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This May Be A Stupid Question...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Zoe, May 31, 2013.

  1. Zoe

    Zoe
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    Hello All,

    I can't really find a great place to post this question. I'm not sure this is the best place, but I'm hoping for feedback from people a little closer to my age, so I'm posting it here.

    I'm sorry if the answer to this is obvious, but I'm really new to all of this, so here it goes.

    I've just come out to myself and others at age 42. I've been married twice and had lots of boyfriends along the way. All of this is to say I've had a fairly decent amount of sex with men.

    So-Let's take a sexual action that either sex can do: Oral sex. Can I anticipate it being more enjoyable with a woman simply because she's a woman? Or if I don't find it thrilling with a man, I won't find it thrilling with a woman?

    Does that make sense? In other words, in a purely sexual sense (because I know relationship also plays a big part), how much does the gender/sex of your partner matter?

    I suspect I know the answer, but I have no experience, and I'd love to hear from someone who has a little experience with both sides of the coin.

    Thanks--I know this may be a little bit of an awkward question and I appreciate any feedback you have to give.

    --Zoe
     
  2. Anthemic

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    Well, I'm not sure I can answer this the way you're hoping for, but maybe I can be a bit helpful.

    Women are much different than men. And in my opinion, they are more desirable. I've never given oral, but I have given hand-jobs on a guy and a woman. Giving one to a guy did not, in any way, turn me on. It was purely for his pleasure. Now giving one to a woman is a different story. Before I ever touched a woman there, I was nervous that I wouldn't like it. I was very wrong. Knowing I was giving her pleasure along with myself was a great feeling.

    Intimacy with a woman is more sensual than with a man, in my opinion. The way women smell, feel, kiss, etc. is so different than with a man.

    The thought of doing oral on a man is unappealing to me. But the thought of doing it on a woman is exciting, even though I'm mostly passive.
     
    #2 Anthemic, May 31, 2013
    Last edited: May 31, 2013
  3. biAnnika

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    Hi Zoe,

    Not a stupid question at all.

    I think the short answer is that you will have to discover (or rediscover) what you like, sort of item-by-item. To me (of course) it's more a partner-by-partner thing, rather than gender-by-gender...but you've reached a point where your future partners will be differently arranged than past partners...so it'll all be pretty different for a while.

    Performing oral sex on a man is worlds different from doing so with a woman. Worlds. The whole landscape is different...at first you might feel a bit lost (and that's ok...remember...with oral sex, if your heart is in the right place, your tongue will eventually get there too *smile*).

    If you are talking about *receiving* oral sex from a man vs. woman...again, I claim a complete partner-by-partner, rather than gender-by-gender difference here. Oh, people like to say, "women really know what they're doing with a woman" just like "men really know what they're doing with a man". But the fact is that the very best people at oral sex (male or female...with males or females) are the people who really enjoy what they are doing, and are sensitive to receiving information about what their partner likes.

    But again, experimentation is necessary! I doubt little we can say will give you much real perspective.

    Best wishes,
    -- Annika
     
  4. greatwhale

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    I think the gender matters tremendously, but only because we know, as homosexuals, that we can form a deeper emotional bond with someone of our own gender. For me, that emotional bond is a prerequisite for arousal...
     
  5. biAnnika

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    I agree with greatwhale on this, and wanted to clarify that I wasn't trying to imply otherwise (my partner-by-partner notion was about me and my limitations as a bisexual in approaching your question; not about you or people generally).

    In a way I was trying to get at this idea when I was talking about oral sex being best with an enthusiastic partner...that enthusiasm comes in large part from the emotional bond greatwhale is talking about!
     
  6. Biotech49

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    I hated oral sex (the giving) with men. Absolutely hated it but in trying to keep a relationship together it was something that was expected. They wouldn't reciprocate very often. Waiting on my first intimate experience with a woman. It's been on my mind for many years and now that I am out I can feel free to act on it (working slowly on a relationship right now - I won't jump into just anything - or anybody).
     
  7. Zoe

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    Thank you everyone for your thoughtful answers. I believe you're correct--it has much more to do with your relationship than with the actual person. I think for me, the two are linked. Honestly, I don't think I've been emotionally available to men my whole life--although I certainly couldn't have told you that until recently. And because I couldn't fully connect with them, something was lacking in my sex life. I always felt like it was a whole lot of fuss over not much of anything.

