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Internalized Homophobia?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by EllieAugust, Jun 3, 2013.

  1. EllieAugust

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    Hi again,

    I guess what I have is a lot of internalized bi/homophobia. I have been scared of being a lesbian since I was as young as 8 years old. Then, at 12 when my same-sex attractions materialized, I began to feel like a monster; shaming and hating myself for them. I don't know where this shame came from, since I was raised in an extremely liberal community, complete with a largely sexually-fluid friend group and a gay brother. My best guess about the origin of my negativity is both a personal desire to conform and please, accompanied by my parents' very disruptive divorce when I was 12, and later general depression/ anxiety issues.

    Now, however, that I have become less much fearful (partly thanks to you!) of various outcomes and circumstances, I have some more succinct, and thought-out questions, that maybe some of you can help me shed light on. I am asking this in the Later In Life forum (despite being 22), because I wonder if I might be on an unhealthy path to denial and repression, a path that you might recognize:

    1. At times (especially if my boyfriend is away), I feel overwhelming sexual attraction to women. I always prefer lesbian (followed by gay, then straight) porn. My arousal extends even to inappropriate women like seniors, underage girls and relatives (as well as attractive, age-appropriate women). It is usually accompanied by intense distress and fear. I almost never want to BE with any of these women sexually or romantically! I am working on just accepting the attraction is there and not judging myself for it but it is proving very difficult. Is this a normal sign of denial or internalized homophobia?

    2. I have always dated men. It just seems easier and without them I feel something is missing. I am often very happy in these relationships and long to make them last. The sex is maybe not the most exciting, but I am regularly aroused and desire it fairly frequently. Sometimes, though, the thought of sex makes me a bit nervous if I haven't had it in a while, and I don't generally spontaneously desire intimacy with men (except my boyfriends). I do fall in love, though, and want to imagine being with my boyfriend forever. It is not an issue of appearing normal or having kids, I am fine with adoption, and everyone knows I am confused about my sexuality. I just love my boyfriend and want to imagine our future together. Is this typical of internalized homophobia?

    3. I have told my boyfriend that, although I don't want to end our relationship now, he has to know that I can't marry him. I feel he deserves better than someone like me who is confused. I fear letting him down, feeling dishonest, and wasting years of his life. Perhaps if we take some time apart while I discover myself more (something I am very nervous/ unwilling to do) we might revisit the concept of long-term commitment. This makes me very sad because I just want my same-sex attractions to go away so that I can commit to him fully. I guess I already know the answer, but do you think promises for the future would indeed be unwise? Will experimenting help me shed light on the situation?

    4. I have come out to everyone (sometimes as lesbian, sometimes as queer, sometimes as bisexual), but still cannot accept it myself. Every label I try feels wrong and I don't know how to go about planning for the rest of my life. Is THIS internalized homophobia?

    5. I can't see myself being happy in a relationship with a woman, but am open to the idea that I just haven't met the right one. Is that likely?

    To summarize: I am more sexually attracted to women (kinsey 4?), but rarely desire relationships with them, and my attraction brings great anxiety. I fall in love with men, but sometimes wonder if the sexual aspect is a little lacking. I fear later identifying fully as a lesbian, and letting down my (male) partner.

    This was way longer than I intended, but after having read your many other threads on here, felt that my particular situation was a bit unique. Is it likely that I will identify, in your opinion, exclusively as a lesbian later in life? Or am I able to commit fully to a relationship with a man? Do I sound bisexual, confused or gay?

    Oh boy! Thanks a million if you made it through! :slight_smile:
     
  2. Lexington

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    Random musings on each of your points.

    1. Not surprising at all. I'm guessing sex with your boyfriend helps keep your libido at bay, even if you're nudging more towards the gay-side-of-bi. When he's gone, you not only don't have that release, but you probably feel freer to fantasize (and watch porn) about whatever your heart (and genitals) desires at that particular moment. And nothing at all wrong with that. It's fun to give in fully to fantasy and go whole hog into it.

