Married, but miserable...

Hello DRS,

I'm so glad that you've found this community, joined, and have started telling your story. And I know exactly what you mean about the relief that comes with finding out someone else has been where you are.

Yours is a tough situation. What I hear you saying, though, is that you're ready to move forward with your life. No doubt this won't be easy, but you're ready. I don't know if this helps, but for me, I started to feel that my life was intolerable. I simply couldn't go on lying to everyone, including myself. I've just started coming out about a week ago, so all of this is fresh for me, too.

So you've made a decision to move forward. Congratulations--that's a huge step. And as difficult as it may be, you're absolutely correct: It will be better for both you and your wife. If it's been so long since you've had sex that you can't even remember when the last time was, I'm sure she knows something isn't quite right.

I know others will have great advice, and I don't have a lot of wisdom to share, being so early in this process myself, but where are my thoughts.

Do you have someone you can talk to who will be objective and help you sort through your feelings? Is it possible for you to go to a therapist? I know that even in the last week, mine has been a huge help to me as I start this process. He or she will be able to help you think through how best to talk to your wife.

Another thought that has come to my mind only recently (as I think telling my husband is going to result in a yucky scene) is that if you do anticipate a difficult or angry discussion when telling your wife, you may be able to bring her to a therapy session and tell her with your therapist there to act as a moderater. I don't know if that will work for you, but I know I've already used our marriage counselor as a moderator when I have something difficult and potentially inflammatory to tell my husband.

I know how hard it is to finally admit to yourself you're gay. I was writing about it in my journal in preparation for my therapist visit, and it took me about 5 pages of procrastination before I could write out the sentence: I am gay. You may need tome to come to terms with these feelings and portion of your identity before contemplating how best to tell your wife When you tell her, I think it would be best if you were able to be confident in yourself. She may very well ask, "Are you sure?" and you want to be able to answer clearly and honestly and not waver. To waver is to risk the potential of falling back into the relationship.

Does the guy you're seeing have any advice to give as far as coming out? Maybe his story will help you.

Above all, please know that you owe it to yourself to be happy. What you're doing is difficult, but not wrong. You also owe it to your wife to give her a chance to find a relationship with a man who is able to love her in all the ways a wife should be loved. You owe it to yourself to be free to pursue other relationships.

And we're here for you. You are not alone in this struggle.

--Zoe

 

I know it's not easy. It sounds like you're pretty sure that your feelings for this guy make you happy, and your relationship w your wife is not making either of you happy. I think that once we do know the truth we have a moral obligation to act on it thoughtfully but act on it. Your wife probably knows on some level. The cheating is possibly more damaging than the gayness. I understand though. I fell in love while separating but not yet divorced. He felt betrayed and wanted me to stay away from my lover even though I was honest about wanting divorce and even though I had already moved out. If you love this guy then stand by who you are if you can. It diminishes what you have with her and with him to lie to her and only give him part of yourself (the part you hide). Don't get me wrong, I think coming out is up to you entirely but if you're hurting her in the process consider what's healthiest for all involved. It's NOT easy. It wasn't easy for me to leave and I didn't have any sexual orientation issues to announce. So, I don't think you're weak or immoral or anything bad. I think you want happiness like all of us and it sounds like you're trapped. Even if you don't come out right now, could you address your marriage and tell her you want to leave and that you're not happy?

I'm glad you are letting yourself feel what you feel and I hope you find all the love you deserve!

 

Well said, Happy Mom. I especially like your point about our moral obligation. I feel that weighing heavy on my right now, but didn't have the words for it.

And yes, to not be yourself is to diminish all of your relationship.

What helps me sometimes is envisioning my authentic life once the dust settles. It may take a little while to get there, and the road is bound to be bumpy, but boy am I looking forward to arriving there. And these vision reaffirm for me that the life I have right now is not authentic and gives me courage to keep moving forward.

--Zoe

 

YES! That's huge Zoe. Envisioning the life you want will lead to the right answers. I believe that for all of us. I was willing to risk everything because I had a deep faith that the life I wanted was the life I was meant to have. And I think I'm living it now after a really tough year or two. It was hard as hell but worth it. I have 2 happy kiddos, an ex husband who's still my friend, and a current husband/lover/soul mate and a very honest healthy relationship. The truth of all of that possibility kept me going through all the painful stuff an family members telling me I was ruining lives, and that I could "beat this thing" and that I needed to just "get my ass back home and stay married." They're kind of eating their words now.

But trusting myself was sometimes the hardest part. You know you better than anyone. In the end we are the only ones that have to live with ourselves so better please ourselves and be proud of our choices. Responsibly, you know.

