Anyone else feel as stupid as I do?

Hi Swirling-

I'm afraid I don't have much advice to offer, as my situation was different. I'm finding myself coming out at 42, but really, I've known it all my life. Just haven't let myself admit it. While it's new information to everyone around me, it really isn't to me.

Anyway, no advice, but I wanted to offer you at least a little support. I know how difficult this can be. I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

--Zoe

 

I did the same thing, I didn't come out til my late 20's.
I frustrated I wasted all that time hiding, but wasting time now on being mad myself is just as pointless. So forward ho! I say.

 

Hi -I'm in my 40's divorcing husband. Out Out for about a month. So much happier even with all the ups & downs & craziness! It will be ok. Breathe. Hugs

 

Oh yeah! One of my main stumbling blocks for just loudly coming out to everyone is how f#cking embarrassed I feel about how long it's taken me to figure out I'm gay.

The more I think about it an reevaluate my past, the more obvious it all seems and the stupider I feel!

So yeah, I am right there with you sugar.

 

Swirlingocean- It does get funny -Looking back. Wow- I'm so gay I'm suprised I did not have a G as a birthmark....:roflmao:
(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)

 

Oh, so true! Even my husband he said he suspected it because of passing comments I made. My gayness was leaking out, and I didn't even know it!

Yes, Swirling Ocean--you will look back and laugh at the situation, or at least be able to smile about it.

I laugh inside when someone asks me, "Are you sure?" All I can think of is, "Oh, honey, if you only knew!"

--Zoe

 

All I have to offer is that sexuality is a really sticky thing to figure out. (Unintentional pun.) I'm straight but am just now even beginning to feel comfortable with sex in a truly uninhibited way. I mean there's still a log way to go, but my point is that I think most humans take awhile to get comfortable with sex (truly comfortable) and it is just that much more complicated for anyone that's not cookie cutter straight. Try not to feel stupid. You're just on a journey, so things are changing and that feels out of control. Hugs.

 

Hi SwirlingOcean (*love* your avatar, btw),

I have my own take on feeling stupid. I realized at 16 that I was attracted to both men and women. By 18 I had experienced women, and was starting to consider myself quite the actualized woman. At 19 I met the love of my life, the woman I have spent the past nearly 27 years with, quite happily for the most part.

In the first 15 or so of those years, I felt I could conveniently just push those feelings about men into a box and keep them there indefinitely. My partner (also bi) and I would enjoy occasional playful bouts of disparaging men...sour grapes, anyone? But for the most part it was easy to know in the back of our minds that we were bisexual, but not think about it too much.

By my mid-30's, though, those urges really started to assert themselves, and life became more difficult. By late-30's I started seeking support on forums like this and for bisexuals, just to talk and find out how others cope with this situation. I started to realize that, dammit, being bisexual isn't just being *open* to both sexes...it's actively *desiring* both, and you can't suppress those desires (comfortably) forever.

Now we're in our mid-40's, and STILL have no clue how to shape or change our relationship, to accommodate our mutual growing desires for male contact without jeopardizing the wonderful bond we share.

Felt actualized at 16...but 30 years later I feel I have not moved a single step forward in really understanding my sexuality or how to deal with it!

So if you're 30, and actually *doing* something...feel good about that, ok?

Best wishes,
-- Annika

 

Ha, I know this feeling. I look at me as a teenager with the backwards baseball cap and the mens clothes and thinking about womens breasts all too often. Jeez....

 

Oh..... don't worry about feeling (as you say) stupid. (&&&)

I should feel twice as bad as you do. I kind of always knew that I was gay, but I rejected my true self for soooooo ...long. (look at my details ... Damn...I turned 59 yesterday...and I missed it) I've been married twice (to women), and now divorced twice.

If EC had been around back in 1996 after my first divorce, I would have come out then and there and never bothered going through a second hetero marriage. :eek:

I'm so happy that you found out at the age of 30 that things didn't seem right for you.

Even though most of us don't know each other in real life ..... you do have friends here at EC.

 

You have no idea how common this is. Even though I started referring to myself as bi in my twenties, I kept thinking I was basically straight. Before we married, I told my wife that I had homosexual fantasies but that they were no big deal. That's the way I saw it. Only recently did I admit to myself that I'm basically gay.

I don't have any great regrets about any of this. I haven't been unhappy or felt that I was living a lie. I was just deeply invested in a self-image that I now see was not accurate.

 

I think for some people sexuality is journey kind of like finding a career you really like. You may try things and realize it's not for you. Don't feel bad, just go with it, what's the point in thinking about the past anyway?

If you are confused about a label just think of it as your sexuality is yours - individual, personal, complex. I'm starting to realize that my sexuality does not fit into any box. I just kind of do what I want now...just go with it.

 

Sexuality is not confusing for all people.

When I was a teenager, sometimes I felt like I was going to die if I did not have sex with a pretty girl, but no guys were attractive to me at all.

I have read that sexuality is more fluid for females than for males. Males tend to be born heterosexual or homosexual, and then stay that way for life.

 

Swirlingocean - Feel stupid all you want but the feeling will pass and you will realize that life hasn't passed you by. Don't regret the past at all (easier said than done, right?). Your life has just started.

(*hug*)

:eusa_doh: I know this feeling!

 

I agree wtih Biotech - the feelings will pass and when you can accept who you are you will feel so much more confident and at peace. I feel like I've started not only a new chapter but a new book.

 

Its so good to hear that other people feel the "dohhh" moment too. I am 40 and only realised last year that I was gay. Looking back now, there were signs but I ignored them. One of the things holding me back is the feeling that my friends will look at me thinking, how could you not have known something as important as that??? I came out to my counsellor yesterday, such a struggle I had getting the words out of me. Part of what I want to explore with her is how to deal with what people will ask and think of me... because I feel like a total eejit.
BUT, Ireland was a very different place when I was growing up and I focused very strongly on my education, and was swept into a relationship with a man before I had time to explore who I was on my own. we all have to give ourselves a break I suppose, what happened happened..
One thing I am having trouble with now though and would be interested in knowing if anyone else is feeling this:
I am so annoyed with my parents, totally irrationally I know, and not because I am gay but because they brought me up and didn't provide an environment in which I could have felt comfortable with exploring my sexual identity. Not really their fault, but I feel I need to blame someone! My parents are quite elderly and I think I will probably never tell them I am gay, because I dont think they will not understand, and it may not do our relationship any good..