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Does this sound like you?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by EllieAugust, May 26, 2013.

  1. EllieAugust

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    Hi,

    I have written a few posts about my situation already, and was told to try this forum even though I am only 22. I will try to keep it a bit short, but obviously there are many nuances to every story!

    I am a person who struggles with anxiety and depression: not necessarily as a result of my situation, but it can't help! I have always kind of felt like a lesbian, but that has always scared the shit out of me. My attraction to women is always accompanied with anxiety about my arousal. I feel too anxious to ever take it far sexually with a woman, and don't feel like it is really what I want, despite my body's physical response. I am also rarely romantically attracted to women, and have a hard time picturing a long-term future with one. This, of course, could be due to denial, fear, and repression.

    Anyway, I have always dated men and am dating one now, but am obsessed with fears about being a lesbian. I love my boyfriend and would like to some day marry him, but have told him I cannot because I am too unsure of myself and worry about ruining his future with some day coming to terms (or never coming to terms!) with being a lesbian. Basically I want someone better for him than I can currently be. That said, I am aroused by him, and enjoy sex, but think it would probably be more exciting with a woman. I am trying to keep an open mind and figure this out, but the situation is very challenging and it leads me to feel depressed. Whenever I come out as a lesbian I regret it and change to bisexual because I do have feelings for men (maybe just less strong sexually). Does this sound familiar? Am I bisexual or just in denial? Will I ever feel settled? I know marriage would be irresponsible at this stage, but might it always feel that way?? Also any tips on managing uncertainty without letting it get you down?

    Thanks for your input!

    Ellie-
     
  2. eburian

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    I feel this way too and I'm 24.

    In the past before college, I got crushes on boys. I remember though being in middle school and girls were talking about sexual attraction and I didn't feel like I could be with a guy sexually. I remember even being younger and telling my mom that I didn't want to have sex that way but have test tube babies. (lol). It wasn't until college I fell head over heals for this girl. Even so in grad school, I started to crush on another girl and acted nervous and took me forever to talk to her. Since then, I'm not even sure I get crushes on guys the way I do on women.

    I came out as bi and got rejected by some of my family. My mom is a little more accepting now but I still feel I have to hide it even though every part of that experience in college was completely real for me. I feel like part of the reason I feel so confused and maybe can't accept myself is because I had to repress my feelings for so long because the girl from college was straight and the other one had a bf.

    I've thought about seeing a counselor and talking about the situation because I tend to question my sexuality a lot now. I even have dreams I am with women and recently had a really sexual dream with a woman.

    My friend tells me she thinks I'm a lesbian but I tell her well how come I can get emotionally but not very physically attracted to guys. Even so all the time I growing up I was always attracted to that first, the emotional vrs. the physical attraction and I always wondered why.

    I have tried dating some guys but most of them were pity dates. My first relationship was very physical and I felt I had no emotional connection with the guy. Even so my guyfriend asked me out. I feel bad because I keep saying no even though I feel emotionally vrs. physically attracted. Even if I was physically attracted.. this happens to me a lot when dating guys I...
    a. push it away when I assume they want something serious
    b. am not into them at all so I leave
    c. feel like I'm not going to feel mutually the same way so I leave
    d. Just get turned off because the sex part scares me and I'm worried I'll get pressured into it.

    ---------- Post added 26th May 2013 at 06:39 PM ----------

    It sounds to me like you are in a somewhat similar situation and are letting you're anxiety get the best of you. I've learned I've felt 100% better about my whole self when I do some exercise whether that be moderate- intense. Then a/g I haven't exercised in a week. (haha). You may want to try hot yoga though. It's amazing! The more I read other people's stories the more I realize we, as lgbt ppl, really repress or deny a lot of our feelings so much in our lives that it becomes such a habit to question everything.

    To me, you sound bi. You don't mind the physical-ness with a guy but seem more drawn to women emotionally and seem anxious about admitting it to your boyfriend. The best thing that's helped me in my own sexuality is "sexuality is fluid". Just because society feels we have to label ourselves doesn't mean we necessarily have to.

    I know your anxiety though. When I'm around my guyfriends and told them about my sexuality, they demanded me to explain it to them and in some ways I just didn't know how to because well, I'm still trying to come to terms with it.
     
  3. EllieAugust

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    Nice to meet you eburian! It really does feel nice to hear of people in similar situations. Wouldn't life be so much more simple if we DID just have test tube babies all the time?? I am sorry your family wasn't super accepting at first but it sounds like you have a good attitude. I super appreciate your feedback.... I also hate labels and am just sticking mostly with "queer" because I know I don't fit the norm but Fuck You if you really need to know more. I am just concerned about the long-term implications of being confused. I wonder if I will ever find it "fair" to commit to one person (especially a straight man if I never experiment with any girls).

    Keep the dialogue going eburian! Best of luck.

    - ellie
     
  4. eburian

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    most definitely, glad to meet you too! :slight_smile:

    Best you luck. Let me know how your situation goes.

    -Erika