Feel Hopeless and lost

Welcome to EC Hopelesslylost. Lots of us here have very similar stories. We are at various stages of coming out to family, friends, the world AND are married to or recently divorced from opposite sex spouses.
Hugs!

 

Hi there, it sounds like things are pretty tough for you at the moment, and I am sorry to hear that.

I wish I could give you some answers, but each person is different, so the answers for each person are different. However, I am sure you will find some ideas on this site that may help you find your own answers.

you have a lot of things on your plate, and with it all running around inside your head it is easy to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes just typing things out, or talking to someone, helps move some of the stuff out and clears some head space ( even if just for the short term) so that you can think more clearly because you have fewer things competing for space.

Joining this site is a big step, and perhaps seeing some things that have worked for people in similar situations ( or even just realising that there are a LOT of people out there who are in similar situations) will help as well.

I feel for you, while I am not in a similar position, my older brother is currently going through a lot of the things you are, and I know that sometimes he also feels hopelessly lost.

We are here for each other, and this is a safe place, so my advice ( and I am not a big one for giving advice) is that this is an excellent place to relieve some of the pressure. Allow the stuff in your head to come out here. No one here knows you in person, so this place is an excellent safety valve for people under too much pressure. Maybe if you can release some of that it will put you in a better position to deal with one problem, and then another, instead of facing so many at once that you don't know where to start.

Have you checked whether there are any free LGBT counselling services in your area ? For some people actually being able to say things out loud is also a big release of pressure.

Each of us has our own journey, but many are travelling down the same road as you though they may be in different places along that road. Be kind to yourself ( not always easy, I know) and good luck for the road ahead.

 

I can't say it any better than Gaysibling.

Have a plan, do things in sequence, and do them. But do realize that you will be ending a relationship that is unfair to her. If you love her as you say you do, then ending it is the best and most loving thing you can do for her.

The kids; that's a hard one, but you aren't divorcing them, or just abandoning them, it will be up to you to maintain a strong and consistent relationship after the split.

Finally, your lover. He also will have to make some decisions, it would be the worst thing possible if you make a move and he doesn't, or wants to but changes his mind (although his kids are older, it is easier for him). You also have to consider that your relationship with him is presently one of shadows and secrets. Are you confident that it can survive the light of day?

Again, one thing at a time...

 

Greatwhale is right, each person's situation is different, but I'd say, based on my situation and experience, that the sooner the better. I never came out earlier out of fear of the same kinds of things you are expressing. But in retrospect I so wish I had, things would have been much better, I would have still had great relations with my kids, my wife wouldn't be at the age of 54 facing a future of being alone, and while I at that time did not have a love interest, it would have at least opened the door for me.

But yes, think this through, have a plan, but the bottom line is that it is better to be open and honest with your wife now than to wait any longer.

 

Like EddyG, I feel like I waited way too long. I'm sorry to say this but you won't be happy if you stay in the marriage and it is not good for anyone, your kids included, for you to continue living in an inauthentic way. As Greatwhale said, make a plan. Everything happens in steps. You need support. Also, your decision to come out should be not depend on what your lover will choose to do. They are connected but separate issues. I am going through this now and it is terribly painful but I was I think even more miserable before I made this decision. I am trying to get lots of support. I don't now where you live hooefully its someplace where you can but join a group or find a LGBT therapist. It will help and come here to EC;everyone is understanding and supportive.

 

I just now joined here because I read this post and felt like I was reading my own story (minus the kids...we have cats). My wife filed for divorce yesterday and I'm just beside myself...knowing how much I hurt her. It is so nice to just know we aren't alone in this. Hang in there!

-RM70

 

Welcome aboard Rocketman70, I hope that this site is helpful to you.

 

Everyone's situation is different, as has already been stated many times in this thread. However, I have a few thoughts that could be helpful.

First, if you love your wife as you say you do, you MUST end this, for her. It's not fair for her to be in a committed relationship with someone who is incapable of loving her back in the way that she needs to be loved. I'm certain that you love her, just not in the way that she needs.

Second, as for your kids - you're not deserting them or abandoning them, as has already been said. If anything, coming out to them could make your relationship your kids STRONGER. I know that this is hard to see right now, but they grew up in a different society than we did, one that is much more tolerant than the world that we grew up in (and I'm not sure how old you are, but you can see my age over on the left, and I've seen many changes even in those short years )

Third, at some point you have to think about your own happiness, and your own mental well-being. This is very clearly weighing heavily on you right now. Think about how much simpler life will be once you're honest and authentic with yourself and those around you. I'm still working on this one myself, but I can certainly see the light at the end of the tunnel here