Told Mom - Kaboom!

I suggest you read up some more threads in the LGBT Later In Life sub-forum. You'll quickly realize that you're not the only one going through this, but you'll also see some members who have reached that next stage where they are becoming happier again. GreatWhale comes to mind.

 

Runner,

I've been running away from self since forever. I always knew I was gay but pretended I could hide it somewhere deep inside. I too am married and have a great deal of guilt. The guilt really comes from the fact that I believe I've always deceived my wife to gain the "normal" family I wanted. I knew that I was never sexually attracted to her, although I care about her and love her as a friend. The depression I have been going through can be very severe at times. I've been going to therapy for years, consulting with psychiatrists, trying different meds but nothing has helped. I think this is obviously because nothing could take away the pain I felt until I accepted myself, which is what I fought against so intensely. When I first told my wife, who was not surprised, about a year ago, I wanted us to stay together in the house without a sex life. Well, she doesn't want that and at some point, I don't know when, we will split. At first I dreaded it but now at times I think that maybe it will be a liberation. Something's gotta give. Anyway, it was brave to tell your mother. My mother is not a fundamentalist or even religious person, but I would never tell her, why? I'm not close with her and I have just always hated telling her anything about myself. Also, sadly, she is a depressive herself and I just think it would make her more depressed. Sorry all of this sounds so negative. I think you should try, as I am in the process of doing, to build a network for yourself. I just started a gay men's psychotherapy group last week which I'm hopeful about. I'm also considering joining this group for gay/bi married men. Not sure where you live Runner, but I am just outside of NYC, sothese resources are available. I hope they are for you as well. Take care. Get support wherever you can.

 

I know how you are feeling as far as "how much farther down the shit hole" can I fall!
EVERYDAY there is another obstacle, another finger pointing at me, another fear to face. I am beat down, I am weary, I am lonely, living in a room that I rent from a friend. My life is condensed down to a couple of storage bins and closet of t-shirts. But here I am. Alive, breathing and looking for tomorrow to be a better day.

runnerrunner, I wish that I could hug you..In my darkest hours, I just want to be held. I feel so alone in this, that just a kind arm wrapped around me would give me peace, courage and rest, just long enough for me to catch my breathe

This is a fresh wound. I get it...I was married for over 20 years, and three kids, all of whom are going to college at this time. My wife is devastated, but mending. My kids don't know, although I am sure they suspect. I live in a small town in Texas and as far as I know I'm the only gay man in the town.

I tell you this not to out do your agony but to let you know that you are not alone. EC is a great place to be. I'm new, but so far, I have had nothing but kind words and support from everyone.

I just want you to know that you are not " I'm such a selfish, rotten, cowardly human being? Because I couldn't be honest 30 years ago, I'm in this shitfest. It's all my fault. " We all make choices that we must live with. I own the destruction that I have left in the wake of my coming out to my wife. But I know that she will find someone that will love her completely and wholly as she deserves and in time, when I'm ready, So Will I. I'm still the great dad that I was. I am the friend that I was. I am the community leader that I was. AND SO ARE YOU!

Just breathe. I am learning to love myself. To accept who I am and to say the word "Gay" with acceptance and pride. It wont be this way everyday, and hopefully you will be there for me on those days when I need it..

Keep writing...Keep reaching out to EC members!

 

For all the "running" I've done in my life.....I should be in really good shape!!!
Your not alone. Hugs

 

OK,fundamentalism is tough to beat!!!
Maybe you should just keep talking to her,showing her who you are and that there is nothing wrong with you.
I, myself, am an atheist but always believed in the basic principles of Christianity. Love and compassion. By believing only that i always found people who can't accept homosexuality as hypocrites who don't really believe the teachings of Jesus. Their own God!
But if your mother can be convinced she could be convinced by Matthew Vines. He posted a video on YouTube called " The Gay Debate: The Bible and Homosexuality " in which he tackles all biblical texts from the bible referring to homosexuality. I bet that if your mom watches it,she could change her mind!I certainly have a lot more arguments against homophobic people who are homophobic "because of the bible".
Good Luck.
John.

 

Dear Runnerrunner, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. I hope you can hang in there and get over the worst of this process. (*hug*) I have religious family, but I havent' come out to them so I gotta say you've got way more courage than I do, if that's any consolation. Although I haven't had your experience, I have had stressful problems that seem insurmountable, but eventually they are resolved and I think back and realize I shouldn't have gotten so stressed. I don't mean to trivialize your situation compared to my stuff. I just want you to imagine yourself looking back on this and saying to yourself, "I thought this was the worst thing ever, but I got through it and I'm stronger for it.", and I really hope that for you.

