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Holiday with straight friend next week

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bingostring, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. bingostring

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    Some time ago I agreed to go to Spain with an old school friend for a holiday. Well its coming up and is going to be in about 10 days time

    I am gay - he is VERY straight . He and I have never discussed my sexuality. We have never talked around the subject.

    I have not been on a holiday with him for 20 years and there I will be ... 1:1 with him. If sexuality comes up it might backfire (i.e.: he may be angry I never told him... or I may dodge the issue as I have managed to do with so many people)

    I have already taken the precaution of booking separate hotel rooms ... in case he gets uncomfortable. Though I have not told him yet - he thinks we're sharing a room.

    This is such a mess .. just one of a trail of people I have never told and I leave this trail of missed opportunities and conflicting situations. :bang:
     
  2. Zoe

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    Hello Bingo String-

    First--I'm jealous you're going to Spain.

    Second--Do you think this friend would take your sexuality well? It sounds like you're close, long-term friends. Anyone who is a good friend should understand that people come out to people in their own time. And it can be completely awkward to just bring up sexuality out of the blue if an appropriate opportunity doesn't arise. You may have meant to tell him for years, but just never had a good chance.

    If you think he'll take it well, perhaps tell him simply, "Hey--I know we've never discussed this, and I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, but since I'm gay, I went ahead and booked my own room. I know it might make you feel uneasy sharing a room with me, and I totally understand that. It's not big deal, and I'm really looking forward to our vacation."

    Or something like that.

    As for timing, it's hard to suggest whether you should tell him before you leave or after you're there. It depends on whether or not you expect him to be upset at you.

    If you tell him before, and he is, he still has some time to cool down, and for you to talk to him, before you leave on vacation. Whereas if you tell him while you're in Spain and he gets upset, you've potentially ruined (or at least made unpleasant) your vacation.

    If you think it's not going to be a big deal, then it doesn't really matter when you tell him.

    I would suggest telling him before spending a night in the room with him--only so he doesn't feel retro-actively weird.

    And if he's cool with it, then it's just a vacation with a friend. No big deal.

    And if he asks why you haven't told him before--just be honest with him. It sounds like it has nothing to do with not telling him in particular. Every one of us knows about missed opportunities or the emotional drain of telling people over and over again until you've told everyone. Whatever the case is, just be honest.

    Good luck--write back and let us know how it goes.

    --Zoe
     
  3. skiff

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    Trust your gut. We all have some insight that weighs against the living lie. Sooner or later the scales shift.

    I suspect you will do what is right for the situation.
     
  4. lostman

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    I would love to go to Spain!.

    I think you kinda know how he would react after knowing him for 20 years. Is he someone who you want to come out to ? And preparing 2 rooms ahead of time might give him the tell tale signs that you are not physically comfortable with him in the same room and might lead to more probing questions during the trip.

    By the way .. how straight is straight ? I have straight gay bashing friends who are actually curious themselves .... and they hide the fact by being macho.

    i would say .. treasure the friendship ... enjoy the trip and spend more time catching up instead of worrying too much about him finding out that you are gay. Besides ... he is comfortable to go on a 1:1 trip with you... maybe he has something to share as well... you never know.

    So trust your gut... and if it makes you feel better ...maybe you can consider sharing with him about your sexual orientation before the trip and save some money and share a room together :slight_smile:

    Most important have FUN ! what is the worst thing that can happen? You might lose a friend or gain a confidant.
     
  5. awesomeyodais

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    If you're thinking of letting him know within the next few months anyway it's common courtesy to let him know before you share a room. But you never know, he might be more upset about having to pay 100% of his room than anything else. That you may want to clarify sooner than later, regardless of the explanation.
     
  6. arturoenrico

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    Are you attracted to him? Might he think you're attracted to him? Is that why you need the separate rooms? Love Spain but the situation sounds really uncomfortable. Is he so extremely straight that he's going to seek to hook up with a woman? If so, the separate rooms are definitely best. Anyway, I think it would be best to tell him before you go. I would hate having it hang over your head.
     
  7. bingostring

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    Thanks guys and gals..

    As luck would have it ... the hotel cancelled today (due to hotel building work running late)...and we had to re-book another place. The new place is an apartment with two separate bedrooms so I am a lot happier with that.

    As my friend is in a straight long term relationship with his girlfriend I think it will be pretty easy going ... and if awkward subjects come up I will "trust my gut" as so many of you have suggested,

    the answers he gets will depend on the amount of alcohol I have had :eusa_danc .. sadly all my anti-depressants mean that alcohol is almost off limits :bang:

    well, almost...

    thanks for your thoughts ... it has helped a lot
     
  8. lostman

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    That is great! Have fun bro!