I just came out a year ago this month and I've been adjusting to the different stages of coming out. But I feel like I'm stuck in this acceptance stage, not by friends but by my family. They are all devout Christians and I'm the black sheep...my entire life I've done everything contingent on their approval. Now they don't approve of my lifestyle and have somewhat shut me out. I went to this college to please them, worked this job or did that just for them..now it's about me, not them. But,sickly enough, I still yearn for their approval. It's funny because they don't support me financially or contribute anything to my life really except to my list of relatives....I think that waiting on their approval has hindered my approval of myself...leaving me in this funky limbo and creating serious anxiety. It's funny because as a straight man I was "so sure of myself" and now I feel like I don't know who I am. Uncertainty is not at all a turn on and I want to keep that sense of self assurance and high level of self esteem so my boyfriend doesn't lose interest in me by becoming bored. I've always been very happy go lucky and really full of life. Now that ive come out, I feel I've become depressed a little and lost interest in things that used to make me ...me! Anyone have any good advice on accepting yourself as a new gay man? :icon_redf ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2013 at 08:20 AM ---------- I'm 26 lol
A couple things. First off, your feelings aren't surprising. You were very used to being in a specific role - the accepted straight guy - and now you're finding yourself in a new one. And whereas yes, you don't NEED their approval really, you presumably got extremely used to it over time. How should you react? Well, the positive thing about having something taken away is that you can put whatever you want into its place. Since you're no longer living for their approval, you can live for your own. So start mulling it over. What would YOU like to do? You don't have to answer right away. Just start a list. Pull out a piece of paper, or get a list going on your phone, and start mulling it over the next couple of weeks whenever you have a spare moment. What might you like to try? Cooking? A new sport or physical activity? Classes you might want to take? A volunteer gig? A musical instrument? Anything that occurs to you, add it to the list. Then, once you've got a decent-sized list, pick whichever one sounds most interesting to you, and look into it. Are there classes you can take? Places you can work on it? I get where you're going with this, but I'd be cautious about this sort of thinking. You don't "owe it" to your boyfriend to be constantly cheerful and upbeat. He got a boyfriend, not a ticket to an uplifting show. You're allowed to be uncertain and fretful and unhappy about these turns of events. And you're allowed to talk to him about it - in fact, you should. Don't let your fear of disapproval push you into faking anything. Lex
What would I like to do? There are lots of things...one is creating a network of friends. Real friends, gay friends...all my college friends are off making careers and I'm still in the city I went to college...I'd like to pick up ballroom dancing, volunteer work, a new house..I mean there are so many things I'd like to do but the lack of interest is what keeps me from doing them! my self esteem is at its lowest ever, and I'm so used to that approval that I'm scared of being judged, especially by my own kind...which I've gotta et used to. Every time anyone walks out of their house they are being judged, I'm no different and I get that.
Every time someone walks out the door, they MIGHT be judged. (Hell, they might be judged for staying in!) But that isn't how most people operate. Most people don't step out the door and start scanning the horizon for people to pass judgment on. "Who will I mock and feel superior to next?" You know why? They're busy living their lives. They're behind you in line at the grocery store, maybe a bit peeved that somebody is in front of them in line, but mainly thinking things like "which of these should I make for dinner tonight?" or "I have to remember to do that thing when I get home". Maybe they'll give you a glance and think "Well, that's a weird shirt" or something...but seriously, SFW? Who gives a flying rat's ass what the guy behind you in line at the grocery store thinks of your shirt? If he likes it, nifty. If he doesn't, oh well - you won't see him again after another sixty seconds. (I'll be honest - it's one of the coolest things about getting old(er). None of this shit phases me anymore. ) As I see it, you can sit around waiting for your self-esteem to magically grow back, or you can start getting proactive about it. They say that courage isn't a lack of fear - it's going out there and doing that stuff DESPITE the fear. So maybe you'll need to just leap in with both feet. Sign up for that ballroom dancing class. Not because "I hope the other people in class will think I'm a great dancer" but because "I want to learn to ballroom dance". And then start dancing your ass off. Lex