    And I've thought about it, and I don't think I lack an interest in sex in general--in fact, I think the opposite is true: I'm very interested in sex. I just think I haven't been able to form the right kinds of relationships with me in order to have the sort of emotional connection needed for great sex (despite being married twice).

    I very much appreciate your feedback. My head is spinning as I go through this process, and I'm grateful to have this community to turn to.

    --Zoe
     
  8. Gaysibling

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    Not a stupid question at all Zoe... how is anyone supposed to find stuff out if they never ask ?

    As a gay man I really love giving oral....to a man. I simply can't imagine giving it to a woman. So it seems perfectly reasonable to me that something which does not work for you with the "wrong" gender could actually be very enjoyable with the right person of the "right" gender. I guess there is only one way you'll find out for sure.
     
  9. Zoe

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    Very true, Gaysibling, very true. :slight_smile:
     
  10. I have been asking myself the same thing. I'm really glad you asked!
     
  11. Zoe

    Zoe
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    Glad to be helpful, Hawaiian Flower. :wink:

    -Z
     
  12. Gaysibling

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    I think this is a great lesson for all of us.

    Don't be afraid to ask questions, the odds are that at least one other person is wondering exactly the same thing you are. By sharing we can all help each other along the way. (&&&)
     
  13. Zoe

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    Great point, Gay Sibling. :slight_smile: Thanks for posting it.


    --Z
     
  14. SwirlingOcean

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    I've just started to wonder about this myself. Oral with men was an absolutely horrible experience for me. And receiving it from a man was terrifying. I just thought it was a preference of mine that I didn't like oral. And I never thought about it with a woman. I just assumed it would be disgusting too. When I first started giving myself permission to really think about it...hmmmm...I think it will be a lot better than my experiences with men.
     
  15. Zoe

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    Yeah, Ocean, I'm sort of there, too. I haven't hated receiving oral sex from me, but it really hasn't ever done much for me. On some occasions, I've actually been bored. But I like the concept, and I can't help thinking that (relationship issues aside for a moment), I'll be more excited about it when it's a woman.

    And ditto for giving oral sex.

    --Z
     
  16. Biotech49

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    Zoe and Swirlingocean, I'm with you on that. Looking forward to giving and receiving. Eventually. I guard my heart and working on a relationship through friendship right now (we both agreed to start out that way). When she mentioned that she liked a woman in lingerie and then said that she like to "unwrap", um, I had to turn on the fan. LOL :icon_redf
     
  17. Lilly storm

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    Zoe,

    First, hi, I'm new here and have been reading your post. It's nice to get to know you a bit. I've recognized a lot of my own situation and struggle in your posts.

    I second what Annika wrote about people enjoying what they are doing. But it has been a bit different for me. I've been with many men in my life and one woman and all the men I have given oral sex to told me it was really great. But I didn't like it at all. I didn't like it, but I have always taken pride in being a sensitive lover who pays really close attention to my partner and really tries to please them. Now I realize why I didn't like it, but that's another story.

    That doesn't really answer your question, just chiming in here.
     
  18. EddyG

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    I actually enjoyed giving oral sex to my female partner, mainly because it turned her on and made her happy. With guys I really do like that part of it too, but I have to say I feel much more passionate about the act with guys, at such a visceral level. Also seems like since I know what I like in that area it's easier to do stuff that he likes too -- knowing how to use the equipment. In my limited experience, getting head from women was never that great -- though that might just have been because I'm gay but I do think it was beyond that. I also often got the sense that she really didn't like doing it but was just trying to please...
     
  19. Chloe

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    That's me, usually, and I've received oral from men and women (at least a few of each). The act itself wasn't all that different (men vs women), but the overall experience was - just not different enough to make it more pleasurable most of the time.
     
  20. PeteNJ

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    ^^^this. never minded pleasing a woman I was with orally, which is different than intercourse... that was a mind f*ck for me.

    but differently than Eddy, some of the best oral sex I've received is from women.

    though, in the total package of having sex with men, even not so good head is amazing.