What was your "final straw?"

Like you Runner, I was depressed and suicidal, beyond what I could bear anymore. I hated myself so much for going on deceiving my wife and everyone else. But, I'm not sure if I you mean a final straw when you we you were gay or the final straw when you decided to come out. I've know I was attracted to men probably going back to age 4. I just pretended to be straight. Anyway, I was always thinking at the time, "the center cannot hold."

 

Hmm... I I'd told my friend I was bi just to test the waters, and went on that for about a year. He swept it under the rug. Any time I mentioned the possibility of me wanting to date a guy, he jus said "meh, girls are better, you'll see".

After awhile, I just stopped trying, and went back in the closet and ended up "dating" a few other girls. So, about a year later, I was sitting up late at night, pondering in my mind: "guh... why do I have to do this... why can't I just be gay?"

After having that thought, it's like I got smack with an epiphany. "Ya know what, I'm GONNA be gay 'cause that's who I am!" So the next day, I woke up a gay man/teen and accepted myself.

I re-came out to my friend and told him that I'm gay, told him over the phone... He said he was going to get me some help...

I told him I didn't need help and that I was fine with being the way I am. And I brought up the time that i'd told him that I was bi and tried to tell him i was just trying to gauge his reaction, and yet, he claimed that conversation never happened even though i told him every single detail of the conversation--word from word, time of day, what we were talking about before, etc...

But anyhow, he's much more accepting of it now, I think he just needed time to process. He says doesn't matter because It doesnt change who I am.

So, the final straw was basically me being rejected and having my feelings swept under the rug. I decided I wasn't going to settle for that.

 

That is, my self-saying at the time I was getting to the final straw before coming out to my wife was "the center cannot hold." I was falling to pieces.

 

Yes, there was a final straw for me. I fell in love with a bisexual woman. That was the beginning. She is the first person I was open and honest with about my sexuality. We had known each other in grade school but she was always with someone else. By the time we were in our thirties I was a student at the same college where she teaches. Anyway, I got involved with the gay and lesbian alliance at school. My girlfriend and I were going out to gay clubs and I went from being Pentecostal to Catholic. That last really confused my parents. My final straw was not wanting my parents to find out by seeing me march in the pride parade on the news.

 

Hi, you asked about turning points... Thirteen years into a 21 year marriage I had to fake an orgasm to end sex with my wife. That ended our sex life permanently. I made excuses about age but they were total fabrications.

I knew I was gay before we married (posted elsewhere).

Then...

Last year family friends asked me to teach their 26 year old son with severe social anxiety cooking for independent living. He was never socially anxious with me. He exhibited signs that he was gay. He then got aggressive with grabbing and being physical with me. I then knew he was gay. I could not out him to his parents and he was making huge progress socially. I never reciprocated his advances and nothing happened sexually but I knew he loved me. Whenever he did something overt I asked him to talk about why. I wanted him to come to terms with what he was doing and that he was not a bad person for having theses feelings. He eventually told me he liked cocks.

Being socially anxious myself is most likely what eased his anxiety. I knew all the triggers and the minefields that would make him anxious and avoided them. Always being supportive and giving him away in everything we did. I got to meet the real guy and he was a great guy.

That was all his side of the equation. For me I was flooded with memories of what I had suppressed for many years. What I was living with my wife was an empty lie. That was the turning point for me that ended the marriage.

I loved my wife but not the way I should have.

My children were young adults and I could fix my error.

You CANNOT suppress gay. It does not go away. You cannot beat gay, you simply screw up two people's lives if you marry.

 

I was dating a guy that was physically perfect... no seriously, he modeled when he was younger and was a fitness fanatic with ridiculously low body fat and rippling muscles. We couldn't go anywhere without women fawning all over him and occasionally just out right sexually harassing him.

He was lovely to look at... but that was all. I never looked at him and felt aroused, never ached to touch him, never got all tingly...

It made me think back, and realize I had NEVER felt aroused by any man.

Women however... Oh how I love to look at women! Dear lord they are beautiful, sexy creatures.

This guy, he was even intelligent and interesting and funny.

But it was like there was this barrier, or something missing. I feel closer to casual female friends than I did to him. Even though I tried and he tried.

I had spent all these years dating pretty boy after pretty boy.., thinking that they just weren't hot enough.

Or smart enough.

Or something....

I'd try, but just not feel enough or care enough or make them feel loved or wanted...

But this guy, it was like someone called up central casting and ordered Femmeme's ideal man. AND IT STILL WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

Then while I was dating him an old (gay) friend had a breakdown fueled by internalized homophobia. It ended tragically.

It finally hit me that I needed to be honest and face myself. No more bullshit about being Bisexual and choosing to live a straight life.

I've never been attracted to men. I've never been romantically inclined toward men.

I can split hairs forever about how I CAN occasionally develop a demisexual attraction to a man, but I'm sick of trying to force that shit while making myself and some poor guy miserable.

I am VERY sexually attracted to women. I'm very romantically attracted to women. I'm too damn old to keep denying it.

I'm a lesbian!

 

I think you just wrote parts of my life, :icon_wink

For me there was never 1 big moment but a 3-4 biggish ones. I first felt something was right more than 15 years ago but I guess that didn't tip me over the edge, but meeting someone else you feel connected to tips you over the edge and you say to yourself, I am gay, but then a few more years before you tell your family though.

I do like your word mentioning the trigger points in other people, do you think some people could be trying to hard to be straight when you know they are gay, rather sad in a way but all you can do is wait as there is no point in outing them, until they are comfortable in themselves, yes we are all going to have moments when we are anxious.

