So I am in my mid 30s and just recently came out because I met someone and we instantly started dating. The relationship is great and we have been dating now for 6 months. Because of him and our relationship, I was finally able to come out to parents, immediate family and close friends. He knows in a general way that this is new for me, but I feel like I should tell him exactly how new it all is. However, I am part ashamed and part embarrassed that I waited so long to come out. I also regret that I waited so long and missed out on years of my life trying to be something I wasn't. He has been out since college (about decade). My fears are that once he knows exactly how recent my coming out has been, that he’ll think my feelings for him aren’t real, or maybe not as strong as they really are. Also, how do I tell him? I don’t want there to be anything between us, and I feel like the longer I wait to tell him the harder it will be. Has anyone else faced this?
Congratulations on coming out ride: I was a bit confused by what you are saying, you seem worried about him thinking that your relationship is real & then you sound like you want to end the relationship yourself Or do you mean that you want to be in a relationship with him, but not in a sexual way?
What you're feeling is normal and natural for someone just coming out later in life. It's still not completely comfortable for you and so the sense that you're somehow less than ideal because you didn't come out earlier is impacting how you view yourself. The reality is, I can't imagine that your being honest with him would in any diminish his caring for you, or his faith in your relationship; on the contrary, I would think he'll consider it that much more special since it's because of him that you're telling everyone. It's definitely true that the longer you wait... the harder it is. So I think you could just say something like "I wanted you to know that this is all newer to me than I might have indicated. You're actually my first boyfriend and I feel really, really lucky to be in this relationship with you, because it's this relationship that helped me to come out to everyone else." That instantly conveys your caring for him AND that he's helped you come out. I think you'll be surprised how much of a non-issue this is once you do it.
I don't know if this will make you feel any better...but there are people coming out even later than you in life. I'm a bit older than you, and I have some of the same feelings. Regrets about lost years. And also, in my case, a pessimism about the future. I honestly wonder if my only chance at a relationship would have been as a young man. But...the past has passed. There is nothing we can do but live in the now, and do the best job of living in the now that we can do.
Also, how do I tell him? I don’t want there to be anything between us, and I feel like the longer I wait to tell him the harder it will be. Excuse my misunderstanding, being Dyslexic I don't always read things properly Do you mean that you don't want there to be any secrets between you, such as how long you have been out?
Thank you so much Chip! I will definitely take your advice! My boyfriend and I had a number of heart-to-heart talks, all of which have had a very positive outcome, but for some reason this one thing has remained hard for me to talk about with him. ---------- Post added 22nd May 2013 at 11:42 AM ---------- No worries Dublin, but you are correct in that I don't want how long I have been out (only 6 months), or the fact that this is my first gay relationship to be a secret from my boyfriend.
yeah I wish I'd come out in my mid-30s! I just came out a couple of months ago... If you've been dating 6 months I can't imagine that telling him about how long you waited to come out would matter at all -- and if it did, is this someone you'd really want to be with? As for how, I think Chip's advice above is a good way to go.
Welcome to EC! I agree with Chip. You've made amazing progress with all the coming out and I congratulate you for that. That's exactly what I've always wanted to happen to me so I gotta ask, how did you meet your bf? I'm happy for you, but at the same time pissed I have yet to find that :icon_wink But yea, your bf should be honored that your relationship helped you make that final step to come out so you two can have the best relationship possible. Your relationship was so important that you didn't want to sneak around to be with him, which is awesome. As mentioned, bring it up sooner rather than later. When you two are hanging out, tell him how lucky you feel to be with him and that you were just waiting for the right guy who made the risk of coming out worth it. You can do it. Let us know how it goes.
Thanks everyone! The opportunity presented itself yesterday afternoon as we were preparing dinner for some friends. Of course, he was touched when I told him! He is an amazing guy! Funny story on how we had met, we had worked together years ago when we were younger, but never thought of each other in that way. Then, recently we became reacquainted after years apart and just fell into love. I was always told that I'd find love when I wasn't looking for it... boy were they right!
