Dealing with Loneliness

Zoe, I'm sorry hear what's happening. It is so hard to go through this transition and on top of it to fear the loneliness. In my twenties, before marriage, I went through a great deal of loneliness; I think it was one of the things that impelled me to marry. I am fearful of loneliness too, very much. Right now, we are altogether. But within a couple of years my kids will be gone and we will split up. I have not yet dealt with this so I can't give you advice, but I certainly understand the worry. I feel I will need to keep myself very busy and build up a network. This is hard because I've become a homebody. Change is inevitable. I don't know where you live but it would be good to form a network and meet other women who you can connect with. I'm in a gay men's group now and am looking at other activites available for gay men. And, come here to EC for support. Hugs. (*hug*)(*hug*)

---------- Post added 1st Jun 2013 at 06:23 PM ----------

Unfortunately, severe depression and I are old friends (or enemies). I have been extremely depressed and suicidal at times. You are not alone with this. I feel with depression, as hard as it is, the worst thing is to give into it and not act to help yourself. There's such a strong pull to be passive and let the depression take you over. Push yourself to take some action, be with people and find comforting things to do. Take care.

 

I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad Zoe. I agree that loneliness is can be oppressive. But the difference between now and after your first marriage is that you're out of the closet now. That should give you a sense of freedom you didn't have before. I'm not saying it'll be a bed of roses. It will be a challenge to regain your footing, but having read a lot of your posts, I'm pretty sure you'll manage it.

 

The depression is the most important thing you need to be address, though you will have to deal with the other issues. Depression often comes from loneliness. This would be totally understandable when you're struggling with something critical in life, without the support system you need and deserve.

If you find that the depression is not lifting, do not delay in seeking help from someone who is qualified and not judgmental. I know depression quite well. As for the relationship part, I'm not that experienced. It seems that people often struggle with depression for a longer span of time in their lives than they are actually in any one relationship.

 

I don't know your exact situation, but there are some similarities to mine. As far as the loneliness goes, and if this kind of help is available to you, you might want to try to work on the depression through therapy? Try to see this moment as an opportunity to address your loneliness and why it leads to depression. What has worked for me to a certain extent is purposefully being alone and trying to accept that this is not pathetic or sad. I don't know if this is the case for you, but my fear of loneliness is what led me to be in an intense relationship with a woman while doubting my sexuality, which now means that on top of finally dealing with my sexual orientation issues, I have to process the most painful break up of my life. I know it sounds really corny, but I truly believe have to love yourself first before you can love another. You have to give your own life purpose, regardless of other people. Maybe it's not a bad thing that he is cutting himself off completely. It will force you to deal with your own issues. Try not to lose yourself in what ifs. You cannot change the past. So try to see this as an opportunity to finally address an issue you have always had and work on the root of your problem. Look towards the future. As I reread this, I'm thinking I'm kind of all over the place so I don't know if I've said anything helpful, but anyway: I really hope you can work this out, and know you are not alone. Good luck

 

I'm sorry. This sounds like a very tough spot to be in. But you ARE stronger now because you know exactly who you are and have come face to face with it. Just that alone is amazing. I don't know how long it will take to feel "normal" again since this is very new for me too. But I think once you really settle into yourself you will realize that you are an amazing caring person that has a lot to offer the world. Your posts on here have really helped me. Knowing that you are awesome will help you radiate that to others and people will come to you.

But someone mentioned therapy and I think that is a good idea too. Maybe someone that specializes in LGBT issues. They can probably refer to other groups and events to meet people and make friends with others who are going through the same things. In the meantime, we are all here.

 

You never get used to loneliness I don't think, you learn to live with it, but you never get used to it

 

I don't know how to quote only a certain amount of text, cuz I suck with computers, so I just copied and pasted it :icon_bigg

Also, I've been through this before, so maybe knowing what to expect will help me cut it off at the pass.

^ you're already seeing upsides. Yay!

And yes--I do need to deal with why being along makes me depressed. I have to say, I have seen it as sort of pathetic, but I live in a place where being a single woman my age is something of an anomaly, so it's hard not to see myself as not fitting into the norm, and even though I know that's perfectly OK, it's still enough to bring me down.

^ Yes, having a life companion must be great, and true love does exist I am sure, but don't let society's expectations of you dictate your life. If you'd know what's hidden beneath the surface with a lot of those couples you talk about, I don't think you'd be jealous. You never know what happens behind closed doors . If you find being happy alone difficult because of your surroundings, maybe change those? For example, city life makes being single more "socially acceptable" than when you live in the suburbs. Do what is within your might to become happier. Change only what you can change, because trying to change what you can't will only leave you frustrated. Also, realise that western society also dictates you to be happy. Preferably all the time. Know that this is just an image that is created by society and perpetuated by people. People who struggle like you, who fall and get up again. People generally pretend to be happier than they actually are, try not to get caught up in this.

Thank you so much for taking the time to offer such thoughtful words. This is such a great community.

^ Well, you seem like a very nice person yourself, who really puts in an effort to listen to what's being said, so you deserve it. Happy times (!)

 

I'm sorry you are going through this Zoe - I went through the abrupt divorce back in late 2011. It was very difficult emotionally. I wasn't forced out of the house until it sold which was last June. I then live with my dear friends who are married for about 8 months which helped so much and I didn't have to face that loneliness. I've been in my own apartment since April and am quite happy, but lonliness does creep up from time to time. I do maintain a friendliness with my ex since my daughter lives with him. I have also met a few great women friends on **********. That may not be for you, but I find great support there.