 

Welcome drs. I know you are in a difficult place at the moment, but one step at a time you can move forward. I hope that very soon you will be surprised at how far you have come. I am glad you have taken the step of joining this community. I hope you find this a helpful and safe place. Share what you feel able to with us, and hopefully you can benefit from others sharing with you. Best wishes.

 

Hi Drs:

Reading your story reminds me a lot of my story. I am at the same point as you I think. Not sure where to turn or what steps to take next. Would love the chance to chat with you and see if we can help each other along. Good Luck my friend and hopefully we will all find true happiness.

Take Care
Craig

 

DRS,

Don't worry too much. Once you get start to get comfortable with who you are, and that may take a little time, you'll be better able to envision what it is you want. Right now, there's a lot going on with you--a lot of turmoil. It's difficult to envision a positive future when you're still just admitting to yourself who you are.

If you're interested in exploring it, I recommend writing about it. I'm a believer in the connection between writing and thinking. Just disregard the rules--don't worry about spelling, punctuation, etc. And be totally honest with yourself. Don't think about your current situation--if your life were perfect, what would it look like? Doesn't matter if it's realistic or not, and you're certainly not committing yourself to anything. But sometimes just letting yourself write things out help uncover things you're not yet aware of.

Start small or with things that aren't related to your sexuality--where would you live? What would you do? Who would be in your life--friends, family, etc. Just let one thing lead to another.

And if you don't get anything the first time, don't worry. It's a start.

For me, the biggest thing I picture in my authentic life is simply being able to be honest with myself and others--not having to squash down what I know to be true. I can enter relationships--all relationships--with honest and integrity. That's what I can't wait to do.

And if you're not into writing, don't worry. As things clear up for you, you'll start to get an idea of what you want.

--Zoe

 

Hey drs,

I think you know what you want and what you need to do. I think all of us fear losing their families and are torn. I've told my wife, who has told me the marriage is over but well be friends. I haven't told the kids yet, everyone I've spoken to about telling their kids has told me that it was for the best. You can't live false life; I've tired and have only made myself more and more miserable. Be who you are.

 

This is a very good thread from Salegayguy

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/90023-notes-i-gave-my-wife-when-i-came-out-her.html

 

Yes exactly, this is a major reason to come out sooner than later, and for me the sad part isn't about me but about my wife.

I actually kind of did do it over dinner. It was spontaneous, I'd been thinking of telling her for a while, and I just decided on the spot to get it over with. After dinner I asked her if she'd be surprised if I told her I'm gay. She was. Very. But I'm glad I told her, I'm glad I didn't prepare too much but just did it and I only wish I'd done it much sooner.

 

Good Morning, Drs--

As you know, I don't have any advice about coming out to your spouse (yet), but I wanted to tell you how much I love what you wrote here and the analogy you drew between Shawshank and your life. I am an English geek, and I love this sort of thing. I think you'd said it beautifully.

--Zoe

 

I'm not through the sewer pipe yet; I feel I'm a bit stuck in the middle but there has to be an end. My wife knew about my sexuality because of her perceptiveness and my withdrawal from sexual activity with her. Of course, I'm leaving out the most crucial detail: when we first met, in our twenties, I identified myself as gay, we became best friends and the rest is history; I guess she thought she had converted me. Well, she's been asking me for years if I thought I was really gay and stupid me, I've been saying "no, I'm bisexual". Just a dirty, little lie. I guess not so little.

 

I think this is a good letter. In terms of how you give it to her, I don't have any great advice. I suppose I would hand it to and wait while she read it. But I dunno.

To be perfectly honest, however, I'd recommend you tell her face to face. It will be extremely uncomfortable for a minute, but I think that speaking the words, "I'm gay," out loud will be therapeutic for you and her. Once you get those words out, everything becomes a little easier.

In telling my wife, I hadn't planned anything. When I woke up that morning, it never crossed my mind that I was going to come out that day. But a conversation we were having led me there. Likewise, when I told my brother on the phone a couple of weeks ago. Actually, in that case, I had thought a lot about what I would say, but in the end I just found a point in the conversation where it seemed to make sense.

I don't know whether that can work for you. I do know that once the words "I'm gay" come out of your mouth, everything that seemed impossible suddenly seems surprisingly manageable.

 

None of us has the right answers, but hopefully we can add some pointers, as we are reading your letter from a neutral stand point without the emotion.

I am not sure I would add the I HAVE BEEN UNFAITHFUL in big bold letters, people read a few lines and that is it.

I would mention about the good years you have had together.

But start with the conversation; then give her the letter; show some courage to speak up then show the letter later.

I will get off my soap box now.