I became a bilateral above knee amputee in the summer of 2011 after a traumatic car accident. It's taken a lot of rehab to get back to feeling "normal" again, but I know I'll never be normal again. I used to be an avid runner and was training for my 2nd half-marathon when I had the accident. My legs were pretty much everything to me. I swim regularly now. My concern is that no one will ever want to be with me because I'm missing both my legs. Everyone tells me that it's the mind that matters which I agree with. I just feel like I wouldn't have as much to offer the other person physically. Also, if I were to date someone long-term there's the whole logistics of dealing with a double amputee. I'm somewhat limited in my mobility. I have awesome prosthetic legs, but some terrain I have difficulty with. I think if I were to sleep with someone (I mean the actual sleep) it would be awkward for them. I don't think I would let someone see me w/out my prosthetics, either.
(*hug*)Welcome to EC RunnerSR20 You will find the right guy that will see you for the awesome guy you are! Be patient! Most of us are single and lonely too. We are insecure. We support each other 'cause at EC were a family! (&&&)
First, welcome to EC! As for your situation... For many of us--including me--what matters in a relationship is what the person is like as a person. Yes, there are guys out there who are shallow enough to care about physical perfection. But, frankly, that's often all they care about, and they'll only be around a short time until they get bored and find a new hot guy.
Hey Runner, Your posting caught my eye - kinda like catching your reflection in a mirror. A few years back I had cancer treatment and developed pretty bad neuropathy in both my legs, leaving me w/o the strong legs I once had, walking with a limp and a cane - sometimes two. I've been in a longstanding marriage with a woman, but my new station in life is problematic - including living with an incurable form of blood cancer. I recently relapsed and was treated again. The past year was challenging, but now I'm on my way back to recovery. I also swim for therapy - and work out regularly - but my legs are pretty crappy - along with this little ongoing background noise of cancer. My marriage has gone through the ringer - and us with it. There's no physical intimacy anymore - not due to my part. I still have a strong sex drive and ability and crave intimacy, both physical and emotional - but it's not available at home. I made the decision to be celibate [wasn't hard to arrive at that decision! haha], but it's only a default setting as I dont want to continue to approach her and be rejected. So I fantasize -- and when I do think of a future possibility - I look at myself with my lousy self-image and think, "who in their right mind would want to sign up for this?" I know that's whacked thinking, but it is what it is. And it's complicated. I hear you and feel i understand somewhat what you're saying. Someone from the world of disability that I found helpful was Mark O'Brien, a disabled journalist/poet who wrote a book called "How I Became a Human Being" - there's also an academy award winning documentary on him called "Breathing Lessons" and more recently the mainstream flick "The Sessions". Disabled people also have desire for intimacy and expression - and our opportunities can be reduced, but there are plenty of folks with disabilities who are involved in intimate, rewarding relationships -- at least that's what he tells me and what I believe to be true - but then there's those voices in my head saying, "You've got to be kidding! Who the hell do you think's gonna sign up for this?" I don't have anything more to offer other than to say you're not alone. I can attest. And if there's you and me -- well, there has to be a few thousand of us in a world of 7 billion - regular, normal men and women who also have the addition of physical challenge. But we're also proactive people. We're working with what we've been handed. Meanwhile, this celibacy thing - not a place I ever imagined I'd be in. I have history with both men and women in my younger years - and although hetero-married and having had family - at this point I'd be open to anyone of either gender who was interested. But I ain't pushing it either. Trying to use this 'celibate' period fruitfully - to take a good look at myself, to question myself and what I want. At 58 and in my final chapters, sex would be wonderful, but it isn't the be-all, end-all. I'll survive without it, although not my first choice. but you're a very young man still. You deserve to be loved, held and appreciated for WHO you are, not what parts are missing. I believe we have to find our own worth first. When we know we are worthy of love and intimacy, we'll be willing to run the risk of revealing our vulnerability - a necessity for anything truly intimate. Good luck, Runner, and be patient and kind to yourself. You are worthy. So am I. Let's start from there and see what we can grow from that ground. Take care, brother.
Only those who are extremely shallow would see a leg amputation as a problem... and they aren't worth your time. Personally it doesn't bother me at all. A lot of people have dealt with feelings of insecurity, unattractiveness, including myself. No matter how you may feel, there is someone out there. There was for me. So keep your head up, do what you want, pursue something that interests you. Also, I think the fact you said "awesome prosthetics" is a great attitude. People like those who are comfortable with themselves!
Another thought... I have lived with the practical realities of disability. My mother, at the end of her life, had significant issues which made mobility difficult. Her walking range was seriously limited, and she needed a wheel chair for any real distance in public. Despite this, she was able to lead a surprisingly normal life. If we went out someplace, it was much the same experience as it had been before her disability. The important parts, in fact, were the same. We both liked browsing a certain bookstore, for example. It was pretty much the same as it had been before--the only difference was she browsed sitting in a wheel chair. And it was not at all hard for me to adapt so I could help her. It became pretty much second nature within a very short time. I think if you find the right guy, you'll have the same experience. He'll learn quickly how to adapt where needed. It'll become not a big deal.
Tbh I really don't think you have anything to worry about in terms of attractiveness, at least based on your avatar pic. :icon_wink When people are deciding whether they find you attractive or not, they're going to be looking at your face and maybe your upper body like in that pic. If they find you attractive based on having a pretty face, they're not going to suddenly find you unattractive because of being a leg amputee unless they're just assholes. Everyone has at least one thing they fear will make them unattractive; while your case might be somewhat unique, your amputee status would only be a dealbreaker to a very small minority of people, and you wouldn't want to be with them anyway.
