I have been married for 14 years to an amazing husband but I think I am gay. He is my best friend and can't imagine my life without him. But, I am not sexually attracted to him at all. I am thinking of talking to my therapist about this, but I'm very nervous. I'm come close to telling her, but chicken out each time. I just want to tell someone though! The reason I'm reluctant to tell her is I feel there is no solution to my problem. I don't want to leave my husband. I can't really act on my feelings. It would just be nice to talk to someone. Even though she is a lesbian, I'm worried that she will still think I'm weird. What should I say?
Consider this I don't know what your solution is but talking about it to the therapist may help you find some clarity of thought. I am not saying the therapist will tell you what to do but they may be able to help you discover options you may not have seen before. At the very least it may be a cathartic experience Good luck Foxface
Yes, you should definitely tell your therapist. If you can't do it verbally, like the last reply suggests, write her a note or print this. I have been going to a therapist for the sole purpose of coming out to somebody. For three months I chickened out each time before saying it. After coming out, I felt a thousand times better. Before coming out, going to therapy was pointless and a waste of my time and money. Also, what is the worst that can happen? By law she can't tell anybody. Additionally, your therapist is a lesbian and will be very accepting(she knows how it feels). If you don't like what happens after coming out to her, you don't have to go back! You will feel much better after talking about it. Best of luck!
Hey momof3, Don't jump ahead of yourself...talking to your therapist is safe. You have no obligation to take any action.. Just look at it as clarifying your thoughts and feelings. Holding them gets toxic. Believe me your therapist has heard lots of stuff you probably couldn't imagine. If she's just basically decent, she won't judge you in anyway.
What I may say, may go against the usual norm, but take your therapists words with a grain of salt in these kinds of cases. Let's just say my family and my personal history has led us to meet some very questionable and downright bad therapists in our time and I'll tell you this, not once I have I ever found a therapist, know what they're talking about (Mine tried to tell me Asexuality does not exist... Dude, WHAT?). Not saying you shouldn't do it by all means, I'm saying you should take note that only you can dictate your sexuality and know who you really are, other people will slander and make claims for a bunch of reasons, but there are quite a few people who do not go into the usual norm of what people call gay or lesbian. As for your issue, tell me this; has this lack of sexual attraction happen recently or has it always been like this? Is there something wrong within your marriage? Are you depressed in any way? Do you have any sexual attraction towards women at all and have none for men what so ever? Once you answer these questions in your head, I'll believe you'll have your answer.
Hello Mom, Unknown has a good point, but if you've been going to your therapist for a while and you trust her, then I think you'll find that opening up to her is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Maybe my experience will help: I'm 42. I'm on my second marriage. I've been married for two year to a high school sweetheart I reconnected with. He believes I am the love of his life and pined for me during the years we were separated (his friends have told me stories...) No kids from either marriage. I've known my whole life that I'm gay, but have been repressing and ignoring those feelings for various reasons at various times of my life. I've come to a point where it's no longer possible for me to do so. Nor do I want to anymore. I want to live an authentic life, and at 42 it's about damn time. My husband and I are having problems in our marriage (actually not due to my sexuality, although certainly exacerbated by it). We were seeing a marriage counselor until we were "fired." Part of me was really glad. Therapy was going no where, in part (and honestly, only in part) because I knew what part of the problem was--my sexuality. I simply wan't interested in sex with him, and you can imagine how that added fuel to the fire. But the worst part was, I was lying to him and to our therapist about it. As BK says, going to therapy without allowing yourself to be completely honest is a waste of time and money. And you're essentially hindering the therapist's ability to help you. And any good therapist will have a genuine interest in helping you. I was seeing a therapist on my own for different reasons and one day, I just got tired of lying to everyone, myself in included. I had never admitted my sexuality to anyone--including myself. But it was time and I knew it was safe to tell her. So at the next appointment, before I could chicken out and before the conversation went in another direction, I sat down and said, "I want to talk about something different today. It's very difficult for me to say. I've never told anyone, and I'm not sure how to say it. So I'm just going to say it and then we can talk about it. I'm gay." Yes, it was difficult. But it turned out to be no big deal as far as her reaction went. She was, as I expected, warm and accepting and really helped me talk through my feelings and we began to talk about the impact of this news on my marriage. I left feeling like I had an ally in the world. My situation is different from yours in that I want to leave my marriage, for this and other reasons. But I agree with Arturo--one step at a time here. If you want to tell your therapist, tell her and I guarantee she'll work with you to sort this out. She's a lesbian herself, and her experience may prove to be extraordinarily helpful. And, as others have mentioned, if you can't bring yourself to say it out loud, write it down and hand it to her at the beginning of the session. Or email her ahead of time and tell her you'll want to talk about when you meet. Remember--there is no right or wrong way to do this. Do what feels right and is comfortable for you. If she treats your horribly? (Which I don't think she will.) Walk out and don't return. Find a new therapists. But I'll bet that doesn't happen. Oh, did I mention all of this happened less than a week ago? I'm right there with you, honey. I hope all of our advice has helped. Write back and let us know your thoughts and how things are going. --Zoe
Wow, thanks everyone for the support! I sent her a short text because I tend to clam up when I talk to her. I trust her and she is a good therapist. I've seen some crappy therapists in my life, so I know how that goes! I'm fortunate in that she is good at listening to me. I'm still nervous though!
