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Celibacy anyone?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by arturoenrico, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. arturoenrico

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    I was just wondering....I am indeed coming out and told my kids yesterday, moving along, etc. I haven't ever had a sexual relationship with a male. I had two very limited encounters when I was younger....just wondering, I'm just not comfortable or craving a sexual relationship now. My sex drive is low. I want gay friends and community and maybe later on something will develop, but I just feel no burning desire for sex. I know this is contrary to the stereotypes of gay men and promiscuity. Anyone else out there feel this way?
     
  2. Bleak

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    Hi,

    congratulations on your coming out! I am not sure if I understand your problem correctly. Is it that you don't fulfill the promiscuous gay man's stereotype but want to? Why would you want that in the first place?

    But to answer your question. Yes, I do more or less feel this way, too, so you're not alone out there :slight_smile:
     
  3. arturoenrico

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    I wanted to know if anyone else felt like they were not looking for a sexual relationship at this time
     
  4. Tightrope

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    I am not looking for a sexual relationship at this time. I've had two friends-with-benefits type of arrangements. They worked well in that I didn't have to go look for sex. I could sort of count on it every weekend. The first one lasted 6 months and the second one lasted 9 months. They were very laid-back bisexual guys, the kind that I probably would have been friends with even if I had met them under different circumstances and there was no sex. I ended the first one, partly because I relocated. The other guy ended the second one, because he found a girlfriend, which I believe he has since split up with. My sex drive is high enough but, when I was younger, I had a hard time controlling it. I thought about sex all the time.
     
  5. wrhla

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    I'm not looking for a sexual relationship at this point. I have too much else going on in my life. And my libido does seem to have subsided since I came out to everyone a couple of months ago.
     
  6. user199

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    I am in the same boat.. though not yet out.. but I am holding off sex till I get comfortable with my sexuality. Primary looking for gay friends to hang out with n develop friendship.
    Problem I m little bit reserved n socially anxious. I m trying to open up more but it seems a herculian task to me. Couple of weeks back I went to a gay bar but couldn't talk to anyone.
    Left in an hour as I felt awkward there by myself.
    I am a nice educated bit reserved guy.
    But get cold feet when I meet someone.
    Don't know what to do..
     
  7. wrhla

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    You don;t sound like the bar type, and I would avoid it if I were you. I think your plan makes sense. Meet other gay you can relate to socially. Let the sexual/relationship stuff follow from that.
     
  8. Runnerrunner

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    Hi Arturoenrico, I think I understand. I'm not looking for sex right now, and have never been with a man either. However, I'm anxious to meet someone special. Hookup? Hell no. But man do I long (all puns intended) for a hug, a cuddle, a shoulder, a kiss, something to make me feel like a person instead of this whiney mess. I want a cup of coffee or glass of wine with someone and to just talk freely. Maybe that would get to sex and that would be great, but I'm not looking for it.
     
  9. arturoenrico

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    Hugs and cuddles would be great. I couldn't do a gay bar. I'm in a gay men's therapy group and I'm going to join a group for gay dads.
     
  10. RainbowMan

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    Same boat here - not actively looking for sex, don't use any of the apps for guys that are, etc. But if something led to it, I'd be just fine with it.
     
  11. aliveandwell

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    Sure. Why not? I'm game for new things. That's what i figured two years ago when my wife and I were going through some rough times, communication amounted to too much fighting, and sex had suddenly taken a veer for her.

    For me, as a mid-50's male in remission from cancer - lovemaking was the MOST intense ever. When you've been kissed by your mortality -- who kinda kisses you by jamming their hot, sharp and prickly tongue till you bleed and gag - to have the chance to be entwined with another - well, i gotta tell you -- I'd say repeatedly, "THIS is when I feel the MOST alive!"

    I don't know -- maybe it got too intense for her -- but somewhere along the line she got scared of me -- or perhaps it's the fact it's a chronic, incurable form of blood cancer - with periods of remission under "watch and wait" while its return is closely monitored.

    anywhoooo... I didn't want to feel shamed - so said let's take it off the table until we can talk about it. Well, the other problem there is for some reason, post-menopausal, my wife is not only not that interested, but also acts like an overly shy girl who can't talk about such embarrassing things as sex.

    Ugh!

