For those married with kids...

I guess I have to say I'm bi. I think that if I were exclusively gay, I could never have done this. I love women and enjoyed sex with women.

 

I've been married for almost 20 years, the sex was OK, but never more than that (the last 4-5 years were sexless), the relationship was loving, until a certain point, but something was always held back...previous (and relatively rare) relationships with women: the same.

This is where labels get all tricky-dicky and confusing. I was able to have sex with women, the equipment worked, but until I was with a man, I didn't know how intense and mind-blowing the experience of sex could be (and this wasn't just from novelty, it has been consistent). Was I bi? I still don't think so. Could I have sex with women? Yes.

Until I fell in love with a man, I didn't know how deeply I could love. For me, this won't (can't?) happen with a woman to the same degree. Am I bi? Still no.

 

Some of us are bi, some are mostly homosexual (with some attraction to women), others are tops who can generally get it up if they think about the right stuff. fact is there are plenty of straight dudes that can get it up to put it in a guys backside: kind of works the same. If you are a feminine, submissive bottom who generally doesn't use his tool at all....yeh, you will struggle. Not sure why you label yourself as confused though...sounds fairly clear cut to me as to what you are. Note: feeling emotional closeness to your bestest female friends and sharing all your secrets doesnt make you straight or bi-or anything close.

---------- Post added 22nd May 2013 at 12:59 AM ----------

If I go on a date with a guy and he says he has never had sex with a woman, that will be pretty much our last date. I could not think of a relationship with a guy who is heterosexually a virgin. Totally grosses me out. Being able to have sex with a woman is a sign of masculinity and I really need that in a guy. I realise that wasn't very PC but that is how I feel.

 

I am not bi, and am only attracted to guys. I was never able to get it up when I was with a woman. But then I met a woman I really liked, I wasn't ready to admit I was gay, I was 24 and somehow it worked. Sex was good (though as greatwhale says nothing like the mindblowing sex with guys) and I could tell myself I was bi. This worked well for the first 12 years or so, two kids, sex was good. After that not so much. We've been married 25 years, I just came out and we're going to split up.

How did I have sex if I'm not attracted to women? I really liked my girlfriend / wife, the sex was good not so much because I was turned on by a female body but because having sex felt really good and I really liked her, and I wasn't ready to admit that I was gay. But then reality hit about 15 years ago, many many years of no sex or bad sex, and here I am.

I did convince myself I wasn't gay but bisexual while we were having sex, but in reality I've never ever fantasized about women, not once, only guys, and I have absolutely no interest in having sex of any kind with women. I finally at one point gave up that ruse and admitted to myself I am gay, not bi. Interestingly the guys I've had sex with (apart from the anonymous hook ups at gay bars before I met my wife) have all been married to women at one point or another.

 

I mimic greatwhale and EddyG... I am 100% gay. I find nothing physically interesting about woman.

I never performed orally for my wife and did not allow my wife too either. That was too close to my core to share with her. Sex was basic and pragmatic. With men it is fantastic and mutual pleasure paramount, but I doubt my wife ever reached orgasm and it was not important to me.

That is why leaving her after 21 years. I loved her but I was cheating both of us.

 

For me was an emotional attraction to husband rather than physical thing. He is my best friend so sex was not as fullfilling for me but it made him happy. I gave it my all physically but my mind was always wandering....I realized that was as bad as cheating in a way. I had to admit to myself that to continue was lying to someone I call my best friend.

 

Orientation and performance don't always mesh. Which adds a lot of confusion to an already confusing situation. Our bodies and our bodies natural responses to things don't always match up to our minds. Even with victims of rape from both sexes their is often physical pleasure which adds to the trauma of the event and the overall feeling of it.

 

One more thing: It's very very good that you no longer want to do that. That is what I did and it was such a mistake -- though I absolutely love my kids and they do make at least those first 12 years worth it from my perspective, and I would never wish I didn't have them as they are among the best things in my life. But the devastation and toll it takes on you for all those closeted years, and on your spouse, both when you are closeted and when it eventually comes out, and it does, in some form or another, is awful. So I think you've made the right choice.

 

I have learned a lot about myself since joining this site, and one thing is that I am not that dissimilar to a lot of guys here in many ways.

I have been married for over 24 years. I have never ever lusted after a woman, though I have many men. We had two kids, and up until 7 years ago had a regular sex life. Sometimes it was hard to perform as my heart was not in it. I can honestly say a nice looking woman has never ever turned me on, ye the sight of a nice looking man gets me going every time.

The first time I kissed a man, I thought wow, I did not know it would feel so great to kiss someone, then sex with a guy is simply amazing, yet with a woman I never really enjoyed the act.

I would definitely put myself down as 100% gay

Robert

 

Married for twenty four years. No kids. I define as totally gay. Had sex until about eight years ago and then it just stopped. We had good sex and I enjoyed it, but when I was having sex I was mostly thinking about some cute guy I knew or saw on TV. It worked. As others have said, sex with a guy was totally over the top in comparison.

 

Hi Hitch, my experience is very similar to Skiff and Greatwhale. Married for 23 years, 4 (awesome) kids. Part of my confusion and delusion (new Punk band name?) was that I had never wanted to be with a girl/woman. My married sex life was mostly strained. I worried about about it constantly, and worry makes sex difficult. I got the magic pills, which had no effect at all. THAT was scary. I got magic herbs which helped a little, but the stress was dibilitating. I saw a doctor, had my testosterone checked, twice! Levels were fine. I saw a therapist for depression and marriage counseling. Basically I began blaming her for my disfunction. At this point I haven't had sex for five years. When that began it was a blessing because she started leaving me alone. I didn't miss it at all. Now, however I think I'm about to die, and hearing how different and "mind blowing" sex with a guy is makes me even crazier. Ugh, can't wait. :tears:

So, yes IT can be done, but it tended to be rather mechanical. "Just get it in" I used to think. I feel terrible about this now as it really wasn't fair to her. I don't see myself as Bi at all as I've never been interested in girls.