 

This particular fellow was amazing in what he taught me. His social anxiety made him a people pleaser in the extreme. He was 26 but if he felt his mother wanted an awkward 13 year old she got it.

I I got the real deal version of him as he allowed me to see his camelian act he put on for others.

His extreme social anxiety made me rethink my closeted life. Face it, the closet is an expression of social anxiety.

I suspect anybody who behaves gregariously socially but lives in the closet is simply a superb actor like my 26 year old friend.

 

Married a younger man I met working my way thru grad school. Sweet sensitive tall weightlifter. 16"+ inch biceps. Everything I should have wanted. What I wanted to want. I tried. And Tried. Thought I was broken. Nope!!!
Well said Femmeme!

 

I was depressed and lonely -- and then I went to a awake for a friend of mine who died young (44) suddenly. As I watched from my chair - I thought who will stand next to my coffin and cry???
About a week before this awake, I meant someone who I had an amazing connection with. And I thought maybe???
If truth, I thought about how my recently passed friend lived her live - no regrets, make a decision and go with it - And that's what I did. I was going to come out.
BTW: still with that guys almost five years later.

 

What started the ball rolling for me, My Suicide Attempt? No, putting myself into dangerous situations with Gay Strangers? No, Secretly visiting Gay Bars on my own? No!

What finally broke the camels straw was when I was visiting family, I had a couple of drinks with them before heading of to the train station, being Gay had been on my mind again, I guess I had drank more than I thought I had, I fell down a flight of stairs leading to the platform, how I never broke my neck I don't know, the drink numbed the pain, I caught the train into the city centre, as this is where I needed to get my connection.

My connecting Train was going to to be so many hours late, so like a fool, I decided to head to the Gay Quarter where all the Gay Bars were, after drinking some more, the barman said " Sweety, I can't serve you anymore alcohol, only soft drinks"!

I eventually caught my connection, only to fall asleep & miss my Stop, being the last train I was stranded over 20 miles away from home & had to catch a taxi home, this was my wake up call, I knew that I could not suppress my Gay feelings anymore, 2 weeks later I came out to my 1st person.

 

My last straw? I met a man! And... I was so tired of being quietly miserable.

The man was someone I had known from years ago and became reacquainted after almost a decade apart. The first time I saw him after all those years all I think was "Wow!" One thing lead to another, and one afternoon when we were just supposed to "hang out" I went in for the kiss.

We've been dating ever since then and I am now out to my friends and family.

 

The last straw for me was a boiler repair man called to service the boiler one lunch time. He was the cutest guy imaginable , just my ideal type and looked early 30s and no wedding band, and as I talked to him whilst making lunch I found myself really drawn to him, with lots of extended eye contact each way. All I could think about was pulling him over to one side out of sight of my wife, who was in the next room at the time, and kissing him and lots more.

The torment of being so close to a smoking hot guy and not being able to do anything about it was too much :tears: and I came out to my very supportive and understanding wife 3 days later. We agreed I could go and have fun with hot guys (!) but not bring them home, that would be one step too far.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I had planned alternate ways to do myself in.

Then I looked at my kids over Thanksgiving -- and said I need to be there for them.

Called a shrink and said "help."

I really really wasn't sure I was gay. Having sex with men, that didn't make me gay, did it? And I was in love with a woman... so maybe I could just put all that sex fantasy with men stuff aside and continue on.

Clearly not.

The moment I said "I'm gay" and then looked at my life -- all the pieces fell into place. Gawd -- I'm so gay it was crazy!

Lotta hard moments trying to figure out what to do with the female relationship. And way too much anxiousness and over thinking how and when to come out. Did all that

And today -- that seems like a lifetime ago.

One of my gay friends told me that when he met me, I had nothing but straight friends on Facebook. No more, my friends, no more. Lots of LGBT FB friends, lots of LGBT causes that I "like." I would think sooner rather than later my tangential FB friends will figure it out. (like a photo on my FB page of me and 2 other guys standing in front of a rainbow flag at Pride on Sunday)

 

Gosh...my turning point was nowhere near as dramatic as those described above!

I was just trying to decide what to do after the collapse of my marriage; actually thinking that I'd try to find "the right woman"...but, haunted by all the opportunities of finding that woman that I had rejected (prior to marriage), haunted also by the more recent experiences I had with men, I simply said "I'm gay" to myself....well, you know those elaborate door-locks in a Harry Potter movie, just all clicking and grinding into place when the right key is used? That's what it was like for me.

Everything suddenly made sense, everything fell into place...and the door to another life simply opened.

 

Yes, I felt very unique before I found EC. Now I realize that due to the culture in the 50-60-70's hetero-married gays are very common.

If you think about it oppressed groups have been "passing" throughout history to avoid the discrimination. It is nothing new with the gay demographic.

I never connected those dots until I found EC.

It sort of underscores why effeminate gay men and transgenders have lead the gay rights battle for it was difficult for them to "pass" under societal radar.

 

greatwhale, I love your Harry Potter metaphor. It was a lot like that for me with all the bits and pieces coming together. You try to deny for so long but when the right key is inserted the truth is undeniable. Either walk out of the closet or leave the door shut.

 

Leave the door shut?

It is a closet! There is no food for the soul, and with no toilet it fills with crap!

Sooner or later the crap breaks down the door or people note the crap seeping out, but out of politeness say nothing.

Leaving it shut seems like an viable option but it is an illusion.