    Okay, so I'll wait. Two years later - still waiting -- although last year on the eve before I began chemotherapy again she had mercy for me. I wasn't sure I'd survive it - and just wanted to feel intimate one last time -- in case.

    And I survived. And he keeeeeps on tickin...... but we still can't talk. And she's still not interested. And i still wait. Sorta. My life is so fuckin complicated - the way I look at it - I'm not out to complicate it more. So I wait. And the clock ticks. And I ask myself "how important is sex anyway?" That's a tuff one to answer. "Important" is an ever-changing playing field.

    But I keep up. Gotta keep the parts in good working order -- like anything, "use it or lose it" and I don't want to lose it -- some of my most favorite - remember: "This is when I feel most alive!"

    Ayyyyyyy! and then I'm talking in circles. Like I said - complicated. So I go and take care of myself like I'm a 15 yr old who just discovered his own best friend - his hand. Gotta say though- even in being a "solo-sexual" there's stuff to explore and learn. I've discovered new and deeper layers of self-pleasuring. Finally, by this late age I'm over any feelings of "dirty" or guilt. I truly can love myself - and it's okay. And on all levels, I probably love myself more than I ever have -- and that's a whole nuther kettle of fish - loving yourself - being good to yourself means having boundaries with others - especially their crap. People always get very annoyed with you when you won't let them bleed all over you.

    Celibacy is an interesting one. Never saw myself being here. Difference with me is I would like it -- and we may eventually have to cross that intersection - and perhaps I will travel a different road. Meanwhile, I'm exploring without any of the danger, hang-ups, fear or guilt of an affair - or hook up or whatever. Anyway - simple lusty sex - i can handle that alone -- it's intimacy I want and you can't force that. But then, in fantasy, a nice, thorough massage by a man - down to the "happy ending" sounds delightful -- but a bit scary. Oy, I'm obviously all over the board -- and this is one reason to CHOOSE celibacy -- until I can make rational decisions! Meanwhile, where's that oil I had around here?
    [Looking for the appropriate emoticon - the happy dance banana seems to say it!](!)
     
  12. skiff

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    I guess you could say I am celibate but for different reasons than those above. This just pertains to how I think and feel so don't think I am condemning anybody else...

    For me I need the relationship first and sex is the icing in the cake. I gave up sex with my wife when I faked an orgasm to get sex over with. I could not use her for sexual release after that. I cannot do hookups either. There has to be strong friendship first.

    So I am celibate and not hunting sex but I am hunting for the long term relationship where sex can enter the equation.

    I guess at my age I am not a slave to libido although it is there and strong as hell I know how I am wired and what works for me.

    Matter of fact I met a guy for lunch and he was stroking my thigh and back and I found it a turn off. I knew what he wanted (a hook up) and that turned me off.

    For me... I need to love the guy or be on the verge of allowing myself to be in love before sex.

    Talk about old fashioned, huh? I want sex to be right for me and the other person as we move into a deeper relationship. I don't know if that is celibacy, more like patient.
     
  13. Cool Bananas

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    Hi Arturoenrico, I think most of us here are in the same position, we would rather find the right person and get to know them well before the sex part comes into it.

    This I agree with this 100%, and I even have the apps; great for browsing, but I want to get to know someone mentally before I get to see the rest of their bodies.

    I remember listening to this conversation, sex should only be between 2 people who love each other, so the love needs to become before sex.
     
  14. Rose27

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    Hey Skiff-Old Fashioned girl here.
    Working on faith & patience....
     
  15. aliveandwell

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    Once again: the power in knowing, "I am not alone." Different ways and reasons perhaps, but still, good to be among others who aren't just recklessly diving into more of a confusing mess. And being of an older age group, it's understandable [and merciful!] that we don't for the most part have an urgency that overrides our reasoning. There are some good aspects to aging and that testosterone cooling down some. A 30 yr old me woulda hopped in the sack with someone by now and had the conversation later - if at all. Doesn't mean I don't want it - but I can wait. I think. Ah hell, who am I kidding? Not like there's a line-up of eligible folks waiting to meet me. And in fact, my own weird Catch-22 - I'd highly question the motivations of anyone who wanted to sign up for this: a man who's on fire with passion for being alive - simply because he still is. Like I've said, it's complicated, but in reading others thoughts and words here, I'm beginning to put some cracks into my wall of thoughts that say basically "I am not worthy."

