Don't want to go into all the details at this time, but I will say that I have had one of the most emotional and most discouraging days I have had in a while. Time spent with family and friends (of the previous marriage) at a special event. I had to attend. I felt like an outcast. It was amazing how small I felt in this group of 50-60 people. Folks that I have spent a lot of time with over the years, today were avoiding me. Now understand, I am not completely out, but these are my wife's friends, and it sure felt like a lot of them knew. (paranoid much?) I sat by the table and ate. Not a good thing. I had made such good progress in keeping my stress eating at bay and redirecting my thoughts and actions, and today I failed this test miserably! Life is moving on. I see others around moving forward, but I look at myself and I see nothing. I see worse then nothing. I see that I am rebuilding a life that is a lie, ALL OVER AGAIN. BLAH BLAH BLAH...When I write it out, it looks really pathetic. I am 50 fracking years old, my lie isn't supposed to be this...Thanks for listening:bang:
I'm sorry you had such a terrible day. But one day isn't the same thing as an entire life. Big events like the one you describe are pretty unbearable under the best conditions. When you're feeling alienated, it's even worse. You CAN change your life. It's not easy. There's a lot of stuff you have to give up. But it IS possible.
You are going to have up and down days; just think of it as one of those down days. Things will get better. One 7th of your life is spent living on a Monday. :rolle:
What a horrible day! I'm so sorry. I'm not saying anything new here, but I want to reiterate what others are saying: Don't give up. Life has its ups and downs. And a day like this could happen to you even if you were straight. Bad days happen to everyone for all sorts of reasons. This was just one of yours. Remember--the problem is theirs, not yours. I know it hurts, but there's nothing wrong with you. Don't let yourself slip back into a lie. Remember, you are working on building an authentic life. It's not going to be easy or painless, but it's so worth it. The path of least resistance is seldom the one to happiness. Hang in there, friend. --Zoe
It seems to me like you ought to give yourself some credit where it's due and that you were super brave to be at that party, to put yourself in a situation where you probably knew you would feel alienated. And those feelings of discomfort are only fleeting- the deeper, truer and more lasting ones are connected to the fact that you are striving to live honestly. How many people- gay/straight/whatever- can say they are working towards that? Remember to feel some pride in that!
I am sorry to hear you had such a lousy day. As others have said there are bad days and good, but I understand that's not always easy to appreciate when the bad ones come along. Obviously I don't know your circumstances, but if possible, in future you may wish to re-examine the idea that you "have to" attend something..people may expect you to be at a particular occasion, but there are times you have to put your own wellbeing first. It can be quite liberating to question the have to/should/ must situations in life and sometimes you may find that you don't have to after all. I am also a stress eater, and I sometimes get caught up in the vicious circle where I make poor choices because of stress, then get more stressed beating myself up over it. Sometimes I just need to let it go and decide that 'tomorrow is another day' ...I can't undo choices I made today which were not helpful to me, but I can try to make different choices tomorrow. Big hugs.
thanks everyone, the light of day and your kind words have put the situation where it should be placed; as a learning experience and as another stop on my way to personal acceptance and authenticity. I blamed others for my "have to" when actually it was me that "had to" go through the experience to get to the other side. The pain is real, but the pain is a consequence of my actions and decisions. And honestly, to be truthful, this morning I feel a little bit more in control, and little bit further out! It isn't easy to read and respond to the "whiny, blah, blah blah" but thank you for taking the time, it has made a difference in my life!
Gosh pnattmbtc, I just posted about a similar experience the other day (see Save Me). However, I'm not out at all with my wife's family so it was just the same old masquerade. I had such a mixture of feelings: resentment about being there, the old feeling of not belonging/not fitting in, shame about myself (if only people really knew who I was), sadness because once we split up I probably won't see most of my wife's family except very rarely and I like some of them (especially my wife's cousins husband, V., who I've had a mad crush on for 15 years). Then I think about my kids who like the family togetherness and my family of origin is split in a million pieces and there is no togetherness. Well, I am truly sorry for one of your hardest days. And I understand about the eating under stress, I weighed 135 pounds in college; now, I won't even go there about the weight. I'm working on it. Hang in there, you've got friends here. You don't have to rebuild your life as a lie. I'm trying hard not to but the lying comes so easily....do something good for yourself.