Welcome to EC RunnerSR20, Looking at your profile and reading your post, I see a beautiful person who happens to have a disability. A story: President Theodore Roosevelt, who was himself confined to a wheelchair due to polio, understood something profound about the people he hired to be his advisors and staff members. He insisted that each one of them had to have gone through some personal ordeal, failure, or tragedy. He felt that he couldn't trust anyone who had no idea how bad things can get. You must have had to summon some deep reserves of courage to endure what you have endured; that changes someone profoundly and, I believe, makes for a more compassionate and patient person. Judging from your photographs, you are a physically attractive person. But your attractiveness goes beyond your looks. I suspect that, with this accident, you've been given the chance to show the world what you're made of, and anyone worth anything will see the person of character that you have become and find that desirable.
Trust me when I say you will be loved. We tend to want things NOW, and life works on it's own timeline though! Back in the mid 90's I met one of the sexiest men who lost his legs and it did not cause him any problem getting a date. Us girls just adored him! He had his blown off in Operation Desert Storm. He used to turn me on and I sure wanted him, but he did not want June. We were good friends and he did not let it effect his life any more than the physical aspect because he had lost them completely gone. The girls he would date would go nuts over him and a few would boast what a man he was in bed. So get out there and date until the right man comes along, and treat him like you should and enjoy life. I had to wait till 40 to get the right man for me. I went through pleanty of jerks, Aholes, and creeps before getting my prince. Now he is not perfect and hurts me from time to time, but he loves me and I him and that is all that counts in my book. You will get yours! June
What an incredible story! You are such a brave, strong person. I work as medical/grief counselor. I recently finished up an internship at a major hospital where I worked with people with rare forms of aggressive cancer, many times the treatments included risky debilitating surgeries or amputations. There is so much change, grief and loss when this happens. Firstly, you are right- you will never feel "normal" again. As you get more comfortable with your new body you will create a new normal for yourself that you will find comfort and strength in. Have you considered joining amputee support groups? I know that some of the men I worked with really benefited from them. They are there for emotional support but also provide practical tips/advice to make getting around a little easier. Have you also considered going to counseling? I know that there is still stigma about counseling in the LGBT community, but many of the people I worked with really thrived after seeing a counselor. If nothing else, seeing a counselor gives you the opportunity to vent without automatically hearing "stop feeling sorry for yourself". Sometimes I like to think of going to counseling as a safe place to get really pissed off. Also, you are right about people being shallow. You know it because you've lived it. You've had people stare at you, whisper behind your back or make very uneducated comments in front of you. I worked with one woman who was very physically active like you (she was also a double amputee like you) who needed to park in a handicap spot to go to the grocery while she was getting used to a new set of prosthetic legs. Within a minute of getting out of the car another woman chastised her, saying that she was not handicap and was too lazy to park and walk like everyone else (the woman had been wearing long pants so you could not see her prosthetics). Needless to say the woman got very angry, "flashed" her new prosthetics at the rude woman in the parking lot, and likely would have become violent if her friend had not pulled her aside. I'm not sure if that story relates to you or not, but I hope that it gave you something to think over. And you are right that the gay community does value beauty, and that you are probably going to get rejected by a lot of people who would have been very attracted to you before the accident. Like others have said, these people are not worth your time- however that doesn't make it less frustrating to you. There will be plenty of people attracted to you, and plenty of people who are willing to work with you and help you navigate your new body during all kinds of physical activities. I wish you all the best as you begin to work out what's best for you, and I know you can find a fulfilling relationship.
Runner, I feel for you. I'm a runner too and have actually thought of how my life would change if I were injured in the way you were. I admire those who have suffered and have come back in tremendous ways, they are true heroes to me. I'm thinking of Matt Long, Kyle Maynard and Oscar Pistorious (all hot by the way). Though Kyle and Oscar weren't injured, I'm sure the challenge of overcoming such obstacles must have been tremendous. As for the attractive or not question, I personally, would not be affected. If I fell in love with a guy whether he had complete legs or not would not disturb me, and I don't think I'd be freaked out in bed either. It seems easy to me to separate the injury from the person. I wish you the best as you adapt and grow into your new body. Your "bio" states that you're looking for preppy friends, well I'll go you one better, I'm a preppy runner who would be proud to be your friend. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, I'd love to run with you.
Thanks for the comments. I guess you all are right--it will weed out all the people not worth dating. The past year and half I was just focused on rehabilitation and now that I'm feeling like I did before the accident, I'm thinking about dating now. As if I wasn't insecure before the amputations now I'm even more insecure. I'll keep what you all said in mind next time I'm feeling unworthy.
Hey runnerSR20, I was really touched by your post and all of the beautiful, kind, supportive and wise responses you received by EC members. It is clear to me that you possess great strength and have a shining soul. You may be physically changed forever but you have so much to offer to people. Be patient, people who get to know you will cherish you; whoever you end up with will be a lucky guy.
I have run three half-marathons recreationally and can only imagine how hard it must be for you to lose something you loved with a passion. My only advice is to keep going forward and focus on yourself. Study for your Law School Admission Test, go to law school, be the best you can be. The rest will fall in place, someday, somehow. At least that's my philosophy. Just remember we are all broken in different ways; some show it more than others, but we all face challenges, trials, and tribulations. BTW, you look like an attractive guy and based on your post, an attractive guy with a great personality :icon_wink.