This book is $8 on Amazon and since you're already out maybe get it and see if it can help your mom. It sounds promising.
Author Makes the Christian Case for LGBT Rights | Advocate.com

My other thought is the movie "Prayers for Bobby" Bobby's mom, Mary Griffith, was hardcore religious and she came around. Sadly it took her young son's suicide so maybe your mom should think about that. She better realize how much she's hurting you and that Jesus does not approve of how she's reacting. Her actions lead to all this turmoil you're feeling so it cannot be from a place of love and the true spirit of Jesus. What she is doing is bearing false witness against you, clearly a violation of what Jesus stood for. He would never do or say something to hurt you. Please know that is true and that your mom is wrong. (*hug*)

 

mnguy;

PREACH IT!

It always gets me that "religious people" seem to have their foot on the throat of Christ's teachings.

I am not seeking a debate on scripture, but if you are really following the teachings of Jesus, In my opinion, he at no point said I will love you this far....this much....or until you let me down. Over and over and over Jesus taught that love and compassion for one another was the only way to ever transform into His likeness. We aren't called to believe the same and that's ok...You don't have to believe that I am a gay christian and am indeed a beloved child of God, but you are commanded to love me, and respect me, just as I am commanded to love and respect you...

If I may make a reading suggestion to you...Mel White's Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America. He worked for Jerry Falwell and other well known Christian leaders. His story is at once heartbreaking and inspiring.

Again I thank everyone for their posts....runnerrunner, I hope today has been a day of peace and rest.

 

Selfish? I can't think of anything less Selfish than giving up your life 30 years ago to live the life society says is acceptable. We ave to remember that times have changed ( quickly over the last 10 years or so), its very easy to forget that and blame just ourselves. But we are products of our time and environment, so it too must face some of the blame. I doubt this will help with you mother but I hope you remember it as you are mentally beating yourself up.

 

Self worth is internal. Validation is internal.

Straight or gay, those who tie self worth and self validation to the opinions of others are lifelong unhappy in my opinion.

Anybody who wants you to dance at the end of a string they pull are selfish, worthless individuals.

Place it where it belongs.

 

Okay, this. :lol::lol:


Just think that life is not always leaned on the downside. Someday, somewhere, it will be your turn to be happy. The good thing now is that you have come to admit it.

Do not think that it is all your fault albeit, the society has influenced your actions of not coming out 30 years ago to some degree. And it is tough to come out of the closet 30 years ago(on the '80s?) where people(I believe) are not so accepting as they are now. 30 years ago, people who do not adhere to the society's culture, people who are deviant to the society's culture are shunned, discriminated etc..

I guess that you just have to show that you are still the same person as you were many years ago and that nothing has really changed. I hope you are okay. (*hug*)

 

I have found that the farther I way I get from my initial coming out, the more confident I am. I was stuck in Pentecostalism and was convinced that I didn't like women. Well, every time I walked away from it I was always attracted to women (though I never acted on it). It is such a strong pull to be a part of something. Some people stick with it. I went in and out of it for years because I didn't have the guts to try to make lesbian friends.

I ran into a church member from my former church today. She asked where I was going to church. I told her that I wasn't going to church anywhere. I then told her than I was an out lesbian and didn't like to hear the crap anymore. She thought I was a lesbian because I had "walked away from the Lord". Well, NO! That's not the way it is.

Please know that you are who you are and there will come a time when it does not matter what others think or say. There will be a happy and open time for you. Keep plugging away and look forward to that time.

(*hug*) :icon_bigg

 

Hey Runnerrunner, I'm checking in to see how you're doing. I hope you're well. pnattmbtc reminded me of the wonderful words of Mel White. There is a link on the Soulforce website, but it wasn't working for me so I found the following part 1 on YouTube. Parts 2 and 3 are there as well. It is one of my favorites to suggest to others who are having trouble with Christianity and being gay. Even if you aren't religious anymore, I'm guessing you were raised in such an environment, and your mom is very religious so maybe it can still be of help to you and I hope for her too.
How can I be sure that God loves me, too? - Part one - YouTube

I fully agree with those who said that you're not selfish for wanting to be yourself finally after all those years. I wonder if that's why some people don't like us. They went against their nature and complied with societal expectations and they think everyone else should remain bound as they are. If that's the case, it amounts to jealousy which is a sin. They are jealous of your courage to do what is right and natural for you. I hope you can see that you are brave for coming out and being honest. I have a lot to learn from you and many others on EC. Take care, good sir (*hug*)

 

Mnguy, thank you for the link above to Mel Whites message on "God's love" for me. It is a beautiful message and I needed it yesterday. I know that I am to look within myself for validation and support, but I feel so alone. runnerrunner, how are you doing? I really appreciate all of the posts here, it is my only connection to other LBGT folks. cyberfamily?