 

From my side, married for 15 years, 4 kids, I still have sex with my wife. I never been turned on by another girl after our wedding while I'm regularly turn on by thinking about other guys, and hearing how you all categorized your sex experience with another man won't help me .
I think our sex life is good, at least she really enjoyed it and on my side, as I lost my virginity with her it is a bit hard to compared but at least it is better than my left hand...

I don't categorized myself as 100% gay, and I think that having sex with someone you truly loved is possible what ever the sex of that person.

 

Hitch,

I decided at some point I wanted to do the straight life, even though I knew I was gay. It is a terrible deception to oneself and ones wife. How did it work sexually? It's a mystery but if you're mentally fantasizing about someone else, which I was, and there is stimulation, the machinery does work. Of course, as some of the guys already said, we're not talking about blockbuster sex. I do love women, but not sexually. In high school and into my20's, I was asexual. It's deep repression and over time, you break down; it's unnatural. Try to find out who you really are and what you really want sexually; it's all in there somewhere but may take some digging.

 

I married later in life, and was a virgin at the time we married. I was not aware of my sexuality, in all honesty, the thought of sex scared me, I had held everything in so long.
I expected that it would be all that people said it was, but even on the wedding night, while I was excited and aroused going in to it, I could not keep it up, or figure out how to do it. I thought it was lack of experience, and we kept trying, with little success. One of the few times we got lucky (which I also think was the time we tried it from behind) we were successful, and had a child. I love being a dad. We tried having another, but I found that sex was harder and harder for me each time. I wanted to be able to - I love my wife, still do- I wanted more than anything to be fully present to her in this way. I just couldn't. And I felt sadder each time we tried, and eventually we both gave up. Although neither of us said it, or even talked about it. We just stopped. Around that time, I began asking myself why, and as I opened myself to the question, I became aware of how imam attracted to men, and would fantasize about them. In truth, that was there, in the background, i wouldn't allow myself to acknowledge it. Once I did, I started to be at peace.

I came out to her a month ago. I couldn't bear the thought of her feeling like it was her fault, when she tried so hard to make it work. We both tried really hard. In the lat weeks, I have been bargaining,with her, and myself, thinking that if I could just accept who I am, I might be able to find a way to perform as a husband. Ultimately, this sounds,like the kind of wishful thinking that kept me blind to the truth for so long,and continuing to hold on to that dream is just doing what I have always done, diminish myself, and diminish her.

I realized today that even if I could perform, and even though I am a man and she is a woman, it would not be the same as sex between a heterosexual couple. It would mean both of us trying to fit into a situation neither of us was born to be in. I am struggling to accept that I really am different.

I talked to a friend yesterday, who has been out for many years and is now married to a wonderful man. At one point he said with glee, "I love sex". It gave me hope to hear that. I hope some day I will be able to say I love sex. I hope some day, that I can give myself wholeheartedly, with my mind, emotions, and body to another person. In all of the years I covers my feelings and desires, I felt totally disconnected from my body, and felt that it was bad. Today, as the reality of it all sinks in, I do not feel my body is bad. I am becoming less afraid of my body, and my feelings and desires.

 

Im not married and I dont have kids....im 17 and im gay.when I was younger I was dreaming to marry a girl.I wasent atrachted to girls but I thought that I have to do it.....now I realize that I will never do that! I am gay and I WILL marry a man , I dont want marry a woman and lie to her and destroy her life.I want to be with the person wich I love.I dont want to please anyone or make my family happy and marry a woman.I love my family but its my life.....I know it doesnt really fit with the thread but I just wanted to said it...I dont want to offend anyone

 

Ok, so this thread has been resurrected today and it's a really interesting one. For me I found my wife to be a gentle, kind and attractive girl. We've been through a lot together over the years and I was sexually attracted to her, BUT I also liked guys. Their bodies, their smell, their voices, all turned me on. Like EddyG the sex was real because I had a connection with her, I loved (still love) her and it was a natural part of life to have sex with her. But at the same time, I felt massive guilt for fantasising about guys, stealing looks in the local swimming pool, locker room, or guys I worked with.

Then finally, after kids arrived and life should've been settling down for all of us, BAM! I meet a guy that triggers feelings that I'd only ever imagined I could feel. The fantasising about having a man lust after me, and everything that would bring, as well as having a man intimately care about me and possibly love me, became very, very real. It's at that moment that I realised that the guilt I felt and the erosion of sexual desire I'd experienced for my wife over the previous couple of years was something real and it wouldn't go away.

When you have that kind of realisation, it's like a bomb going off. It destroys what you think are your norms and the nicely crafted structure you build up around yourself to convince yourself that everything is 'normal' and you're totally happy and fulfilled. The thing as well is, you can't rebuild it in the shape it was before.

Suddenly, the fantasy of having sex with a man - a man! - who wants to be with you and may actually love you, is real. And you love it. It's suddenly what you realise is making you happy again. You don't feel guilt any more. You don't feel guilt for turning your head to look at a hot guy walking past in the street. And that liberation feels incredible.