monster

so yes I'm finding out that because I lied for all these years, because I stayed married even after I felt it was over and didn't tell her that, since we had two small children, because I never told my wife I was attracted to guys and had had sex with guys, I am a kind of moral monster.

I am being expected to do more than just apologize. I am not sure what else I am expected to do, I'm supposed to figure that out on my own, and since I don't know I clearly need some very deep therapy. Plus I haven't kept it in my pants since coming out and that shows I am heartless and without remorse. Or something.

So anyway yeah I feel bad and I know I messed up someone's life, and maybe I am a moral monster because I can't really think of what else I should be doing other than expressing sorrow. I can't fake feelings I don't have, I've moved into the guestroom, have gone on dates but not talked about them, have promised to make things right financially, but I guess I'm missing something...

 

Thanks greatwhale, I needed to hear that. I know I'm not a moral monster but I'm wondering, what else can I do. She seems to think there are some very significant things I should be doing but since I don't really know what they possibly could be, I am damaged and repressed and need to see a real therapist who will get that out of me. Sorry but as pointed out above, I have been thinking about this for years and I have arrived at a sense of what I've done to her and my own feelings about it that are not new, while for her it's all very new.

And while she acknowledges that I also suffered and went through bad stuff, nevertheless the fact that I destroyed her life and she finds herself now at 55 alone is my doing and I need to somehow make amends.

As for "knowing" I have to say that I pretty successfully came up with good reasons for why I didn't want sex for years, was cranky, etc. I don't want to blame her for not knowing -- though I do ask myself that -- because she did put up with a lot and was very loyal and loving despite what she thought was just my moodiness and depression.

At this point I do feel like I'd be willing to sign over everything -- house, my retirement accounts, everything -- just to be get this whole thing over with. But she accused me of seeing this as nothing more than a business transaction... can't win here. So what else can I do?

 

Yeah actually that does sound right...

---------- Post added 23rd May 2013 at 08:28 PM ----------

thanks allnewtome.

---------- Post added 23rd May 2013 at 08:31 PM ----------

yeah I am, and I take deep breaths and even though I feel like I want to move out tomorrow (instead of waiting till end of the summer), I try to keep it in perspective. Thanks bingostring, the slack is being cut!

 

Yeah that's what I'm getting, but also still from my wife, though she doesn't harp on it at all and wants to maintain a good relationship. And I am also really very happy and like you wish I'd done it years ago.

---------- Post added 24th May 2013 at 07:26 AM ----------

well the moral monster thing is mostly about me not telling her that I was gay and not telling her that I wasn't really in love with her the past 15 years, maybe moreso than that I'd had sex with a couple of friends over the course of our marriage. We did talk nonstop for the first 6 weeks pretty much every night, a lot of it was just me talking about my past, feelings, etc. and she was supportive. We've also read a ton of stuff. But more recently she's realizing that I am indeed going to leave and it really is over, that I'm seeing guys (I haven't said anything directly) and that I really haven't been happy in our relationship for at least the past 15 years but that I didn't tell her that (But I have to say it should have been very obvious from my behavior)... So she doesn't berate me very often but when she does what I know is that this is what she is really feeling. And there's nothing I can do.

 

Yes it really did! But that doesn't seem to be enough, and if I say that, I'm accused of just using my oppression as an excuse to make me not feel guilty about what I did to her. But for me that is the story, it made sense then, at the time I felt it was the right thing to do -- very similar to you, little kids, we worked well together as parents, etc.

Of course in retrospect it doesn't make sense. The thing I feared the most -- people finding out I'm gay -- has turned out to be not at all a big deal for people I've told, including my parents which was pretty surprising. The problem was I had no one to talk to about any of this at all so it was all an internal conversation which skewed me off into a path of unreality in a way. Well, here I am and I'm so glad I finally did come out and despite the wreckage I can't imagine doing anything else at this point.

 

(*hug*)

 

and thanks everyone for the support. i'm feeling kind of lonely at home these days and this has been great.

 

very true. But I'm realizing, and I've said to my daughter and wife and sister and mother, that there is absolutely no way they can ever understand where I'm coming from; and I believe that.

So at this point I am resigned to condemnations but I also don't care. I am not going to self-flagellate. I am moving on. Which is why it's so important to have support from guys in this same situation, and why this place and all of you are such a f'ing awesome support resource!!