    2. I wouldn't necessarily consider it "internalized homophobia", really. It's less a sense of "being gay is wrong", and more a sense of "it sure would make things easier if only I didn't feel this way about women". It's not that different from gay people who develop crushes on their straight friends. "If only they were gay, things would be great." But, y'know, they ain't. :slight_smile:

    3. I think you've given him all the information he needs. You think you're bi- or gay, and you don't think marrying him is going to be in the cards. You do care deeply about him, and you even enjoy the sex to some degree, but you're thinking it's not going to be enough for you in the long run. And it's up to him what he wants to do with that information.

    4. Labels are supposed to fit YOU, not the other way around. I consider myself gay because that label fits ME, not because I thought "Well, that kinda sounds like me, so I'll try to conform to what that label says". You are what you are. If there's a one-syllable word that fits you, great. If there isn't, so be it. It might be easier to explain to people "what you are" with a one-syllable term, but if there isn't one, don't bother trying to force yourself into that box. Stick with "queer" or "bisexual", and give them more information if they really want it. :slight_smile:

    5. Tough to say here. Some people are homosexual but not homoromantic. Others simply haven't really gone down that path, and might have a bit of a mental block about it. They might think "Oh, a gay relationship will involve X Y and Z, and that doesn't appeal to me"...only to find out that a gay relationship might not involve any of that at all. So it's difficult to say whether this is you being heteroromantic, or simply not really thought about what might be a positive gay relationship for you.

    Lex
     
  3. EllieAugust

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    Hi Lexington,

    Thanks for your response! Great thoughts!

    The one thing that maybe I didn't make clear is that I DO think what I have with my boyfriend will be enough for the long run, even though I might be leaning towards gay.

    Maybe I am wondering why other people come out as gay, or what stopped them from doing so earlier on, causing them lead to lifestyles they found ultimately dissatisfying?

    I AM satisfied and CAN imagine spending my whole life with my boyfriend, but have a nagging feeling that I owe it to *the world, other gays, friends and family and maybe myself* to live an *authentic life.* But it is weird because this pressure, so far, is all external. I am wondering if eventually I will start to feel it internally, will the sex degrade, will I meet a woman and fall head over heels, will this abstract desire eventually attract my attention? I guess no one can really know...

    It is confusing to commit for me to commit when I am so unsure, and I am afraid of making a big mistake that might wind up hurting myself and my current partner.
     
  4. Lexington

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    If you've told your boyfriend your thoughts, and right now, you feel you could be happy with him for the long haul, then there's no reason not to go the long haul with him. Might it not work out? Of course. Half of marriages fail, after all. But that's no reason not to try if you're both game. Maybe fantasy and porn will be sufficient. Maybe at some point it won't. But only one way to find out. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. EllieAugust

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    Hi,

    That is what I always love to hear-- but should I need to hear it so often!? Might that not be part of some denial? Of course you're right though in that only time can really tell. I am grateful that my boyfriend is so amazingly open to everything and always let's me speak my mind. He teaches me so much about being a good person and I hope we will always have ~something~ together.

    And thanks, Lex, for being a good ear!

    - Ellie
     
  6. wrhla

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    Hi Ellie,

    I'm curious about a few things. You say you were afraid of being lesbian at 8-years-old. Why? I mean, I had no idea what sexual orientation was when I was 8. That was a very long time, ago, but still, 8 seems awfully early to start having anxiety about sexual identity.

    Is your gay brother older or younger? If he's older, I wonder whether questions about his sexuality influenced your thoughts about yourself.

    What sorts of same-sex attractions did you start to have at 12?

    Have you actually had sex of any sort with another woman?

    I just have a feeling that you're not gay. Maybe bi, maybe not. It's just that a few things don't quite add up for me.

    The business about having sexual thoughts about seniors, girls, and relatives suggests to me that it's not a sexual attraction per se. I'm wondering about the shame you felt at the time of your parents' divorce, which coincided with your first "same-sex attractions."