 

Hi Zoe,

Many of those who posted here seem to have hit the bull's-eye question, why is solitude equated with loneliness?

This question is a deep issue that needs to be addressed. I am enjoying my solitude, I like my own company. Yes, we are social creatures, but we are also creative, curious, thoughtful and independent creatures as well.

At this time, in North America, there are more people living alone than ever before. Many have wondered what these singletons do with their time. Probably what I am doing right now, and probably more of it!

I wish you all the best in dealing with this blight of loneliness and learn to enjoy the things that only solitude can offer.

 

Hi Zoe,

Sorry for what is going on in your life. I can not advise you very much on loneliness, but I can on depression. I am currently seeing a therapist due to depression. Not because of my "new found" sexuality, but because of being unemployed for 2.5 years. I realized it when I found I was no longer finding joy in my grandchildren and was angry about everything. I have seen the therapist 3 times and it is helping. I thought I was "to strong" to seek help, and have realized that maybe I am strong enough to seek help instead.

All of my friends are married, have boyfriends or "lives of their own." I know what you mean by 3rd wheel, it's lousy. All but one lives more than 50 miles from me, so I am not included in a lot of stuff they do. This does make me lonely. Because of my situation, I have joined a couple of on-line groups (not dating sites) so that I can meet other women.

I think if you know that the depression is probably going to occur, then find someone to talk to now, so that when it starts (if it starts) you will be able to better deal with it.

 

Hi Zoe, I've been watching the boards for a while and I am just starting to post. I came out to my husband last year. He and I have both gone through the five stages of grief, several times up and down, and back and forth. I knew that depression would most likely be a more intense stage, and would linger, so I tried to watch for signs and head it off. I was just going to say that after 45 years I know myself pretty well, but then realized my situation and the irony of posting in the LGBT later in life section.... Anyways, I've had some very low points, always centered around my kids and the thought of how this will affect them. Thankfully they have been short lived, but i think the real challenges are yet to come. My husband and I have good days and bad days. We've discussed every possible outcome to our situation, and we have decided that we need to move on, separately. We are getting ready to move forward in the next few months. Anyways, I just wanted to reach out and say that you are not alone.

 

Haha, I'm no psychic. It wast just an example. Maybe I sort of assumed it from what you were telling about "I live in a place where being a single woman my age is something of an anomaly, so it's hard not to see myself as not fitting into the norm, and even though I know that's perfectly OK, it's still enough to bring me down". Also, I moved from a small town to a bigger city (big city by Belgian standards, which is still tiny), so maybe that's why I mentioned it. My coming out was far from a choice, it had to do with circumstances, but I could not have imagined doing this in my home town. Cities are a bit more anonymous and faceless, which can sometimes be a good thing . It can however also lead to another kind of solitude. I understand that it would definitely be nice for you to have a group of peers you can relate to. Sometimes, making friends just IS hard. I hope things get better for you soon. In the meanwhile, I hope you find at least a minimum of support from things like this online community . Feel free to talk to me anytime

 

Your story is very similar to mine. I always knew I was bi and my husband was aware of that. However the pieces simply kept coming together for me. I have known I was gay for quite some time. I just came out to my husband about a month ago. It's been a very rough month. He shut himself off from me...then opened back up...then got mean...then threatened to take the kids from me.... It's been an absolute roller coaster. I've had good days and bad days. Today just happened to be one of those bad days. And today I found EC.

As far as the depression goes, I've definitely had my experience with depression/anxiety. Do you have a therapist or counselor? Do you take, or have you ever taken medications for depression? Are you open to this? These are all questions to ponder in your own mind as the answers to them are for your knowledge only...

And as diegohrz mentioned above, finding social support is important. Even if it is "only" online.

 

I'm glad you found us, in this little shelter from the storm. Welcome to EC, Joulesx!

 

First, I've really spent time in therapy getting that it's perfectly fine to be alone and feel what ever I'm feeling. Sadness, loneliness, worry, anxiety. In fact its darned healthy.

I've spent a few nights getting wasted (drunk) instead of dealing with it -- and that's been a lesson too.

OTOH -- I have committed to myself to never, ever spend night after night on the sofa watching stupid TV wrapped in a blanket with the cats next to me. NEVER!

I've joined meetups, check the calendars at LGBT centers for events... and while it is ok to once and a while be alone and wallow -- beyond occasionally it IS unhealthy.

Lessons for me -- reach out to friends (straight & gay), take a deep breath - go to something where I know no one and have a fun time anyway.

 

I understand how anyone with loneliness feels. I haven't dated anyone in like three years. It's very difficult to meet people in this small-minded town/county I live in. I could move to a bigger town, but it would effect me career wise. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm doing the therapy thing. It's great....refreshing and enlightening.
I'm out to immediate family and close friends. I'm in a career and live in a town that doesn't take too lightly to the whole homosexual thing. Any advice anyone can give me would be great.

phoenixinflames

 

I think loneliness is an internal feeling about a loss of connection to others. It may feel more intense when someone is alone or in solitary; I don't equate it solitude. But one can feel lonely in a room full of people. I feel it is a hard feeling to cope with. At times solitude is ok for me. Loneliness feels like there is no one really there for me, who truly knows me or accepts me as I am.