I know there are bad therapists out there just like there are bad cooks, doctors, lawyers, writers, teachers, politicians, carpenters- you name it....But, I know a lot of people in the mental health field and I believe most of them are genuine in wanting to help and usually have the skills to facilitate someone clarifying their own thoughts through their supporters and perspective. Therapy is supposed to be healing; it's not necessarily a place to get advice. Of course, if you don't feel connected to your therapist, she may not be right for you. I'm sure if you come out to her, she can and will give you support. I have a therapist I am very attached to who made some big mistakes in his work with me. I was going to leave but we had a very open discussion about this and his was able to own some of his mistakes. Also, I am a difficult person, particularly in therapy, where I evade the truth and try to constantly muddy the waters. So, he knows me well, I trust him and he fucked up but then he owned it and maybe, just maybe, this is a healing process because he was so honest and has stuck with impossible me.
Momof3 we don't know you or why you think you are a lesbian. So, this is me just saying. You say you have a lesbian therapist. You absolutely should discuss this subject with her, but whats going on with you might be transference. Women have more fluid sexuality than men and it's not that unusual for straight women to sometimes feel attracted to a woman or women. You could be experiencing an erotic transference where you have sexual feelings for your therapist (actually very normal), or where you want to become your therapist. This is actually a great good thing as these feelings can be channeled into learning more about yourself. A good therapist will guide you through this. When I was 30 and living as a lesbian I started seeing a straight woman therapist to whom I developed a powerful attraction that was extremely erotic. During that time I started dating a man who had long had an interest in me, and I found myself strongly attracted to him. The man and I began a sexual relationship that surprised me in its intensity (because I had been with men before women and generally found my feelings for women were much more powerful). We even started talking about marriage, but I broke it off for other reasons - mostly that I felt marriage would be a mistake. After that I dated a few men, and started thinking that maybe in therapy I was actually becoming straight. What I eventually came to realize was that my feelings for my therapist were very complicated, not only were they highly erotically charged, but I deeply wanted to indentify with her, and she was heterosexual. It took a few years, but I ultimately came to a deeper understanding and acceptance of my sexuality.
It is true that the transference can be very complicated and include an erotic element. And a straight person seeing a same-sex therapist can certainly freak out over unconscious homoerotic fantasies. But I'm assuming from what momof3 said that there was more going on here than that. Momof3: did your belief that you might be gay emerge from therapy? Had you previously been sexually attracted to men? To women? Those things are certainly relevant.
Sounds so familiar. I had a great therapist once, but he left the field to go into educational administration after earning another degree. I was hoping to get back on with him in recent years, and found out he was no longer practicing. I also had a therapist I thought I liked. He was well traveled, very educated, and even witty. He was a cool looking guy and I thought he was progressive. The fact that he got married in serial fashion didn't concern me. I sort of got used to going to him. When I did get to nerve to discuss my sexual experiences, it didn't shock him, but the relationship went downhill. I suspected he was bi/homophobic, or if not phobic, he was condescending, in that he was superior in his lifestyle, though all his marriages were messy. In hindsight, I played back the mental tape of several comments he made and they were snide. I don't think he was in it to help people. If a person goes into therapy for mostly sexual issues, the single most important thing is how the therapist deals with sexual issues, for which more specific training might be needed. Also, they should have no set formula for how they deal with sexual issues, since most people all have different situations and have to integrate their sexuality into their lives differently. That's what I've seen.
People actually should shop around and find a good fit. It is a intensely personal situation so it's not just about the persons qualifications, there has to be the possibility of a bond and trust. Sometimes people can't, of course, because of the restrictions of their insurance companies (don't get me started on insurance companies). I think momof3 said she is questioning her sexuality.
