to be. We're very good at imagining disastrous outcomes that never actually come to past. Ask yourself, what is it you fear, and how likely is it that that thing will happen?

I also can't second Femmeme's advice about getting a therapist. A thoughtful, caring therapist can work wonders and help you through the rough times and help you see what is on the other side and why it's worth working toward.

Lastly, I can confirm that the dating site you mentioned is not open to the LGBTQ community, although there are several that are. I also agree that breathing, relaxing, and letting things unfold is probably best in the long run. I know you're anxious and excited--I am, too--but don't put the things you love at risk because you were too hasty in your desire to start your new life. Trust that things will unfold the way they need to.

Best of luck to you. Again--you are not alone here.

--Zoe

 

I came across this post and signed up for an account just so i could reply. I'm turning 39 this week, and almost exactly 5 years ago, just on the verge of turning 34, I finally came out to myself. I had known on some level since I was about 19, but I wanted no part of it. So i convinced myself it wasn't real, and I married a man that I loved very genuinely. Unfortunately, I didn't love him the way he deserved to be loved, and although I certainly found him attractive, I was never sexually attracted to him in the way I had been with a few women in my past. (that's not to say that I didn't enjoy sex with him, but my attraction to him was entirely different than it has been with women in my life). We have a daughter who is now 13, and was only 8 at the time. When I finally came to terms with who I was, it took me several months to talk about it with anyone. I was scared and ashamed. But I was also excited. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt anyone, so I kept it to myself. However, after a couple of months, my husband found some writings on my computer and discovered my "secret". A month later I moved out, and five months after that I met my first girlfriend. It didn't take long to realize that I was SO right about my sexuality. The passion and emotional intimacy I had with this woman was like nothing I'd ever experienced. While it did take some time, my ex husband and I finally reached a place where we are no longer at odds. My daughter fully embraces me (at 8 years old, she told me that she didn't care if I was gay, as long as I was happy. it still makes me emotional to remember that moment). It took her a minute, but soon she was as crazy about my first gf as I was, and looked to her as another strong, female role-model. Though that relationship did end after a couple of years, I can't tell you how empowering it's been to be authentic, and how important it was to finally feel the kind of connection that I'd always hoped to find. Even though I was terrified at first, coming out was the best thing that ever happened to me. I no longer feel like I'm carrying around a dirty secret. I have no feelings of shame anymore. I'm completely out to everyone who knows me, and I couldn't feel more comfortable. I want to let you know that this process does get easier. Just take it slow, feel things out, and let life unfold.

As for meeting women, that's a tough one for me. I met my first gf through mutual friends, and I haven't really dated since we broke up. I've recently joined a dating site and have met someone that I'm definitely interested in getting to know better, so I'm sure it can be a viable option. Don't worry too much about that part right now, though. The right woman will come into your life. I'd suggest that for now, you take the time to sort through your feelings, deal with the breakup of your marriage (because even if it was inevitable, it's still a very stressful and difficult thing), and just get to know this part of yourself better. I wouldn't recommend rushing into anything.

 

40 something here and I still have not come out. Do it when it feels right

 

Omg, it's like I'm reading my life story!

---------- Post added 25th May 2013 at 06:36 PM ----------

I completely feel for you, in every way. I am very new to this site, just today in fact. You've come to the right place, I'm sure. Best of luck to you.

 

The thought of staying married to him, now that I know what I want, feels like a death sentence. And I'm hoping that he will learn to forgive me because I am trying to be brave and give us both the chance to find love in the future. I am completely in a "straight" world. Although many of my friends are open-minded, I have no gay friends. I hardly even know gay people. It is so hard to be doing this on my own. I Has anyone been through a similar situation? What steps do you take first?? How do you go about finding love when you have no connection to the gay community? How do you start?
And I don't want to live a lie for my kids.


Hey OMG,

I just wanted to say that your post was very moving to me, I highlighted the comments you made that completely resonate with me. I am going through what you are experiencing right now and it is overwhelming. You are not alone. If there's any LGBT center anywhere near there, go. It is hard to start but once you meet some people who understand what you're giving through, it is a big relief. Anyway, 20 years down the road from you, I wish I had started sooner. I planning on telling my kids very soon.... People are more accepting than you realize. Remember, you're just trying to be who you are.

 

OMG,

As you can see you are not alone. I realized 4 years ago when I suddenly realized I was attracted to a female friend (I was 53 at the time). Joining Empty Closets was my first step to find others, which is difficult because of age. Most clubs in my area are college age kids. I also joined another online group trying to make connections. I am partially out, my son, daughter-in-law, sister and niece and one close friend.

It is my hope that by joining online groups (not dating pages) to meet others in my age group. I am seeing a therapist for depression (nothing to do with my sexuality) so she also knows. The one thing she has said is to look for online sites and or local groups. In short just keep looking. When its time, it will be time.

 

OMG, please don't be disheartened. I was in exactly the same position as you a couple of years ago - still married to a man, with two kids, pretending everything was fine, and feeling like losing a little piece of myself every day. Now I am out to him, separated, and have a wonderful woman in my life. I am really glad (though it's hard) to hear that you have at least managed to separate. Since you have I think you probably need some time to come to terms with it all, don't rush yourself or be hard on yourself.
I guess I just want to say, that it may seem dark, but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there.

 

Wow! I'm in the same situation. Married for 18 years, though & 3 kids. I've only opened up to my therapist. I'm dying to tell someone close to me, just don't have the nerve. The part about you and your husband separating, but can't because of the money situation and the kids, I hear ya on that! I'm just coming to the realization that I'm gay, too. It's very emotional isn't it? I'm so glad to have found this forum. I feel so much better knowing I'm certainly not alone. Good luck to you.