 

Let's take that one at a time, shall we?

Selfish? Would that not have been keeping your parents from having grandchildren? Would that not have been cheating on your wife for 30 years, instead of putting up a front for her benefit, and that of your parents?

Rotten? Um, ok, I don't even know what that means, really. I assume you use deodorant, so you're probably ok there.

Cowardly? Criminy man...didn't you just COME OUT TO YOUR MOTHER?? Cowards don't do that kinda shit! They...well...cower...and stuff.

Human being? Don't put yourself d...oh, wait...yeah, ok, I guess you are one of those.

Couldn't be honest 30 years ago? Give yourself a huge break. Did you know 30 years ago? *Really* know? Knew you couldn't live this way for the rest of your life. Maybe you suspected...but I doubt you knew. And even if you "knew"...there's shit I "knew" 30 years ago that I couldn't let myself know I knew. We all come to this in our own time at our own pace. You couldn't be honest 30 years ago because you *couldn't* be honest 30 years ago! At least you're being honest now!! More honest than most people will ever be with themselves!

And finally: it's *all* your fault? Bullshit. It takes two to tango (you have kids, right? you know this). Yes, you did your part by coming out (congratulations on that, btw!)...but your mom's doing her part by freaking the hell out. She could handle this with grace. She could handle this in a loving way. But *she* (not you) has decided to deal with this through drama and silliness that she will eventually regret.

It will get better. Maybe not tomorrow or next week. But it will. I agree with pnatt...breathe; give yourself time; keep breathing; love yourself; and don't forget to breathe. *hugs*

 

sorry to hear about this, it must be very hard for you.

I empathise, my brother, who is also gay, did 'the right thing' about 30 years ago and got married to a woman, and is only now having to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't the right thing for him at all. I would say to you the same thing I say to him. You are not a bad person, you are a person who is stuck in a bad situation. That is a very different thing.

I imagine that at the moment things seem pretty dark, hang on in there, and try not to be too hard on yourself. The choice you made many years ago was based on what you knew ( or thought you knew ) at the time. Many, many men and women have made the same choice over the years, and at that time, in those circumstances, for most of them it seemed to be the only choice. I refuse to believe that you, or they, are bad people based on choices made when painted into a corner. I hope that things get better for you. best wishes.

 

By the way...just reread my post above, and wanted to clarify:

Under "Selfish?" I did not at all mean to imply that *not* having kids and staying in an ultimately unhappy relationship was the only "unselfish" way to go. I meant to add a line or two to complete the thought: at this stage in your mom's denial/anger/depression/acceptance grief cycle, *any* course you would choose would be unacceptable and selfish...aside from perpetuating the lie and sacrificing your life (it's always aggravating to me how we're selfish as long as we pay no heed to our own needs at all, and do everything to continue *their* selfish needs for comfort). But that brings me to....

I also meant to add that her reactions are not about you at all...they are about her. That's taken me longer to learn than it should have. So let her have her stew. If you can find allies in the family, draw strength from them...if not, find them outside the family. DO find support and love, though, because you need it and you're worth it.

 

Hey Runnerrunner, I was checking back to see if you had any updates and I'm really glad to see you post again. I agree 100% that this shouldn't be so difficult and I sure wish it wasn't for you and all the others too. I think we got where we are because we didn't know anything else was really feasible. Take me for example. I'm ten years younger than you, went to a huge liberal university in gay-friendly Minneapolis and still didn't realize I was gay until after college. If I grew up when you did, I would probably be right where you are due to the same pressure you experienced. Each generation has it easier recognizing and accepting being gay, but they still have their stumbling blocks. I'm glad it's easier as time goes on, but I can't help but wish it was easier for me back then too. I guess that's where I'm at and what's stopping me from progressing.

So what's going on with your wife and kids? Forget about your mom for now or tell her off if she's continuing to cause problems. She's not your responsibility. Maybe talking it out here can help.

Please know that you're not the only one going through this and that you can get through it and I hope for the better. I just hope you won't feel alone because there are lots of men and women here finding their way to a better tomorrow too. Lean on us all you want (*hug*)