    I certainly agree with Lex that there can be a split between sexual feelings and romantic feelings, and that you should largely ignore labels and just focus on yourself.
     
  7. EllieAugust

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    Hi whrla,

    I am super glad for your response because I have read quite a few of your other posts and find you very insightful.

    I am not sure where the fear came from, but I had stumbled across a newspaper article about the link between finger ratios and homosexuality. I was distraught by the fact that I appeared to have "lesbian" hands despite reassurance from both my parents. I guess at this age I didn't worry about it chronically, but it seemed bad to be different maybe.

    My brother is much older than me actually. He came out in the middle of my parents' divorce when I was 12-- I guess a lot was going on at that time. He was 24. I remember being glad because "we can't BOTH be gay, right?" It was about a year later that I learned about the genetic link to homosexuality which further distressed me.

    My first major crush was actually a girl when I was 12-13. She is the only girl that I felt I had an emotional and sexual attraction to. In retrospect I told myself I was in love with her. I remember, after that, sexual attraction to both genders.

    Sex with a woman: no. Just being in the same room, though, as friends or even female family members (as unconventional and distasteful as that might sound), makes me excited, although I have no conscious desire to act on it. I have had a couple exciting kisses with women that, although I don't remember wanting to take further, I did enjoy.

    I do think that if I were to become single again I might try opening up a bit to this side of myself, and that being in a relationship makes me extra wary of any feelings because I feel they threaten my current lifestyle. I think when I am single I tend to be less fearful of my same-sex attraction.

    I do, however, develop irrational fears of other kinds. Sometimes I become paranoid my friends are plotting against me, and for an extended period of time I believed I had been born a man and lied to for years. This fear landed me in ER on a couple of occasions with what I now know were panic attacks.

    Another long ramble! I guess to summarize: I think that amid my anxieties there is capacity for love and sex with both genders but I tend to be super fearful.

    Do you think experimentation is a good idea (especially before long-term commitment to a man)? Will it bring me some answers or might it only confuse me further? Anyn other thoughts? Thank you so much for taking the time!


    Best wishes,

    Ellie
     
  8. wrhla

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    In principle, I think experimentation can be a good idea. I mean, if you're questioning, it seems like seeing how you actually like sex with a women is a pretty important part of the puzzle.

    I'm one of those people who believes that everyone is at least a little bi, that everyone starts out life with the potential to find bodily and emotional pleasures in both men and women. For some people—maybe most, I don't know—things get narrowed down as they get a bit older. The "self" remains a work in progress in many ways, but there's a lot going on in the very early years that sort of vanishes from memory for a variety of reasons. In part, you just don't have the language or the conceptual wherewithal to turn all of your experiences into thoughts when you're 1 or 2 years old. So a lot of our sexual desires remain unconscious until we encounter them later on. And you can be surprised to learn that your sexuality is somehow different from what you had imagined it to be.

    All of which is to say, you may very well have the capacity for erotic satisfaction with both men and women, but I can tell you that, at least in my experience, the homosexual and heterosexual dimensions of my sexuality are quite different. And so you may feel a sexual pull in one direction but an emotional pull in the other. Or it can fluctuate. I should just add that, as implied by what I say above, I don't buy the claims about a genetic or biological link to sexual orientation. I think we live in an age where everyone wants to find some "scientific" explanation that satisfies our compulsion to make all of life seem rational. But there's a lot in life that cannot be reduced to genes or the size of the thyroid gland or whatever else.

    But I really think that, whatever else may be true, you experienced a good deal of upheaval in your life when you were 12. Children often have a tendency to blame themselves when bad things like a divorce happen in their family. And at the same time, you learned that your brother was gay, a fact that played into your anxieties about your own sexuality at the beginning of puberty

    This is all just speculation on my part of course. But I think you would do well to explore all the different feelings you may have had when you were 12. That might help you sort out a bunch of other things.

    Best.