    Wow. that was a moment of clarity. Thank you, Arturoenrico, for asking. Interesting to me that you've never experienced being with a guy -- shows how much of our sexual make-up resides in our inner most thoughts - and not just in our libido.
     
  16. PeteNJ

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    Proud of you for coming out!

    So -- I'm going to challenge you a bit. While there is nothing wrong with being celibate -- how will you learn more about yourself? your interests? what excites you? (and what doesnt). Will you grow more taking a chance with guys? Or hanging back?

    I was in a relationship with a woman until a few months back (seems like years now). While I'd made gay friends, I wasn't going to live in 2 worlds. Once I ended the relationship with her, I felt emotionally able to connect and hook up with men.

    Looking back, the deep friendships I've made, the great (and not so great) sex I've had, the fun (and not so fun) dates I've had (and really, not all physical/sexual!), have been amazing. Waking up with a man next to me, going to sleep with a man next to me. Absolutely freaking amazing. What I always needed, wanted. Oh -- and let's be completely clear -- better than anything I imagined, better than any porn, better in every way.

    In terms of sex drive - I do think mine is lower than some of the men I've been with. I have no complaints though.... and I don't think they do either. One FWB uses Androgel -- guys our age have lower T levels -- might be something to look into (helps depression, moods, etc, too). Being sexual is a fantastic part of life.

    One of my buddies says -- it doesn't always have to be good, just good enough. And I'm sure you've heard that even bad sex is better than no sex.

    And let me add -- hook up sex is worlds different than being with a guy you're emotionally connected to when its as much about being loving as having sex. Hook up sex can be fantastic, but the latter is mind blowing.
     
  17. Filip

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    Heh, interesting. When I came out, I got the exact opposite advice from my gay friends (well, and my straight friends). That sex was going to be great, but that since I waited so long to come out, those few extra months weren't going to matter if it meant I worked at my own pace.

    Now, my own pace was actually to go slow, so I can relate on the OP. All my life, I've been pretty disgusted by things like physical contact above handshaking. I had to suppress the urge to go take a shower if someone hugged me. So while I was glad to be out and being able to express how I felt attracted to guys, I didn't really feel like acting on it for some time.

    In fact, it took me about 4 years to be where I am now, which is much more comfortable than I ever was. turned out that after really building a rapport with a guy, I eventually could move past my original distaste and enjoy more intimate stuff.

    so yeah, you're hardly alone in your situation.


    This is a pretty interesting thread, though. I mean, my experience is probably the polar opposite of PeteNJ's. But the feeling I get is that we both got the pace exactly right. It's just different for everyone. Stereotypes aside, I do also believe that you'll eventually run into people with the same pace, and from that, wonderful things may grow.
     
  18. skiff

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    Ok... I hope Pete doesn't get upset with me as he is a dear friend but you have to understand Pete to understand his advice...

    Pete is a type A, high achiever. He will tell you he is a "best boy". He puts 110% into everything he does. I imagine the positive social reinforcement of being a best boy helped him to keep his sanity while living with secret issues.

    Now Pete is channeling that constant 110% into every healthy gay opportunity he can find. We are all seeing his super results.

    If you put 110% into every healthy aspect of your life like Pete you are going to get 200% back.

    Pete has practiced for this moment his entire life, he is Olympic class. We can stand in awe.
     
  19. BMC77

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    I honestly have mixed feelings about being celibate. There is a part of me--The Inner Horny Teenager--that says it would be nice to have sex just once! It also points out that I've "waited long enough."

    But...I think I'd probably feel more comfortable with sex as part of some sort of relationship. The most casual sex I can imagine for myself at this point would be a FWB--but the FWB would have to be a friend. In other words, I am not interested in using FWB as a less sleazy sounding label for hookup.

    When/if a relationship is viable is anyone's guess. Maybe never. I believe I have issues to resolve first, and personal growth that must occur first.

    As for hookups...I just don't feel comfortable. Yes, it's a way to get sex. Yes, it's a way to experience a range of sexual experiences. But it's just not for me. At least, for who I am today.
     
  20. PeteNJ

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    Exactly how I felt not that long ago. What can I say? For me its as natural as breathing. Its affirming, its fun, its sexy. Though I cannot see myself doing this for years, not at all.

    And dear Skiff, yes, you know and read me well. I'm in it to win, to play hard, and to get to the next goal in life.